God Loves All of Us—Including Your Ex-Spouse

It can be easy to rattle off the belief of how God loves everyone.

However, it can be another thing to remember and believe that God loves everyone—including your ex-spouse.

When I was in the throes of divorce proceedings and moving home for a time with my parents, my feelings and thoughts were all over the map. Sometimes I felt strong and confident, that I was going to be fine no matter what. Other times, I felt so angry I wanted to punch a hole in the drywall of my parent’s basement or I wished a semi-truck would just back over my ex-husband.

I am not trying to tell you your feelings are bad, they are just your feelings helping you understand something deeper is going on inside of you to address.

The pain, hurt, and anger you feel over your divorce or even towards your ex-spouse are real and matter to God.

However, we cannot stay in that place forever. Imagine if I never left that headspace of, “Gosh I just wish a semi truck would back over him.” 

I would be swimming in my own bitterness and resentment.

Here are some helpful principles to let go of resentment, not have a hardened heart, and remember that God really does love everyone; yes even your ex-wife or husband.

1. You cannot control your ex-spouse's actions or words.

This is a hard concept to settle in sometimes, yet, it is a very important part of learning healthy detachment from the person you used to be married to. You have no control over another person. The only thing you do have control over is your reactions, words, and actions. Focus on that, not the person you cannot control (or maybe want to!).

Clinging to resentment, or even worse, revenge, will only eat away at your heart like a toxic cancer. While that might feel good in the moment, it will catch up with you and eventually will destroy your peace and ability of moving forward in healing and hope.

Take responsibility for yourself. If you are struggling with a need or desire to control your ex-spouse, try praying the Serenity Prayer. I found that to be a powerful, helpful reminder when I was navigating some painful decisions about my own marriage and divorce. It is a great reminder of what we can and cannot control.

2. Remember that God’s desire is to see BOTH of you in Heaven.

Even writing these words to you feels a bit uncomfortable for me, and it's been four years since my own divorce and annulment. If the love of God is passionate and wild for you, you have to accept the reality that the exact same thing is true for your former husband or wife. We might not feel or believe that to be true, but it is a fact.

Now this does not excuse the reality that your ex-spouse hurt you deeply or treated you poorly. None of this minimizes the pain you have walked through and experienced. No matter how badly he or she has behaved, God still loves and desires the soul of your ex-spouse. 

3. Struggling with forgiveness? Ask God for the desire to forgive.

I think this is such an important thing to remember when it comes knowing God loves everyone, even the person who may have most hurt you.

I struggled with forgiving my former spouse, and I am sure many of you would be able to relate to that. Looking back, I can see I was trying to forgive on my own strength and “making” it happen instead of asking Jesus to help me. One day in Confession, I told the priest how there were days I wasn’t sure I even wanted to forgive my former husband. The priest told me that was okay, but challenged me to begin and ask Jesus to give me the desire to forgive him.

Ask God to give you the desire to forgive, and spend all the time you need there. This is a prayer Jesus will always answer because it is good for us, and He desires us to forgive as He did during His life. Forgiveness could be the spiritual breakthrough you need, do not underestimate it.

Have you struggled before (or maybe currently) with keeping in mind that God loves your ex-spouse just as He loves you? 

What has helped you accept and come to a deeper peace with that idea?