Don't Stop Your Significant Other From Being Vulnerable

There is one thing I for sure don’t do when people cry in my presence: hand them a tissue.

And in case you’re thinking it, I promise—I’m not cruel. The reason I don’t give tissues to crying people is mostly because of what one of my grad school professors said that really struck me.

He, a marriage and family therapist, stood in front of his students and told us he keeps a box of tissues close enough for clients to reach but never hands one to them because of what handing a tissue to them inadvertently could communicate: “Stop crying.”

He wants them to cry without reservation. So he is conscious of how his actions might encourage or prevent that. He creates an environment where it’s safe for people to feel and express feelings—which is exactly what we should create for the people we date (or marry). But do we?

We will be called in marriage to be naked without shame—and not just physically.

But how likely will we be to bare our hearts and minds (let alone our bodies) to each other if we don’t feel safe? How likely are the people we date to feel safe if our actions discourage vulnerability?

Once, I took a risk and admitted to a boyfriend that I had struggled that week with anxiety. He told me he wasn’t sure he wanted his future kids to have a mother who could get as anxious as I got—which not only wrecked me but also obliterated any sense I might’ve had that sharing my emotions with him was a good idea.

I think many of us have had similar experiences. We have had the courage to express a feeling, a doubt, or a concern to a loved one who got scared of it or shamed us for it or minimized, dismissed, or denied it. Maybe we're comfortable with emotions a loved one seems determined not to let us feel. Or maybe we're determined not to let our loved ones feel some of theirs.

When your girlfriend is in a bad mood, do you try to make her laugh for her benefit or for yours?

Is it because being teased or tickled is what she said she needs from you right now, or is it because you don’t like how you feel when she’s mad or stressed, so you want her not to be mad or stressed anymore?

When your boyfriend is grieving, do you talk about everything but his loss for his benefit or for yours? Is it because distraction is what he said he needs from you right now or is it because you don’t like how you feel when he’s sad, so you want him not to be sad anymore?

It is because you don’t think your significant other should have to feel anger, for example, or is it because you prefer an environment that has no angry significant others in it? Because a lot of this really is an effort to control the environment. If I can create a comfortable environment, I don't have to feel discomfort. If I can manage the environment, I don't have to manage myself.

And so we tell ourselves “my significant other has lost control of his or her emotions.”

But is that true? Or is it that you’ve lost control of your environment?

Is it that you want her to stop crying because she isn’t in as much control as she should be, or is it that you need her to stop crying so your environment is exactly what you’d like it to be?

If you experience discomfort when your partner is sad or stressed or anxious or mad, it’s natural to want a partner who never is. And because these are uncomfortable emotions, it’s easy to convince yourself that what’s best for your partner is for him or her not to feel them. But I wonder if there's a different reason—the real reason—you don't want your partner to express these emotions: because a partner who doesn't express them is what's actually best (and easier) for you.

But is that really best? Is it really better that your significant other has no (or bottles up) emotions so you don’t have to feel any of yours?

And what if the emotions he or she is expressing are rooted in a trauma, a wound?

None of us can heal from anything bad that happens to us without talking about it. What kind of partner am I if when my significant other tries, I—with words or actions—ask him not to?

That's like saying "my comfort is more important than your healing." And it disregards what love sometimes requires of us—to be the person willing to witness your partner's pain, not the person who runs from it; the person who lets your partner express emotion, not the person who stifles it; the person who accompanies your partner in suffering, not the person who causes it; the person who asks partners what they need while they’re expressing one emotion, not the person who tries to get them to express a different one.

Just because you’re uncomfortable with an emotion doesn’t mean your partner should be.

And because your partner is willing to express it doesn’t mean he or she likes it. It actually might just mean he or she is willing to be uncomfortable when necessary.

Are you willing, for his or her sake, to be uncomfortable when necessary, too?

Until you are, significant others may not feel safe with you.