Are You Mature Enough for a Real Relationship?

Our dating culture has become corroded enough that a whole new set of slang terms has arisen to describe it—everything from ghosting, to submarining, to stashing, to curving. It’s a sad sign of the times, and we looked into how those behaviors can show up in the online dating world. We’re ready for a change in the way we live our lives and conduct our relationships.

Or are we?

Let’s take a step back and think about how the world will look if people did the opposite of these lowly, modern, dating tactics.

Instead of being “curved” (the phenomena where you get replies to your messages and texts that are so short they qualify as polite brush-offs), you get thoughtful e-mails where your dating prospect opens a little piece of themselves—nothing inappropriate, but something that shows you more than the glittering profile facade.

Instead of being “stashed” (kept away from your dating partner’s family and friends), you’re introduced to the family. If it’s holiday time, you’re invited to participate in special family functions. You’re getting a taste at what it would be like to be “one of the family.”

Instead of being “ghosted,” your romantic prospect consistently communicates with you. If they want to end things, they tell you straight out.

This all sounds terrific—and it is. It’s what we say we want and know we should want. But how about we ask ourselves one simple question—are we really ready for relationships built on straightforward honesty, openness, self-sacrifice and change?

How do you really feel about curving? “The message she sends are like novels!”

This would apply in the early stages of an online dating correspondence. You aren’t being curved. Quite the contrary. You’re getting long, thoughtful messages that give you a window into the other person. They’ve told you about personal goals and dreams (again, without getting inappropriate) as a way of testing compatibility. They’ve told you about some personal struggles. They’ve sounded off on some of the controversial stories of the day, from what's going in the Church to Trump’s latest tweet.

What’s your reaction to this? Are you excited that they’re interested and that you’re learning more about them? Or is you’re reaction more like, "They have waaay too much time on their hands."

Is this stashing? "He invited me over on Christmas Day. That’s a little too much! I always spend Christmas with my grandparents."

You’re not being stashed. You’re front and center. Whether it’s a holiday gathering or just dinners with the immediate family, there are expectations of you. Maybe the result is your dating partner is more than generous about opening their world to you, but a whole lot of stinginess shows up when it’s time to break some of their cherished routines and traditions. It could be as significant as Christmas plans or as low-level as control of the remote during Thanksgiving Day football (okay, that’s me).

Is your instinctive reaction to these intrusions one of defensiveness? Or are you excited about the opportunity to start new traditions and a new way of life with someone else?

Is ghosting easier? “It’s not the fact they broke up with me that has me upset. It’s the way they did it.”

Has this statement ever been you after someone told you a relationship was over and what the reason was? I’ve been cleanly dumped twice and told the reason. I’d like to tell you that I was just fine with it. But in reality, I look back on other relationships where the person just faded away and—as aggravated as I was at the time— the ending didn’t carry the same negative emotions. I’ve also been on the flip side and clearly told someone why a relationship was ending. It didn’t go over well.

In those situations where you’ve heard the reason for a breakup, were you all good with it? Or did the anger simply relocate somewhere else?

So, should we strive for ghosting, curving, & stashing?

Not exactly. We should strive to be exactly the person we say we want to be. The one who hears clear break-up messages and takes them gracefully, if with some hurt. Who is willing to really listen or read an e-mail about another person’s hopes, dreams and thoughts on hot-button subjects. Who is ready to alter—but not obliterate—their own way of life to accommodate a new person in the hopes of creating something better.

But being who we say we want to be isn’t easy. In fact, it’s excruciatingly hard. The effects of original sin in all of us mean that there will always be a gap—a substantial one—between the person made in the image and likeness of God, and the person we are in day-to-day life. The purpose of life on earth is to narrow that gap on the path to Heaven and dating relationships are an arena where we do that.

So if there are emotions with you that “go off” so to speak, at the prospect of being faced with a truly mature relationship, don’t beat yourself up. Be grateful for the recognition. By working through it, you’re a step ahead of most of the modern world.

One of the iconic movie scenes in Hollywood lore is from the 1992 film A Few Good Mean, where Tom Cruise and Jack Nicholson’s characters clash over how much of the truth Cruise really wants to know. The exchange that lives on is Cruise demanding “I want the truth!” and Nicholson shouting back with equal force, “You can’t handle the truth!”

Can we handle the truth? That’s the question underlying all of modern dating’s immature norms.