What Happens When You Need to Heal More?

There is a question I have for you, which I have been learning about recently in my own life...

How do you handle when your partner points out a specific growth area they see in you?

Ideally, I think we like to imagine that we wholeheartedly listen while not responding in a reactionary or defensive manner. Maybe that is you would or have responded if that comes up.

A situation recently came up in my own life, where something was pointed out to me that I had never been told by a man in a dating relationship before. It was a blind spot; something I never saw about myself or had pointed out to me before. While I would like to tell you I responded graciously, I did not. Instead, my own anxious attachment reared its insecure head while I reverted to some wounded child tendencies.

Let’s just say it was not my finest relationship moment.

The situation became more enlightening as I shared the scenario with my sister who in reply said something like, “You know I can see what he is saying about you there. I have noticed that too before. It is different in a sister relationship, but in a dating relationship, you really can miss your own blind spots unless they are pointed out.”

By this point, I was eating my large slice of humble pie, taking in what was being shared with me as I processed it internally and with my therapist.

So why am I sharing all of this with you?

Because I am realizing in a new way that I have more personal, healing work to do in my life.

I have learned some new things about myself from people I love and trust.

I want to become the best, healthiest version of my “Patty self” first for me, but then be able to bring that into a serious relationship.

As I am growing through this situation in my own life, it has left me thinking:

-How do we respond and navigate that first as an individual?

-How do we navigate that in a serious dating relationship?

How would you handle needing to heal more in these two distinct areas? As I learn more about myself, these are a few things coming to mind for me.

Take responsibility for myself.

This is a concept I learned a while ago in therapy, the importance of taking responsibility for myself. Part of being a healthy, functional adult is taking responsibility for my words, actions, and reactions. I think in many ways, it is the first step to take upon the realization that we have more growth and healing work to do.

For me recently, that means apologizing for my own defensiveness and reacting to what was shared with me from the place of my wounded little child. Healing begins, and grows more deeply when we honestly take responsibility for ourselves. It is a process we won’t always get right, but when we do so with honesty, it can be a transforming practice.

Seek out therapy. Unfortunately, there are still sometimes negative connotations of getting help or going to therapy. Our mental and emotional health is just as important as our spiritual health, and so it matters that we care for all those parts of ourselves.

If you are feeling stuck or are unsure of what to do next, consider going to therapy to work through some of the issues you sense or feel coming up inside of you. There is no shame in saying, “I need some help right now.” Therapy will give you tools for your emotional toolbox to help you navigate and grow through whatever brought you there in the first place.

Be kind to yourself. If you need help, ask for it. Seek it out. 

Work on yourself first, not your partner.

I remember a while ago when my therapist reminded me, “You cannot change anyone but yourself. The person you are in control of is you.” I have had to remind myself of this at different times over the last few years. It should not be your job to work on or try to change your partner. 

Are there wounds or growth areas in your life you need to tend to? Address and work on those. Do not spend time focusing on your partner’s growth areas or where she/he needs to heal. Take care of yourself first, put your own oxygen mask on first, like the demonstration you see when on an airplane. When you become a healthier, more whole version of yourself, do that for yourself first. Then, you can take that healthy, life-giving energy into the relationship with your significant other. Become healthy for you, and then let that transfer into other areas of life.

Work on yourself first, not your partner—ever! 

Don’t make it all about you.

This is a lesson I am recently learning about myself; that sometimes when listening to others share, I can make what they are saying about me or filter it through the lens of how this affects me/the relationship. Yikes. An uncomfortable, yet humbling reality to hear and receive. However, in sharing that realization with my spiritual director recently, she expressed what a grace that was for me. To become more aware of a blind spot in myself can help me become a better version of Patty.

When someone offers a truthful criticism, while uncomfortable to perhaps receive at the moment, it is important to see where the truth may lie in it. This is not the time to get defensive or overly reactionary to what was said, but rather, be thoughtful about what change needs to take place.

Especially in dating relationships, we cannot make it all about ourselves. Be open and receptive. Listen wholeheartedly to what your partner is saying.

Hopefully, each of us first does our own healing work to become the best version of ourselves. We do this for ourselves first, knowing that can carry into other areas of life and relationships.

The reality is that I need more healing.

You need more healing. Your spouse, significant other, heck all of us, we all need more healing in our lives! When this realization comes up in relationships, it is a grace; we have an opportunity to learn more about ourselves, which can lead to deeper connection and vulnerability in relationships.