Why Dating "Leagues" Are a Myth

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Society plays one of the biggest roles in forming our self-perception.

With the explosion of social media, we are bogged down with the sin of comparison. We compare ourselves to the lives of others. The odd thing is, not everyone’s life is just as it appears on social media, and we know this. And yet, we continue to view social media timelines of our friends, coworkers, and neighbors as a benchmark. Society tells us that we must measure up: Conform. Look like them. Act like them. Be on the same path as them.

There’s the common phrase “keeping up with the Joneses.” This phrase means that we compare ourselves to those around us. Social media can be thought of as “Keeping up with the Joneses 2.0,” and is the original version, only more extreme. Before social media, we still compared our lives to one another, but now, not only do we compare realistic versions of others to our real selves, we compare the unrealistic versions of others (how they appear on social media) to our real selves.

We are constantly trying to attain the unattainable—a “perfect” life.

Life is not perfect, as we all know, yet we are constantly tricked into thinking that it can be or should be. I do not agree with the phrase “life is not fair” because it is. It is more than fair. Fairness implies getting something of value because one deserves or has a right to it. We don’t deserve eternal salvation, yet the Lord gave it to us. Life is a blessing by God—the unrepayable gift. Life isn’t perfect, but it is fair. It has its ups and downs, but it is beautiful all the same. We shouldn’t compare ourselves to one another but see life for what it is—an amazing journey.

Comparison can also be seen in the world of dating.

The phrase “out of our league” is thrown around a lot, and we often view someone as “too good” for us, whether it be their looks, financial status, personality, or other traits. If we deem someone as “too good” for us, we believe that we cannot be with that person, that they “deserve better,” and we must lower our standards and search elsewhere. 

Often, we perceive ourselves as lower than those we are attracted to when in reality, it isn’t the case at all. When we see photos of ourselves or when we look in the mirror, our eyes are drawn to our imperfections or features that we deem “less than desirable.” Similarly, if you listen to an audio recording of yourself, you will most likely not like it—the sound of your own voice will sound “cringey.”

Both of these instances deal with perceiving ourselves as less.

We perceive our interests as being in a different league because we don’t notice those qualities in others and only see them in ourselves (in fact, we exaggerate our own faults). And therefore, we often think of those we are attracted to as “too good” for us.

Here’s the great part: most of the time, others are likely to not notice our faults at all—just because they may “stand out” to us, it is likely that our faults don’t even cross the minds of others. Why? Because they are not present to them. We see our own faults because we live with them, day in and day out. The outsider sees us from a different lens: they see us, but they don’t have time to analyze and break down our faults to the degree that we do.

I recently attended an event at a local parish called “Made For More,” which included a talk by Theology of the Body expert Christopher West. It was my first time attending an event like this. I had a vague idea of what Theology of the Body was. I was amazed.

Not only are we made by God, but God has known us from the beginning, and it was His will that we should enter the world. Us. You and I. Each one of us was chosen by God to live life on this Earth. Therefore, each of us has a purpose for being here. Once we realize that, our idea that one person is all-around “better” than any other is completely false.

Busting the Myth

I am here to tell you that leagues are not real—they are constructs in our minds and are only there because society tells us that they exist. Each of us has value and worth, and it is up to us as Catholics to spread this message. We are much deeper than the superficial, and we have unique qualities that make us simply “unrepeatable and irreplaceable,” as Christopher West often says, and we need to make sure that rather than looking at someone, we need to see them for who they are in total—a holistic view.

If leagues aren’t real, how should we respond? The answer is simple: Pursue people that you find attractive, no matter how far “out of your league” they may seem. Ice hockey star Wayne Gretzky once said, “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” Although this quote is often overused, it carries a lot of truth. If you don’t message the people you deem “too good for you,” you leave it up to them to reach out to you.

To get the conversation going, why not send a message?

Putting yourself out there, whether in the online dating scene or in real life, takes a lot of guts. You must be confident. Confidence is attractive, especially in a world of indifference. Remember, the Lord is with you always, and your Guardian Angel is at your side.

My favorite quote is “Pray, hope, and don’t worry.” by St. Pio of Pietrelcina (St. Padre Pio). I feel like we hear those words, and we think they sound nice, but they are quite hard to put into practice. We must keep in mind that St. Paul tells us, “Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God.” (Philippians 4:6).

When reflecting on this verse, it’s freeing. As Christians, we don’t have to worry at all. We still do because we’re human. We cling to worry because it is a coping mechanism—it’s a way of getting through the roller coaster of life. But here’s the thing: we don’t have to worry. We can simply let go, for God is with us and for us, and “If God is for us, who can be against us?” (Romans  8:31). We also have the saints, who are shining examples of how to live a life of peace and joyfulness.

So, you’ve sent a message. Now what?

They will either reply to keep the conversation going, reply and politely say they aren’t interested, or they won’t reply at all. If they reply, great! I suggest keeping the conversation interesting by asking about them rather than the weather or other general topics. People like to talk about themselves, and if you ask them questions about their life, they are more likely to reply, and the conversation will continue.

Regarding the last two items, it’s important to keep in mind that God has a plan for us all, and if someone isn’t interested in us, that is OK. It simply means that we are not meant for that person, and there is another person (or religious vocation) that He is calling us to instead.

Comparison—it’s one of the biggest plagues of society.

Our value and worth are not based on how the world and others see us. As Catholics, we know that we are made in the image and likeness of God (Imagio Dei) and that each of us is wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14). As mentioned previously, God has known us since before we were born, and He has a plan for our lives. We are born with free will and can follow God’s plan or not. If we follow the path the Lord has for us, we will be infinitely satisfied, for it is the path that leads to our salvation.

So, don’t base your life on the plans and life stages of others. Instead, base it on the one who made you and has known you even before you were made in the womb. You are wonderful, and you are a child of God. Keep that in mind as you continue on your quest to find your life partner.

Find Your Forever.

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