10 Things Every Single Catholic Man Should Do Before Getting Married

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Like any good beginning, marriage marks the end of something else.

Once a man accepts the responsibility of marriage, his life must and should change forever. “Now they are not two, but one flesh” (Matthew 19:6)—one flesh, one love, one life.

A man who gets married moves from a paradigm of individuality to a paradigm of community—that is the communion between himself and his wife, which is a reflection and extension of the communion between Christ and the Church. “I” becomes “we” in all his thoughts, words, and deeds. He no longer considers questions in terms of the effect on himself alone, but must always think of the effect of every decision and action on his wife and family. This brings great fulfillment and a deep sense of sacred purpose to even the smallest daily actions.

But it also brings with it the sacrifice of some of the freedoms and opportunities that came before. Love always requires sacrifice.

This list, then, suggests activities that men should engage in prior to marriage either because they will not be possible (or will be much harder) after marriage or because they directly help prepare him for the vocation of marriage (or both). It’s important not to waste the golden opportunities of single life!

1. Have Adventures and Challenge Yourself

Of course, marriage itself is the greatest adventure you’ll ever have, but there are other types of adventures that fit much better with single life. They also help test and develop your courage, endurance, planning, sense of fun, and ability to think creatively and problem-solve—all great skills for marriage. And of course, they’re fun and forge memories.

Here are some examples, though truthfully adventure has more to do with mindset than the activity itself: road-tripping with your buddies (see #5), backpacking, hunting and fishing, building a cabin, making a movie, going on pilgrimage, playing paintball, canoeing, attending GoRuck Events, starting a business, going to a ballroom dance or to a martial arts studio. Possibilities are endless. 

The goal is to find experiences that excite and inspire you and help you grow as a man. This is where the challenging aspect comes in. Men need to be challenged in order to develop robust masculinity and mature virtue. That’s where adventures and activities with an element of strain or difficulty can be really beneficial in strengthening our characters and bringing us a sense of confidence and accomplishment.

One example of a challenging event in a specifically spiritual way is Exodus 90, a 90-day rigorous regimen of prayer and penance for men. I undertook Exodus 90 after marriage and really benefited from the experience, but it would be equally if not more helpful for single men. One of the biggest challenges was simply finding the time for all the spiritual exercises, which would have been easier for me when I was single because I had fewer responsibilities and more time (though I know this isn’t the case for all single men).

2. Make Stuff

If you think about it, a lot of our vocation and nature as men, both inside and outside of marriage, is to create things—from the building of towns and railroads in pioneer times to the cultural and artistic flourishing of the Middle Ages and Renaissance to the sacred act of procreation itself, we are meant to be makers. A priest I know once said that, metaphorically, we should have two tools in hand: the trowel and the sword. The first is to build up civilization. The second is to defend it against those who would tear it down.

On a small scale, then, I would encourage single men to take time now to create and contribute to society. This can take simple forms, and doubles as a way of developing hobbies you can be passionate about. Maybe you like literal construction: benches, sheds, garages, houses. Or maybe you are a craftsman of machines or tools: boats, cars, bows, axes, and so on. Or maybe your talents lie more in artistic areas: writing novels or making videos or websites or paintings. Take raw material and craft something good, durable, beautiful, or useful.

Leave your mark on the world, and let it be a good one.

3. Play Sports

While you may still have the time and opportunity for sports as a married man, it is likely to be much reduced, and it may be impossible to play on an actual high school or college team. Take the opportunity now. In addition to being a great means of recreation, sports have a host of benefits, physical, mental, social, and even spiritual.

Here is Pope Pius XII describing them: “Sport, properly directed, develops character, makes a man courageous, a generous loser, and a gracious victor; it refines the senses, gives intellectual penetration, and steels the will to endurance. It is not merely a physical development then. Sport, rightly understood, is an occupation of the whole man, and while perfecting the body as an instrument of the mind, it also makes the mind itself a more refined instrument for the search and communication of truth and helps man to achieve that end to which all others must be subservient, the service and praise of his Creator” (“Sport at the Service of the Spirit,” July 29, 1945).

4. Learn Maintenance and Other Hands-On Skills

I have a deep respect for men like my grandfather who seem to know how to fix just about anything, from light fixtures to tractors. Coming from a South Dakota farming background, he grew up in an era and socioeconomic class where it was rarely feasible to just call someone to repair whatever might be broken. He had to rely on himself to solve problems and keep everything running properly, and so he built up a vast store of practical how-to knowledge. They don’t make ‘em like that anymore.

I aspire in my own small way to become more like him. As a man, and especially as the head of a household, I see it as my responsibility to care for my home, property, and machinery to the best of my ability. I want to be someone my wife and others can rely on to repair and refurbish and not stare helplessly at the latest catastrophe of home repair—and this would hold true even were I not married. As I see it, it’s my job to work to keep the lights on (sometimes literally) so that others don’t have to.

I am not naturally inclined to be handy, but through perseverance and the natural opportunities that arise as a homeowner—because stuff breaks…a lot—I have improved some. But I have a long ways to go, and I often wish that I had developed more hands-on skills as a single man. That’s why I recommend learning things like electrical, plumbing, carpentry, mechanics, heating, etc. early on, especially if you’re like me, and this type of work doesn’t come naturally. Whether or not you get married, such skills will serve you well throughout life.

And in a larger sense, isn’t this symbolic of the work of men in our day? Are we not called to fix what’s broken, as best as we can, in this tired world that has grown so weak in faith?

5. Develop Strong Male Friendships

Now is your chance to form friendships that can last a lifetime. The fact of the matter is that your social life changes after marriage (as it should). It is simply not as easy or as fitting to spend all kinds of time with “the guys,” since you now have a friend who must take priority: your wife. This is not to say that you shouldn’t have any male friends after marriage; on the contrary, if kept in its proper place, male friendships after marriage are important and beneficial.

The Joe Cox Commission on loneliness found in 2017 that men are more isolated than women, and loneliness for men peaks at age 35, when men are most overwhelmed with responsibilities. Not surprisingly, the report also found that loneliness can lead to depression.

But in order to maintain strong friendships during the transition into and under the challenges of marriage, you need to lay the groundwork now. If you form true friendships as a single man, they will likely endure even when the relationship changes due to marriage. If you have only superficial friendships, they may dissolve after marriage.

I have been blessed with a friendship with two men from my parish that began when we were 5, 6, and 7, respectively. Over the years, they’ve become like brothers to me—partly through many shared adventures (see number 1 above). Even though I am not able to spend as much time with them now that I’m married, I know that they are there for me and I’m there for them because we laid the groundwork in our teenage years.

6. Educate Yourself

This category may include, of course, your formal education in college, but I’m referring also and especially to the learning you can undertake on your own. If you don’t go to college, then that’s all the more reason to find ways to self-educate. And if you do go to college, you can still gain a lot from study on your own. For one thing, many modern universities are infected with neo-Marxism. You will want to counteract this poison with a healthy dose of true Western philosophy, history, literature, science, and, of course, religion. 

It’s easier than ever to learn about these subjects from great teachers with little or no cost, even if you have a busy schedule. There are tons of online resources—everything from podcasts to YouTube videos to the no-cost, Marxism-free online courses over at Hillsdale College. And, of course, you can’t beat good, old-fashioned books. Find cheap copies of the classics and read them. There’s a reason people are still consuming, studying, and grappling with these texts centuries after they were written.

Studying these subjects and works from a truly Catholic perspective will make you a better person. In a sense, it’ll even make you more of a person, because part of what separates us from the animals is our ability to think rationally and know the truth. So the more truth you know, the more fully you realize your human potential. Not to mention, you store up wisdom that you will no doubt draw on throughout your life and especially in marriage.

7. Save Money and Invest

I am by no means a financial expert. However, I do know that getting married, buying a house, buying cars, and having kids costs money. Lots of money. The more you have prior to marriage, the better. The money isn’t the goal, obviously, but by having a healthy financial position by the time you get married, you are offering your wife a beautiful gift and setting yourself up for a stable future.

As men, it’s our job to provide, and that should include a sufficiently large nest-egg so that you and your future wife can focus on the more important parts of life like faith and family, rather than constantly worrying about money or suffering under the weight of immense debt.

As far as specifics, I have two words for you: Dave. Ramsey.

8. Get to Know Kids

If you come from a large family, you probably already have this one covered. You likely have lots of experience with younger siblings and feel quite comfortable interacting with and caring for children. But if you come from a small family (like me), you may need to make a little extra effort to connect with children. In my case, I was fortunate to have lots of nieces and nephews whom I played with and took care of as a young single guy. If you don’t have nieces and nephews, maybe make a point of interacting with younger kids of family friends or at your parish.

The benefit is obvious: if you get married, children will be the focus of your life (unless you suffer from infertility). You might as well start developing kid-skills now. 

In addition, kids are just tons of fun and absurdly funny (sometimes on purpose, sometimes not). And also, the young ladies like it when young guys show interest in kids.

9. Practice Forgiveness

No matter how much you and your spouse love each other, you will inevitably still disagree on things and even hurt each other at times. A healthy marriage requires the ability to forgive and forget, focus on the good intentions of the other, and never harbor bitterness or resentment for past misunderstandings or wounds. Then love can truly flourish. It can even grow through the working out of disagreements and the forgiveness of faults. As St. Francis de Sales says, “A quarrel between friends, when made up, adds a new tie to friendship.”

So why not practice forgiveness now so you can reach that 490 mark (Matthew 18:22) and beyond? Like anything else, forgiveness is improved through practice. Like any virtue, it is a habit, and habits are formed through repetition. This forgiveness is in the will, which means that you may not always feel like forgiving someone who has wronged you, but you can make that decision with your will to forgive and put it behind you, and that’s what counts.

10. Get a Spiritual Director

The saints unanimously express the benefits of having a spiritual director in the pursuit of sanctity. A spiritual director is simply a priest who knows your soul well—your strengths and weaknesses—and whom you regularly meet with for confession and spiritual advice. He guides you and supports you in your spiritual life and may offer counsel on other aspects of life as well. Many graces can flow into your life through this relationship.

When it comes to dating, having a priest you are close to and can go to with questions can be enormously helpful. It was for me. I was able to consult with my spiritual director to receive advice for spiritual preparation for and during engagement, help in maintaining chastity, and, eventually, pre-marriage instruction. He was a great blessing for our relationship, and we were even able to have him witness our vows and celebrate our nuptial Mass.

So I strongly recommend building a relationship like this now, as a single person. Find a priest you know, trust, respect, and feel you could open up to. Pray about it, and then approach him humbly about becoming your spiritual director. Who knows? Maybe he’ll even be there for your wedding day at some point in the future.

So, that’s it. Ten things every Catholic man should do before getting married. Life is rich. Take advantage of the great opportunities before you.

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