Ladies, A Good Man Will Treat You as His Equal

Are you always in the driver's seat?

Ladies, what role does a sense of control play in your interactions with potential or actual boyfriends? 

If you’re like me, maybe you’ve realized that a good-looking guy from church or work or wherever would be willing to let you lead in a relationship. Maybe you’d get to make all the decisions, plan all of everything, and tell him how to fix his life. Maybe he’d even convert to Catholicism or, if he were already Catholic, start to go to church more, all because that’s what you wanted.

In other words, maybe you’d get to control the relationship. 

But, if you and I had all this in common, you too might eventually realize that taking the lead in a relationship can be exhausting, because when the woman leads she often simultaneously feels pressure to have—and keep—everything together. All the time. She often feels that she can’t show her vulnerability or doubt or reveal any of her flaws. 

Before meeting my now-husband, that was my track record.

I dated several good-hearted guys who would allow me to steamroll or at least direct the relationship. But each of those guys who allowed me to subconsciously steer everything had come and gone, at my own choosing, because though the attention was flattering for a time I knew that that wasn’t what my heart yearned for long-term. 

But in November of 2012, my track record ended. I received an emotigram and short message through CatholicMatch from a different sort of man. My first impression was that he was awfully good-looking, and my second impression, as I read through his profile and looked at his pictures, was that he knew who he was and he was serious about his faith. 

And, without even knowing I was doing so, I relaxed because he pursued me.

I didn’t have to scheme about how to get him to like me or contact me more. He just did. I didn’t have to convince or coerce him to value Catholicism the way I did, he already had a faith life of his own. Much as I think the word is overused, ‘organic’ is how I would describe the progression of our interactions, from messages to phone conversations to video chats. No machinations needed on my part.

And, far from asserting all my own opinions in a vacuum created by his indifference or insecurity, throughout that time I learned that he had plenty of opinions and life experiences of his own. 

Once we started officially dating and then as our relationship progressively grew, I learned too that he was perfectly capable of challenging me to rethink things if, for example, he disagreed with my approach to something. None of the previous guys I’d dated had been willing to do that. And whereas I might have bristled and become offended or rebuffed them if they had tried, with James things were different, because I felt emotionally safe.

He had pursued me.

I knew he was interested in me, I was not having to subconsciously prove myself to him by always being right, always doing or saying the right thing. He treated me as an equal, and equals sometimes question each other as they push each other to be better. 

That’s not to say, mind you, that I always took his criticisms well, or listened to what he had to say right away! But gradually I did become more and more receptive as I accepted that he was for me, not against me. 

And, in turn, I revealed more of my own doubts and struggles with this or that thing to him as I realized that he was not going to walk away. He was staying. He actually wanted to help me with the things that I struggled with, he didn’t expect me to have it all together. There was tremendous security there. And that security has strengthened over time and with the grace of the sacrament of marriage. 

When the right man comes, friend, you too will be able to relax.

You won’t have to take the reins of the relationship, you won’t have to force things, and you won’t have to be perfect. You’ll be able to be yourself, and what’s more you two will push each other to be the best version of yourselves. That’s worth looking forward to.