Love Isn't Something You Get

Prepare yourself for what lies ahead.

You have decided to start dating in order to find someone to be with forever. You have started looking at matches and your hope is building. You hear a small voice in your head asking, “Might this be the year that God asks me to commit to another person for the rest of my life?” How exciting!

And, how frightening! The decision to date and find a spouse can be daunting. The unknowns can paralyze you quickly and fill you with anxiety if you let them. That’s why this is a perfect time to think about what to do and what not to do. It is the right time to learn what makes a relationship last and what causes it to fail. Let’s start by examining what makes a relationship end and then tackle what makes it flourish.

Relationships end for a variety of reasons.

Some seem trivial. (She wants to live in a warm climate, and he likes the change of seasons.) Others are more serious. (He thinks a personal relationship with Christ is enough while she wants the full experience of a Sacramental faith community.) Still, others are head-scratchers. Like the three that I am about to share with you.

The first couple stopped dating after nine months because they said they were growing apart. The second pair ended their relationship because they felt more comfortable alone or with friends. And the third couple said they needed to split because they just weren’t feeling it anymore.

To the outside observer, nothing obviously seems to be wrong in any of these relationships. There were no signs of abuse, addiction, or infidelity. In fact, all three couples portrayed bonds of respect and affection to those on the outside. So, what happened?

The people in these relationships were afraid to give their heart to the other.

They were reluctant to allow the other to hold their heart and were scared to tenderly hold the heart of the other. A death knell sounds for a couple when an exchange of hearts does not occur.

This quote by C.S. Lewis in The Four Loves helps you see what you should not do if you want to love someone forever:

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

C.S. Lewis rightly points out that it takes great courage to love someone fully.

It takes grit and fortitude to open your heart to the affection and adversity of another. He speaks truthfully that a closed heart will avoid all entanglements and heartache. AND it will prevent you from ever finding lasting love.

This quote by Pope Saint John Paul II in Love and Responsibility explains what you need to do to love permanently.

“Love consists of a commitment which limits one’s freedom—it is a giving of the self, and to give oneself means just that: to limit one’s freedom on behalf of another. Limitation of one’s freedom might seem to be something negative and unpleasant, but love makes it a positive, joyful, and creative thing. Freedom exists for the sake of love.”

This phrase reveals the key to faithful and flourishing love: total self-giving. It is the foundation of all lasting relationships. To love fully, you have to commit to the goodwill of the other. You must elevate their good above your own. You have to decide to hold their heart tenderly and feel with and for them. And you must let them do the same for you.

One more thought as you begin your dating journey…love is not something that you make.

Nor it is something that you get. Rather, love is an effort that two people take up together. What it becomes is totally dependent upon the vulnerability that each person is willing to share. When two individuals commit to opening their hearts to each other, their relationship can develop and deepen because the love they share has what it needs to continue to ‘become’.