What I Learned From a Wedding Without Vows

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I recently attended a wedding at a Greek Orthodox Church.

My memory is filled with the beauty of the gold domed ceiling covered in icons of the saints and stories from the old and new testaments. At the center of the dome was Jesus Christ.

The wedding ceremony was solemn and serious, beautiful and imbued with ritual. The program broke down each part of the ceremony: the betrothal, the lighting of the candles, the crowning, the common cup and reading of the gospel, the ceremonial walk, and finally the blessing or benediction.

Throughout the ceremony, the priest sang and the cantor (hidden behind a screen) responded in song. The beauty of the rituals transported the uninformed guest through the ceremony in a fog of reverence. It was beautiful, a feast for the senses.

The next morning, we attended Mass at our Roman Catholic home parish. By God’s divine providence and ironic sense of humor, the readings were all about marriage. The first reading was from Genesis 2. It begins, “The LORD God said: ‘It is not good for the man to be alone, I will make a suitable partner for him.’” And ends beautifully, “That is why a man leaves his father and mother and clings to his wife, and the two become one flesh.”

The psalm was "Your wife shall be like a fruitful vine in the recesses of your home; your children like olive plants around your table.” (Psalm 128:2) I looked over at my husband, smiled and squeezed his hand.

Suddenly a light bulb turned on in my head, “They didn’t exchange vows yesterday!”

Sitting there, I thought about the vows in a Catholic marriage.

A Catholic marriage is a sacrament, which changes the individuals, enabling them to love and serve others in the Body of Christ. It is a covenantal vow between God and the husband and the wife.

The bride and groom make a solemn promise to God and each other. The priest blesses the couple in the name of the Church, but the couple in a gift of pure self-giving, minister to each other the sacrament using the words:

I, N., take you, N., to be my wife/husband. I promise to be faithful to you, in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, to love you and to honor you all the days of my life.

Both the bride and groom publicly, before God and man, give themselves, in faith, to the other. Marriage, within the Catholic Church, is an image of Christ’s sacrificial love.

However, in today’s society the sacramental and serious nature of marriage has been lost.

A marriage at the local court house, at least in Colorado, is complete upon both parties signing the license, no vows necessary. Yes, many people still exchange vows, but often times they write their own vows. These vows have become a gesture of sentimental love, the googly-eyed, mushy-gushy love that ebbs, flows and wanes over time. We have moved from a time of covenant, vow and sacrifice, to a time of emotion, flimsy promise and escapism.

Sitting at Mass I thought no wonder many marriages don’t last. No wonder people are opting not to get married. Marriage has become synonymous with wedding, one and the same.

The wedding becomes the goal, rather than a wedding being the celebration of the creation of something new and wonderful, a marriage: “Therefore a man leaves his father and mother and cleaves to his wife, and they become one flesh.” (Gen 2:24)

Whether the wedding is a fabulous black tie event, a small intimate luncheon, or a country barn dance, what follows (the marriage) should be the purpose of the wedding.

Couples get married to become a new family and to co-create with God. They have searched and found their helpmate who will share the trials, tribulations, joys and victories in their coming life together. It is through the sacrament of marriage that God grants us the grace to live out our vows. The vows we make, the words we say matter. They reveal what is within our hearts. So when marriage is tough and messy, the promises we made, our vows, remind us that in good times and bad, through thick and thin, we promised to be faithful.

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