Online dating can get foggy sometimes. We ladies can write a profile that’s well-intended, addressing as many things as we can think of, and yet, sometimes it still works against us! The most likely culprits are common, simple things that drive men away from our profile and interacting with us.
Let’s see what they are and what we can do about it!
Devaluing masculinity
It is a common habit these days to speak poorly of men in general, and we ladies should really consider what a turn off it is. Belittling males, talking about how women are the best sex, and trash talking traditional masculinity is absolutely terrible, especially for our dating lives. Masculinity is indispensable, and absolutely necessary for a healthy romance and marriage. Let’s make sure to speak of it this way!
A lack of self-awareness
Ladies often have a long list of what they want in a man, but rarely turn that list around on themselves. You say they want a six-foot Prince Charming who makes six figures and frequents daily Sacraments . . . but are you Cinderella? Do you have a sparkling fancy career? Do you go to Confession every day? It’s not hard to look in the mirror; it’s just humbling. Besides that, sharing a huge list of standards chases men away from your profile! They click away knowing they can’t measure up to your perfect Mr. Fantasy. You’ll be left with an empty inbox wondering “Why won’t anyone talk to me?” It’s time to review and edit your long list of dating standards. It’s doing more harm than good!
Dismissing men too readily
This is the woman who finds any wild reason to dismiss a man online. Maybe she logs into her account to see five new messages in her CatholicMatch account. How lovely! But then analyzes their profiles, and decides not one man is good enough to respond to. “Well, I’m not sure I’m attracted to his picture.” “He’s not tall enough!” “He doesn’t go to Latin Mass like me.” “But he likes rock music and I only like country.” This is self-sabotage at its finest, and it will keep you very, very single.
Fake photos
Photoshop, filters, retouching, heavy lighting, stage makeup . . . you know what I’m getting at. Do your photos online look like you, or are you doctoring them in a misguided effort to attract more clicks? You can and should put your best foot forward–smile, wear your normal makeup, and take photos in natural lighting. But leave the Instagram filters and photoshop tools behind. Good men will like you for you, and you don’t want a man who only wants your filtered face.
The “dog mom” effect
Don’t get me wrong, it’s fine to have pets! “Dog mom effect” was what my husband said when I asked about what made him click away from CatholicMatch profiles. This is his term for when a woman’s whole personality revolves around one thing. If the first thing on her profile was “dog mom,” he could accurately predict an unhealthy obsession with her golden retriever. We ladies might get similarly attached to any number of things: a pet, a garden, a special diet, or even social media. But is this an interest or hobby, or is it a clear obsession? While hobbies are definitely important, obsessions leave no room for romance. Check your habits and your profile to make sure you’re giving the right impression!
Expecting a man to provide you with contentment
As singles, if we do not find peace in God and our faith, we will not find it in a man or marriage, either. It’s easy to think, “when I meet The One, then I’ll be happy!” And this attitude itself is the problem. This makes us think of men as something we can obtain, like we’re window shopping for shoes! Men can sniff that out a mile away, and they call it “desperation.” No matter which way you slice it, seeking contentment from another person is bad news.
Lack of response or engagement online
Playing hard to get, ghosting, or straight up ignoring people is a character flaw. You are not “letting him pursue” by waiting forever to respond, refusing to answer his calls, leading him on, or saying “I’m not sure, I’m busy” to a first date invitation. If a man has put thought and effort into a message, and you don’t see any glaring red flags in his profile, it’s in your best interest to respond to him. A good man will move on to greener pastures if he doesn’t get your reciprocation.
Gold digging statements
Treating men as a meal ticket is plain rude. Marriage is not a social status trophy, sole breadwinning is not the only family structure, and men are whole people on their own. Treat them that way! Just like us women, men want to be known and loved for who they are, not just what they can offer. While it is fine to know what you eventually want a marriage structure to be, it is not okay to ask about his salary before you’ve even gone on one date.
Only taking care of yourself when you’re single
There is a reason for the common trope of “letting yourself go” once you’ve gotten married or engaged. Often, the girl in question was only looking cute to attract a guy, instead of respecting and valuing her body as a gift from God. Ladies, let’s take care of ourselves for the right reasons. Men do care how we look and whether we are taking care of ourselves, but for reasons way deeper than physical attraction.
Emotional immaturity
Women are naturally more emotional than men, and rightly so. God designed us that way! But, we ladies need to make sure our emotions are balanced with rationale. Are we practicing healthy boundaries, or are we chronic people pleasers? Do we handle conflict calmly, or break down at the slightest provocation? Do we let our tears or fears rule our actions? Dating is a grown-up game, and we should make sure our emotional maturity is up to snuff. Husband-material men are looking for wife-material women, not women who act like preteen girls.
There’s a thousand small mistakes we can all make in the dating world, and don’t worry, they’ve all been made before. In the end, remember: it’s not about being perfect. It’s about trying. God can work around any number of false starts, faux pas, and missteps. He just asks you to try your best, and He’ll take it from there!
