It recently occurred to me that one of the key attributes a man should look for in a wife may not be immediately apparent. Of course, you want someone who loves you as much as you love her, but there is an unconditional aspect to it that is not easy to discern early in a relationship.
I, for one, didn’t fully appreciate this aspect of a relationship until I had been married for over 20 years.
My high school sweetheart, Mary, became my wife when she was 20. We were madly in love. Cancer took her from me 38 years later, but it could never erase the joyful memories - and the five children - we created together.
I knew she loved me, but I didn't know the depths of it until after 22 years of marriage, and I had made a foolish financial mistake that would likely bankrupt us. It was my fault, and the burden of that mistake weighed so heavily on me that I was in tears as I confessed to her the possibility that we would lose everything.
Her response shook me to the core of my being.
She hugged and kissed me, telling me that we would be okay no matter what happened. Our health was good, the kids were doing great, and she still loved me no matter what. And if we had to start over, we would do it again, and we would do it together. What an incredible woman I married.
Fortunately, things turned out well, and my failure had no adverse financial consequences. However, her unconditional love, as demonstrated in that moment, revolutionized our marriage.
Six years after I lost her to cancer, I remarried — to a woman I met on CatholicMatch.
While many things attracted me to Patrice, my “relationship radar” was looking for that unconditional love I had known so well. Mary and Patrice are two distinct women, differing in many ways. However, I discerned during our dating period that Patrice had one thing in common with Mary — an unconditional love for me.
How did I know?
There were things I looked for: signs, actions, moments when her attitudes and affections were demonstrated in ways that signaled a woman of grace whose heart was entirely mine.
What were those signs?
She made herself vulnerable by sharing her past — the good, the bad, and the ugly. She openly expressed her fears, failures, and hopes.
Patrice accepted all my flaws. In her eyes, there was much to love, but I made sure she got to know the real me, peculiarities and all.
She listened. I don’t consider myself a talker or much of an extrovert. She laughs at my self-assessment. But in those moments when I do talk, I tend to overshare, and she patiently listens.
When I made a mistake, no matter how small or big, she never criticized, mocked, or made fun of me. More often than not, she stood beside me and helped me solve the problem.
She put my interests above her own. Of course, I try to do the same, which is one aspect of a great relationship. However, I appreciated her willingness to often sacrifice her own interests for mine.
My (then future) wife enjoyed our conversations. The phone conversations we had during our dating period proved to be an early indication of how our conversations would unfold during our marriage. Believe me, we needed to grow in our communication skills. Still, our willingness to engage in dialogue and listen to one another has helped us manage our way through conflicts and misunderstandings.
She showed empathy when I was struggling with my emotions, supported me in my goals and ambitions, and stood by my side during tough times (both metaphorically and literally).
My Patrice has a forgiving heart.
To no one’s surprise, after seven years of marriage, all of the above is still true.
Every marriage, sooner or later, will go through tough times. Marital challenges will come in various forms, whether it be financial, family issues, communication, health, or intimacy-related. You and your spouse are human - expect it.
There is no way to avoid conflict.
It will come, but you can prepare for it and be better equipped to handle it as a couple.
Remember, God loves us unconditionally. And marriage, a living symbol of God’s love for us, must also be one of unconditional love.
