Men, Are You Objectifying Her Accidentally?

Are you using the woman you love by accident?

The PreCana couples my husband and I serve on our diocesan marriage prep retreat team are generally surprised when we share lyrics from Ed Sheeran’s “Shape of You” or “Body Like a Back Road” during our Healthy Relating presentation. By using these popular songs, the point we’re hoping to illustrate is that our culture has definite ideas about how men relate to women, and most of them involve the man physically objectifying the woman he admires or is dating. 

In “Shape of You,” Sheeran sings in the chorus that “I’m in love with the shape of you/we push and pull like a magnet do/ Although my heart is falling too/ I’m in love with your body.” On a loop, he sings over and over again, “I’m in love with your body.” 

“Body like a Backroad” by Sam Hunt is a country version of the same concept. “Body like a backroad/ driving with my eyes closed/ I know every curve like the back of my hand.” The rest of the song riffs again and again on the woman’s physical appearance, with nary a mention of her wit, intelligence, warm heart, or any other characteristic beyond the physical. 

Now, it’s true that the body reveals the person and makes visible the invisible.

Pope St. John Paul II reflected on this at length in his ground-breaking, thoughtful catechesis on the Theology of the Body.

Yet as our pop culture makes clear, an overemphasis on the physical body, particularly by a man towards the woman he’s romantically interested in, can hinder his ability to see her as a whole person and in turn, can lead to her feeling used rather than cherished. 

So, gentlemen, refuse to objectify her!

How can you see the woman you’re pursuing as a whole person, as a subject worthy of love and affection rather than an object for use? One obvious answer is to cut all ties with pornography, which by its nature always objectifies the human person for another’s use. What’s more, porn chemically changes the viewer’s brain in ways that make healthy, emotionally satisfying relationships far harder to come by. Programs like Matt Fradd’s 21-day porn detox program STRIVE offer accountability and support for men seeking to overcome pornography addiction and rewire their hearts and minds.

Learn to practice non-sexual touch.

When I was learning the Creighton method of family planning, I was surprised to find a section in the workbook specifically distinguishing between non-sexual and sexual touch. Non-sexual touch was defined essentially as physical touch meant to express tenderness and affection for, not sexual desire towards, the other person. My husband kissing me on the forehead comes to mind. That gesture has always signaled an expression of affection to me. I’ve never felt confused after a kiss on the forehead, wondering if I misread his signals or if he was hoping that the kiss would lead to “something more.” Learning to express genuine affection for and tenderness towards the woman you love is a sure-fire way to help her feel seen and loved as herself. 

Discover how to S.P.I.C.E. up your relationship!

Thankfully, the beauty of the Church’s teaching that sex and the total gift of self it implies encourages couples to learn to relate to each other in more than just the one obvious way. The acronym we learned from the Creighton method for improving the non-sexual aspects of our relationship when sex was off the table, whether before we were married or within marriage when we were avoiding pregnancy, is S.P.I.C.E. and it stands for Spiritual, Physical, Intellectual, Creative, and Emotional. 

James and I work on the spiritual aspect of our relationship by praying with and for each other, attending Sunday Mass (and daily Mass, when possible), going to Confession regularly, and encouraging each other to prioritize our individual relationships with God through spiritual reading, retreats, etc. Couple prayer in particular has really helped each of us see into the other person’s heart, hearing what’s been on their mind, weighing them down, or conversely encouraging them. 

Enjoy the little things.

We’ve learned to work on the Physical (but non-sexual) aspect of our relationship by doing things together. This can look a million different ways depending on the couple. We’ve hiked and biked together, built (James) and planted (me) a garden together, hosted other couples and families for meals or overnight together, and more. 

Grow together!

Our most basic implementation of growing the Intellectual portion of our relationship is to ask each other at supper each day, “What did you learn today?” Before we had kids, we read several encyclicals together, along with portions of Shakespeare’s Much Ado About Nothing (before James’ ridiculous voices for the various characters got to me :)). 

Besides our children, our most significant “creations” as a couple have been forming new traditions, ways that our family does things. After James made me cheeseburgers and mashed potatoes one Christmas Eve before I headed in to work the night shift at a local hospital, we’ve had cheeseburgers and mashed potatoes every year on Christmas Eve since.  

Be there for each other.

Finally, James’ ability and willingness to enter into my thought life, my emotional sphere, has been the single biggest weapon against my feeling used or objectified, whether during our dating, engaged, or married life. Being listened to well, in times of sorrow and in times of joy, has bonded us deeply. Knowing that he cares for my wounds, values my opinions, and encourages my dreams reminds me on an ongoing basis that he sees me for me. That knowledge opens my heart wide, leading to deeper intimacy and trust in our relationship. 

If you’ve wondered how to show the woman you love that you value her as a whole person, kicking porn to the curb, learning to express tenderness and affection through non-sexual touch, and implementing the S.P.I.C.E. acronym in your relationship are a few ways to start.