A dear friend of mine is getting married in just a few weeks.
We recently talked about the wedding and how all of the original plans for the celebration had to change because of social distancing regulations. The guest list was cut from 250 to 25. The food was changed from a buffet to a plated dinner. The actual ceremony was moved from inside to an outside grotto.
And, the honeymoon had to be postponed indefinitely.
I was impressed at how calmly my friend relayed all of these changes to me. You see, my friend is a pure type A; she's been a cross the "T" and dot the "I "kind of gal as long as I've known her. Her ability to plan life down to the smallest detail leaving nothing untied or forgotten is admirable.
Thus, it seemed totally uncharacteristic for her to portray all of these changes without an edge of frustration, panic, or irritation.
I expected her to be totally flummoxed.
"You are taking all of these changes in stride," I commented. "Isn't this hard for you to accept?"
Without hesitation, she replied. "This is what I have learned during our engagement. If I want to be happily married, I need to deal positively with change."
My facial expression must have registered a blend of skepticism and surprise because she laughed deeply and said, "I know! Can you imagine me, the queen of organization; the master of 3-dimensional chess leaning into the potential for chaos? Totally a 180 shift for me, right?!" I wanted to respond with 'no kidding' but thought it best to stay silent.
Here's a bit of the backstory on my friend. She is approaching 40 and this will be her first marriage. She earned a doctorate of law at a time when women felt like they had to prove they were better than their male counterparts. She has worked in the legal field since passing the bar. Her top goal in life is to bring order and justice to the messiness of situations that land on her desk.
Clearly, her career has been her priority; everything else comes in second.
In her late twenties, she began to feel the ache of being single. Her solution was to be efficient about 'adding' a relationship into her already full life. She investigated dating apps and decided on one that fit into her scheme.
Though she matched with many possibilities, few passed her scrutiny because they were unwilling to meet her tight list of relational demands. (Examples: he must be okay changing date times because I may have to be in court; be willing to change careers so that I can pursue mine; is totally accepting of me being the breadwinner; is okay with urban modern living and the reality that I don't cook; will stay home with our child [only ONE] for the first year of his or her life...)
With a list like that, it is no wonder she continued living alone.
The gnaw of loneliness continued to grow without mitigation. She tried easing its draw with shallow hook-ups and found shallow contentment. One or two night flings only magnified her solitude. She found it more difficult to achieve happiness through her career. Her love of life dwindled. Her self-reliance was called into question.
At night, she found herself asking the big questions about who she really was and what her purpose might be.
At another friend's suggestion, she decided to do some pro bono work that might ease her declining mental status. The cases she took (which involved complete disorder and confusion) eased her into a world of service. She found herself responding positively to the interruptions and mayhem that her non-billable work brought to her extremely planned existence.
Free-of-charge cases helped her see the beauty and lure found within the mystery of an ever-changing life. Serving others on their time clock and schedule opened her heart to let go and let God do the planning.
A few months later, my friend decided to attempt the dating scene one more time. This go-around was different. She changed her 'tight list' of relational demands to a list of "let's discuss these points" and see what transpires. She pledged to connect with everyone she matched and give each person at least 3 interactions. She committed to being comfortable with the unknown.
Her husband-to-be was the 9th match on the dating site.
His match came in when she was ready to give up—again. After one email exchange, though, my dear friend sensed something special in his easy and gentle demeanor. He was laid back with a low susceptibility to stress. He settled her urge to conquer the world and make it her kingdom. He was a change from what she expected. He was just what she needed.
What can be learned from this success story? One often finds pure and lasting love amidst a sea of change. Fulfilling relationships rarely result from one's personal planning. Rather they develop when you mix receptivity with self-giving. Relationships that turn into marriage are meant to be altered and transformed by God's creative power.
When one accepts this truth, one is prepared to become a spouse.
