People Told Me I Was Not Attractive Enough to Marry

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The issue of attractiveness played a significant role in my prolonged singleness and hope to marry.

I struggled with my weight since I was a child. We live in a society where being overweight can affect one’s self-worth and image of being attractive according to society’s standards. Not only did I feel like no one would want me because of what I looked like, but many times the message I received from the people around me confirmed this.

Well-meaning folks in my life would attempt to offer a rationale for my inability to find a lasting relationship. Some of the reasons proffered were because I was heavy; that I was typically not what men in our society found to be attractive. These viewpoints would further my despair regarding my single state

As such, I searched the scriptures for help.

I learned some interesting information from two sisters, Leah and Rachel. Jacob was a man looking to take a wife. He met the younger sister, Rachel, at a well. To marry her, Jacob agreed to work seven years for her father, Laban. But, on the night of the wedding feast, Laban took the older sister, Leah, and “brought her to Jacob, and Jacob consummated the marriage with her.” (Genesis 29:23) Of course Jacob was surprised the next morning, and spoke to their father. He finished the bridal week with Leah, then married Rachel in return for another seven years of service. (Genesis 29:27-30)

Now, Rachel was “well formed and beautiful and Jacob had fallen in love with her.” (Genesis 29:17-18). Rachel was Jacob’s choice for a wife. After they were married, Jacob loved Rachel more than he loved Leah. (Genesis 29:30) What is so endearing to me is that the Lord saw that Leah was unloved. (Genesis 29:31

Leah and Rachel went on to bear children. Between Leah, Rachel, and both of their handmaids, twelve 12 sons and 1 daughter were born to Jacob. These sons become the twelve tribes of Israel. (Both polygamy and concubines were culturally acceptable then, as the moral law had not yet been fully revealed. Christ restored the sanctity of marriage when he came by returning to it the standards of indissolubility and exclusiveness, as was intended by God from the beginning (Catechism of the Catholic Church 1610, 1645)). 

Both women were the wife of Jacob, a descendant in a long line of Israel’s Patriarchs. As such, each woman gave birth to a son that would play a major role in Israel’s history. Rachel, the beloved of Jacob, gave birth to Joseph who was sold into slavery by his brothers. Ultimately, Joseph went to Egypt and was reunited with his family, having preserved them during a severe famine.

What is crucial to note is that Leah bears Jacob six sons.

One son is Judah, and this is who Jesus Christ is descended from. So yes, God sees not only your marriageability, but your purpose apart from what the world defines as attractive and acceptable. Jacob did not choose Leah be his wife. Leah was unloved by Jacob. Nonetheless, she was the wife that gave birth to Judah. And it was from Judah’s line that Jesus, the savior was born!

This is so encouraging for all of us because “not as man sees does God see, because man sees the appearance but the Lord looks into the heart.” (1 Samuel 16:7) This is not to say being attracted to our potential spouse is not important, as God is the author of attraction. It is to say that attraction is made up of more than just the appearance of a person. 

The interpretation of attractiveness is so much wider and broader than the world defines it to be. When we limit our potential dating pursuits to looks alone, or do not risk meeting new people because we fear rejection based on what we look like, we may miss out on what God has for us regarding marriage. Jacob only wanted to wed Rachel. Yet, it was Leah who would bear the line of the Messiah.   

Can you get real with yourself and with God?

As for me, I finally did muster the courage to post my picture online, go on more dates, and deal with the rejection that came. I knew that God saw that I was unloved. In 2010, I met the man that would become my husband. There was never any issue about my weight. Over the course of our marriage, I have been able to make considerable progress in figuring out my relationship with food; actually, losing and maintaining a significant weight loss. This was only possible with the help of God and the loving support of my husband.     

Putting our hope in God to bring about a suitable marriage partner for us is the answer. This includes a spouse who finds us attractive, as we them, regardless of what society deems acceptable. This is because “with God all things are possible.” (Luke 1:37)      

Do you struggle with feeling unattractive to the opposite sex? Do you fear posting a picture with your profile or meeting someone in person because you fear rejection based on how you look? Do you think God judges your suitability for marriage based on the world’s standards of attractiveness? Can you bring your answers to these questions to God in prayer?  

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