5 Ways to Let Your Love Grow

What's the big deal about love?

Victor Hugo famously wrote "There is in this world no function more important than that of being charming….To shed joy around, to radiate happiness, to cast light upon dark days, to be the golden thread of our destiny, and the very spirit of grace and harmony, is not this to render a service?"

We live in a culture that does its best to capitalize on the survival of the fittest. (It’s a dog-eat-dog world. Only the strong survive. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.) And all the other clichés that glorify grit over tenderness. Our culture sees gentleness as weakness. As if a wife bringing a drink to her husband after a long day or a husband going the extra mile to make sure his wife gets rest is unfair. Everyone wants to be served. Who wants to serve?

I propose that what our world needs more than anything is tenderness.

St. Paul’s words to the Philippian Church still resonate, “Your kindness should be known to all. The Lord is near.” This applies to everyone—women AND men!

It’s those everyday small acts of kindness, of gentleness, of service that make relationships good. You may be drawn to someone by chemistry or compatibility, but it is the tender affection and kindness that will keep you there. C.S. Lewis calls this “affection,” but the Greek word is storge. In fact, Lewis says it is “responsible for nine-tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our natural lives.”

If this is true (and who am I to doubt the great Lewis?!), how can we bring more sweetness into our world and relationships?

1. It’s the little things.

Sometimes when we think of love, we focus on grand romantic gestures and activities that take a lot of planning or expense. But, isn’t it the little things that make the most difference?

When someone remembers your coffee order and doesn’t have to ask. When you fall asleep on the couch and when you wake up you realize that someone covered you gently with a blanket and didn’t even wake you up. A note left on a car windshield because a friend noticed your car in the parking lot. A gentle squeeze on your arm as they pass at a party. Saving you a seat next to them at church. The little tender things that show awareness of the other—those are the things that make the every day lovely.

2. “Beauty will save the world.”

Dostoevsky wrote it and truer words were never spoken. Soldiers on the battle field don’t clutch their bank statements or look longingly on pictures of their cars. How many of our great grandparents got through their tough times looking at the beautiful face of the one they loved—even if just a photo tucked into a breast pocket.

Today though, we brush aside beauty. It may be nice, but really, not essential. We easily become slaves to what is efficient or practical. Everything from our meals to our clothing choices to what we listen to in our earbuds is based on convenience and utility. What about beauty? Maybe we could give ourselves permission to make choices based on what is lovely, pleasing to behold, and radiating natural goodness.

The Bible makes this clear when St. Paul says, “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious, if there is any excellence and if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.” Philippians 4:8

3. Put down your phone.

I have noticed, especially when I am out with my children, that they notice everything—the little bugs on the path, the interesting mushroom on the tree trunk, tiny frogs, the shape of the clouds. Adults miss half this stuff, and many times because we are filtering our world through a tiny screen.

We look at other people’s pictures of sunsets more often than we go outside at dusk to experience it ourselves. Sometimes we can’t even enjoy a beautifully plated meal for its own sake, because first we have to find the best filter and take a photo of it for our social. If you want to bring more tender affection into the world, realize that that happens incarnationally—it takes being present in the flesh. So set aside the technology, look at who or what is around you, and give yourself over to it.

4. Embrace gender roles.

What do I mean by this? I don’t mean that women can’t drive a truck or men can’t cook. These are ridiculous ways to define gender roles. But, I do mean that in a culture that exults over ambiguity and androgyny, it is OK (even more than OK!) to be a truly feminine woman or a truly masculine man. Expressing your affection either through your softness and warmth or your protective inclinations are one way you image God in this world. The culture may call it toxic, but remember that God called your sexuality good. Make no apologies for being unashamedly feminine or unabashedly masculine.

5. Learn to speak multiple love languages.

Gary Chapman’s groundbreaking 1992 book has given several generations the vocabulary to speak about love—namely in five “love languages.” These languages help clarify what actions and attitudes speak to your heart and what ways you communicate your heart to others. They are Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, Quality Time, Acts of Service, and Giving of Gifts.

While you may find that one of the ways resonates more with you than another, becoming fluent in all of them (at least to a proficient degree—even if it never becomes your primary) is one way you can show others in your life how you value them. You can use this not just in a romantic context, but with your friends, children, and colleagues. This one small act of being aware of other’s language and speaking it to them can go a long way in bringing an atmosphere of tenderness to even a tense relationship.

Ask God for new eyes.

The world is really full of so much beauty. But we get caught up in the grime. We glorify grit. But, we have a choice. We can choose to see the most beauty and call it forth. The poet Rilke wrote, “If your daily life seems poor, don’t blame it, blame yourself for not being poet enough to call forth it’s riches. To the creator there is no poverty.” Draw close to that Creator and ask Him for new eyes—to see the beauty and the courage to live in it’s reality.

If beauty will save the world and you learn to create more beauty in the world, you are the hero we have all been waiting for. We are glad you are here.