What Fulton Sheen Knew About Jealousy in Relationships

“Jealousy is nature's vanguard to monogamy.” —Fulton Sheen (Three To Get Married)

Venerable Fulton Sheen, what in the world are you talking about?!  At least, that's what I thought reading it. Usually we consider jealousy as “thou shalt not covet,” as we were warned in the ten commandments.

But this soon-to-be-saint talks about it like it’s a natural thing—maybe even helpful! I decided to dig into this idea and find out what he meant. Along the way, I discovered a particular spiritual awareness that jealousy offers us, if only we take a moment to understand where it originated.

Let’s start at the beginning—in Deuteronomy, which has this to offer:

“Take heed, therefore, lest…you fashion for yourselves against His command an idol in any form whatsoever. For the Lord, Your God, is a consuming fire, a jealous God.” (Deuteronomy 4:23-24)

“Jealousy” here is used to describe a form of loyalty; specifically, loyalty that demands from the beloved the same fidelity.

We see in Exodus too how God is described as a “jealous God,” usually in reference to the disloyalty of the Israelites. One God for one people, right? This one-and-only type of fiery loyalty is reflective of earthly marriage, particularly in the expectation for monogamy. In the New Testament, St. Paul’s analogy to marriage is crystal clear:

“For I am jealous of you with the jealousy of God, since I betrothed you to one husband to present you as a chaste virgin to Christ.” (2 Corinthians 11:2)

As images of God, we also experience jealousy, since we love in imitation of how God loves us. In a healthy, God-centered marriage, to be “jealous” of one’s spouse is much like Song of Solomon 8:6, to love each other “as a love whose jealousy is as fierce as the grave.” That’s a flowery way to put “til death do us part,” don’t you think?

Thus, jealousy in its perfect sense is a fierce loyalty, an emotional guard to protect a one-and-only union of two spirits. (See where Fulton Sheen was going with this?)

Now, we know God would never breach His loyalty, for His love is perfect and He does not experience the vice of envy. But humans are fallen and imperfect. Our love, and therefore our jealousy, is also imperfect.

Jealousy is no longer a fiery fidelity that we can control. It has turned into a volatile emotion that, unchecked, can wreak havoc in our relationships and marriages. But it also serves a purpose, a purpose for our own good.

We can think about it like this:

Jealousy is to relationships as shame is to sin.  

When we sin or want to sin, we naturally feel a sense of shame. We know that humankind didn’t start off with this guilt. Genesis 2:25 says Adam and Eve “were naked, but they felt no shame.” Those feelings showed up after the fall (Genesis 3:1-20). Only in God can we experience perfect emotion. After the fall, God gave us shame as a reaction against sin, to help us stay on His path.

Similarly, jealousy in our fallen state is a warning sign that something might be amiss in our relationship. This feeling alone can be helpful—if we didn’t have a gut feeling that something is wrong, we would have no idea what’s dangerous.

If we didn’t feel fear when we see a rattlesnake, would we know to avoid it? If we didn’t feel guilt when we’ve wronged someone, would we know to ask forgiveness?

God planted in us certain emotions that occur when we stray from His plans. Jealousy is our emotional reaction to disloyalty, to fear, or to any threat against the bond of marriage. This feeling can be fickle, though, because it happens not just if our one-and-only did something disloyal, but also if we merely suspect the danger of disloyalty.

What does that look like for us today?

Maybe a husband spends a little too much time talking to that pretty woman at the dinner party. Perhaps a wife becomes flirty with that coworker. Maybe one of the pair had a bad experience with someone else, and now lives in constant fear of it happening again.

We’re human, we slip up and hurt each other accidentally—that doesn’t end when you get married. When a spouse sets foot on what might be a slippery slope, the other spouse hears the alarm of jealousy going off and gets worried. When misused, as often happens, this feeling of jealousy can turn into envy, control, and manipulation.

Obviously, we don’t want that to happen. But what are we to do about these feelings of jealousy?

“Jealousy, which has been instinctively inseparable from the beginnings of love, is a denial of promiscuity and an affirmation of unity.” —Fulton Sheen (Three To Get Married, p. 113)

Venerable Fulton Sheen is just a fountain of good advice, isn’t he?

I love how he stated jealousy, in its true form, rejects promiscuity in favor of marital union. That’s a reflection of God’s perfect loyalty, and a directive to us. Our human lives are all about pursuing God and pursuing the perfection of our souls. That includes governing our emotions with virtue and reason.

We can do the same in managing jealousy. We’re not supposed to use jealousy as a free pass to snarl at anyone who glances at our significant other, or demand our spouse never meet friends alone, or hide from every member of the opposite sex. Don’t let fear turn a natural instinct into a controlling vice of envy.

What we should do is to be loving and reasonable. If/when you do feel that twinge of jealousy, take it as a sign to reflect on why it happened. Often, it crops up because of our own insecurity or desire to be our significant other’s constant center of attention. But it can also be a little alarm going off—it’s usually nothing, but sometimes it can indicate a problem.

Reflect on it, pray, talk to your significant other, and figure out why you’re feeling the way you do. Then you can act accordingly. If nothing else, you two can recall jealousy’s reflection of the way God loves us: fiery loyalty and permanent fidelity, all with the higher purpose of drawing us closer to Him.