Even Once You're in a Relationship, God Isn't Finished With You Yet!
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Recently a friend asked how my wife Patrice and I were doing.
It was more than just a casual, light-hearted request. Knowing it was the second marriage for both of us and recent family drama had poured a bottle of Tabasco sauce into our chili pot of marriage, our friend’s inquiry was a legitimate expression of concern.
My answer was, “We are doing just fine.”
But, then I elaborated.
“Patrice and I complement one another well. She calls forth the best in me, as I do her. I am a left-brain, analytical thinker who likes to evaluate options and plan my next steps. I call it ‘planned procrastination!’ She is a go-getter who gets things done through quick decision-making, which is especially helpful in emergencies. Our diverse personalities push each of us out of our comfort zones—which is not a bad thing. The funny thing is that while we usually agree on most issues of the day, we often differ in how we respond.”
Then I added, “But marriage is also fertile ground for conflict.”
We both chuckled, knowing that such a description applies to all marriages. Later it occurred to me—marriage is like a rock tumbler. These machines are designed to use a tumbling process within a motorized barrel to create an environment to produce beautiful stones. The tumbling grinds and smooths the rough edges and, over time, polishes them into jewelry-quality gems.
Isn’t that what marriage does? Two people join together and walk through life, dealing with its ups and downs, discovering that both bring unique personalities into the marriage. Like stones with rough edges, day-to-day living slowly, over time, smooths and polishes this sacramental relationship, helping one another become more Christ-like each day.
Years ago, I saw a white button about an inch in diameter. On it were the letters, “PBPGINFWMY.” I took the bait and asked the button owner its meaning. He explained it served as a reminder.
“Please Be Patient God Is Not Finished With Me Yet.”
I laughed but instinctively knew the truth of that statement. We are all works in progress, and when married, our marriages are works in progress. I dated my high school sweetheart for three years before we married. It proved to be a wonderful marriage for thirty-eight years, four months, and twenty-six days until cancer made me a widower. Though we had dated several years, married life proved to be the Great Revealer, as we both discovered new insights into the person we had married.
Patrice and I dated for a year before we married. We both naively thought that the lessons we learned in our first marriages would make for an easy transition into a second marriage with a spouse we dearly loved.
Then, the tumbling began!
Rock tumblers can be noisy and are in constant motion.
Smoothing the stones results in friction, which produces heat and sound. Likewise, the polishing process takes time too. Marriage is a dynamic process, a continuous learning and growing experience. The steady tumbling serves a purpose.
Rock tumblers require patience. Periodically, the rock tumbler needs to be cleaned and the water and sand replaced. Otherwise, the old mud will damage the tumbler, and the tumbling loses its effectiveness. Sounds a lot like forgiveness. Ruth Bell Graham, the wife of Billy Graham, once said that marriage was the “union of two great forgivers.” Billy and Ruth cleaned their rock tumbler frequently. Asking forgiveness offers the hope of smoothing. Accepting and giving forgiveness polishes it.
Soon after becoming man and wife, Patrice and I realized we each brought “baggage” into the marriage. She discovered I snored, didn’t always verbalize my feelings, and tended to over-analyze anything we purchased. I discovered that she vocalizes her feelings far better than me, makes decisions faster, and guess what, she snores too.
It wasn’t long before the tumbling of our marriage produced conflict.
We discovered our expectations might be on different wavelengths. She liked Downton Abbey. I am a Blue Bloods fan. She detests fried okra, and I yearned to eat it like my momma cooked it. She doesn’t know the difference between a touchdown and a first down, and her favorite football team is Manchester United. Huh?
Blending two families can produce unique sound effects—think about resolving where to spend the holidays, how to handle our finances, who takes out the garbage, or where to go on vacations. Recognizing and then communicating those observations can be a source of conflict. Finding the middle ground through compromise and acts of kindness can begin the polishing process.
“I’m sorry” and “Forgive me” became frequent comments. We embraced for extended hugs, savored daily thirty-second kisses, and learned to share the remote control. My sense of humor served to lighten conversations. Her gentle probing questions kept conversations going and avoided those awkward extended moments of silence. We always kiss each other goodnight—and never go to bed angry. Polish. Polish. Polish.
We discovered it was impossible to be mad at each other if we prayed together.
Our marriage tumbler does require certain ingredients for the tumbling action to be effective and result in polished gemstones. Becoming a We instead of just two I’s requires patience, communication, compromise, kindness, encouragement, respect, a husband who loves his wife, and a wife who loves her husband—and healthy spoonfuls of tenderness, compassion, and forgiveness. Humility helps too.
The author, Anne Lamott, describes a good marriage as one “where both people feel like they’re getting the better end of the deal.”
Tumbling can be fun. I have learned that BBC dramas can be entertaining, and she thinks Tom Selleck is still a hunk in his Blue Bloods role.
So, the next time my friend inquires as to how we are doing, I think I’ll just say, “We are still tumbling along and enjoying every minute.”
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