Yes, Ladies, You Will Find a Good Man!
27
Is it all in vain?
I recently saw a Facebook post addressed to single women by The Woman School founder January Donovan that read: “You should be 200% convinced that he is 100% convinced about you.”
So many of the single women I’ve talked to seem unsure about whether they could really trust in God’s ability to bring them a good man willing to commit for life. If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard, “There don’t seem to be any good men anymore,” or, more humorously, “Does your husband have brothers?” I’d have a very respectable side-hustle going by now.
In my own experience living the single life, the few women I did know who met wonderful husbands found them when they were closer to the age of 30 than 20. This meant they spent their 20's searching for their husband and being single for years...when they desperately didn't want to be. Even if a good man were out there, as a young working professional in my early 20s, I reasoned that I shouldn’t plan on him arriving for years and years.
I figured that maybe by not expecting anything, even though I was definitely hoping to meet him sooner, my heart would be less disappointed.
My experiences tell a different story.
On the other hand, I was no stranger to imagining what-could-be with almost every reasonably good-looking Catholic man I came across. Things never got as desperate as in the 2009 movie “He’s Just Not that Into You,” but more than once I absolutely spent time that I’ll never get back scheming about how to get a decent man to be interested in me.
But nine years since my husband messaged me, and six years since we said ‘I do,’ I’m struck by the January Donovan quote because I’ve experienced the reality of being 200% convinced that my man is 100% convinced about me. And, for the record, neither scheming nor time-wasting were part of the equation when it came to meeting my husband.
If you’re a woman wondering if lifelong commitment from a man who is truly devoted to you is possible, this encouragement is for you. And if you’re a man seeking to love a good woman well but wondering how to shore up your capacity for a lifelong commitment, I’ll share a few thoughts from two good men I know, too. And, of course, the recommendations about expanding one’s capacity for commitment don’t just apply to men!
Is lifelong commitment from a good man possible?
I wish I could tell every single woman a few things.
1. Yes, it’s fair to expect that your husband is going to find you beautiful and tell you so, every day, five and ten and twenty and fifty years down the road. My husband asks me at least once every day to marry him.
2. Yes, you can turn away a man who proves himself incapable of self-gift in small and large ways during dating, who isn’t able to sacrifice for you or those closest to him.
3. Yes, you can expect that a good man will take your opinions and ideas seriously, help you pursue your dreams, and seek to make your life more pleasant. James has consistently treated me as his equal intellectually, showing me that he values my intelligence and perspectives. He’s also encouraged my passion for writing while mothering young children. Though I feared that he would perceive my desire to write as taking me away from my family responsibilities, he’s made it clear that we both deserve to have interests and hobbies and that having time and space to pursue those things helps us be better parents and spouses.
Finally, he strives to make our home a more comfortable place. Over the last couple of months, he’s ripped out the 40+ years old carpet in our house and laid vinyl plank flooring down. It’s been slow-going with his full-time job, but as it's taken shape I’ve been reminded of the words of the country song, “nail by nail and board by board, Daddy gave life to Mama’s dream.”
How can a man commit forever?
I asked my husband James how he was able to commit to loving me well forever. He offered two main thoughts in response. First, he said, he was raised to believe that when you make a promise, including a promise to love another person for as long as you both shall live, you keep it. When you make a commitment, you keep it. Secondly, he told me, ‘I thought you were worth it.’
I asked my brother-in-law Matt his thoughts on this topic, and he agreed that women absolutely deserve the stability of a lifelong commitment from a man in marriage. He also noted that God asks just such a commitment of both men and women, as we read in Genesis 2:24, Ephesians 5, 2 Corinthians 6:14, Ecclesiastes 9:9, Mark 10:8-12, 1 Peter 3:7, and many other places in the Bible.
What’s more, God does not arbitrarily ask for a lifelong commitment of those entering into a marriage covenant. Such a commitment is for our good, as we read in the Catechism of the Catholic Church paragraph 1660. “The marriage covenant, by which a man and a woman form with each other an intimate communion of life and love, has been founded and endowed with its own special laws by the Creator. By its very nature it is ordered to the good of the couple, as well as to the generation and education of children. Christ the Lord raised marriage between the baptized to the dignity of a sacrament.”
How do you increase your capacity for lifelong commitment?
Both James and Matt emphasized the necessity of first making and keeping lots of little commitments, even one as simple as planning to meet a buddy for a beer and then actually doing so. Gradually, you become able to make and follow through on big commitments. James said, too, “Marriage isn’t just one big commitment, it’s a series of small commitments. And if you fail in that commitment one day, you recommit to doing better the next day.”
Matt additionally encouraged developing a regular prayer life and periodically fasting as means to develop the self-discipline and right ordering of one’s passions that are necessary to freely make a gift of oneself in marriage.
I hope this blog post will give you hope as you search for your future husband! As frustrating as dating can be at times, remember, there ARE good men out there and one of them is the one God has intended for YOU!
Find Your Forever.
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