Your Marriage Is Equally Your Own as It Is Your Spouse’s

In honor of National Marriage Week, I'd like to ask you a question...

Are you looking for a marriage where you write the lines and your partner merely reads their script?

Are you auditioning people to star in a preconceived role where all major decisions—such as what type of wedding you will have, where you and your spouse will live, who will work and how much, what kind of car you will drive, and what type of vacations you will take (and so on) have already been made—consciously or subconsciously—by you?

How do you know you are open to what God—and your spouse—want for your marriage, and that you are authentically open to ideas or suggestions which may challenge the narrative you have already plotted in your own head?

I have heard from a number of guys, and a handful of ladies, some divorced, separated, or annulled, who shared, rather openly, with me that their spouse (current or past), to say it in as few words as possible, forgot to include them in the marriage plan. That is to say, one spouse had planned out exactly how the marriage was to look and function from the moment of engagement till death do them part: where the wedding would be, where they would live, where the kids would go to school, what sort of spiritual devotion the family must have.

In other words, one spouse forgot to include his or her spouse, the second most important person in the relationship (God being first), in the planning of the marriage.

It was as if one spouse fills a scripted role that the other spouse always directs and narrates.

In this context, I would like to offer the following extended metaphor for what marriage is.  

Marriage is like rowing a coxless pair (or a boat with just two people in it who have one oar each). It is a beautiful and graceful sport to watch, with harmony and fluidity not found in other sports. In a coxless pair, each rower has his own oar which counterbalances his partner’s, and to get what is a highly unstable boat actually moving, the rowers must row in sync with each other. Each rower’s body language, the feel of the rhythm, and strength on each pull and communication between partners (verbal and non-verbal) are necessary.

Besides power, the rowers need balance for a boat that is relatively easy to capsize. The rowers are both oriented and moved toward a goal, but neither rower knows he has reached the goal till after they have crossed the finish line because they are sitting backward (back is forward) in the boat and neither can see where they are going; fortunately, there are some lane guides to help keep them on course that they can see once they pass.

There needs to be a strategy among the two-member team, as one cannot go all out in the first 500m and have nothing left for the next 1500m, and both rowers, with the help of their coach, need to have input on that strategy. If one rower tries to be the hero and pull extra hard to make up for his partner not rowing as hard as he is, the boat veers off course. There are no spectators in the boat as both rowers are needed. Due to the necessity of teamwork, the race and row do not belong exclusively to one rower; it is equally one teammate’s as it is the other’s.

On many levels, marriage is much like rowing a coxless pair.

Though not always graceful, marriage is grace-filled made so through the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony, and the married couple needs to work with that grace. Marriage is a true partnership, and the partners are equally yoked to each other, working in sync, and giving verbal and non-verbal cues to each other. If one partner tries to bulldoze the other, it puts an unburden on the other, and the partners spin their wheels and go in circles instead of heading straight toward their goal (Heaven and holiness). 

There cannot be any spectators in marriage; failure for both to participate causes the marriage to veer, and, like rowing, marriage takes teamwork. Like rowing and any other sport for that matter, the spectators aren’t participating; they are only watching. There needs to a deliberate effort and strategy for marriage where both have a say in what the family will look like presently and in the future. The strategy and plan might be simple, but God, who like a coach, knows significantly more about marriage than either spouse, must have the first and final say in the marriage.  

How does this analogy help change our perspective of marriage?

In a culture that often frames marriage as a Nietzschean will-to-power relationship where one spouse seeks to dominate the other, we must ask ourselves some real basic questions:

What input do men have in marriage when the larger culture views expressions of masculinity as toxic mansplaining? What role do women have in marriage when misguided men view all attempts for women to help guide and have a say in family life as antagonistic feminism run rampant?

Can a husband not give input as to whether or not a stay-at-home mom is feasible? Is it fair for the wife to decide that she will be a homemaker without her spouse’s input? Can a husband not give input on whether the kids will attend public school, private school, or a home-school? Can a husband (or wife) not give input into what sort of lifestyle the family lives? After all, a marriage is equally the husband’s life as it is equally the wife’s life.

It boils down to this: if one spouse has already mapped out the marriage from start to finish, then where is the teamwork, where is there room for God? It appears that God has been made an afterthought, just like the other spouse, and room for His providence crowded out with directions and prescribed narratives that attempt to force God into playing a role.

Thereby, one spouse reduces the mystery of marriage to a suffocating kind of soft oppression, and one spouse loses his or her voice as the other turns a deaf ear.

If your spouse is your vocation, then God will speak to you through your spouse. 

So, the real problem is that one spouse cuts God mostly out from his or her life and relationship, and his or her spouse is or will be the collateral damage.

All of this matters because the sake of the world depends on the most basic community and oldest social structure in history, the family. If the family is done wrong, then the larger culture will also be done wrong. Each marriage will look different from the other in how these main ideas are expressed, and there will always be some give and take due to life’s circumstances, but the exceptions are not the norm, and the points still stand.

In review:

1. There are NO spectators in marriage; it takes teamwork.
2. The marriage is equally one spouse’s as it is the others; don’t forget to get input and feedback from your spouse.
3. If marriage is your vocation, then God will speak to you through your spouse, which will begin even before the “I do.”
4. One spouse should not force the other spouse into fulfilling a role that he or she imagined years in advance.