How Honest Should I Be on My Online Dating Profile?

Let’s face it—writing your own online dating profile isn’t fun. There is the tricky nature of “revealing” ourselves in an arena where a whole lot of people can see what we write, but nobody can see us.

How on earth can you sum yourself up accurately and honestly in a few paragraphs? Some people (myself included) tend go for the “minimalist” approach when writing about themselves. If I can’t sum myself up, I’m just not going to say a lot at all. I’ll save it for later.

Others go for a more “global” approach, trying to cram as much information as possible into a few sentences. And still others take what I call the “pick a trait” approach, where they select one aspect of their personality (funny, sensitive, whatever) and essentially beat it to death for a paragraph or two.

I have no idea which approach is best. I will, however, tell you the one deadly mistake I’ve seen in far too many profiles.

I call it “leading with your flaws.”

I’ve seen profiles where people talk about their fear of rejection, their devastation over a failed marriage, their insecurities, their past mistakes, and a whole host of other less-than-pleasant aspects of their lives and themselves.

To me, that doesn’t seem like such a great way to use these precious few paragraphs of introduction.

I know, I know—plenty of people say “Well, I’m just being honest. That’s who I am.”

Okay, that may be part of who you are. But is it really all of who you are? Is it the best part of who you are? Is it the first thing you want someone to know about you? When someone reads your profile, what they see there is 100% of what they know about you. If the first thing you say about yourself is negative, then how inclined are they going to be to keep reading? Don’t you want to, instead, lead with your strengths?

I don't think this is being dishonest, but a way of guarding your heart. Over time, as two people get to know each other, and a relationship develops. a bigger picture starts to emerge. It becomes easier to disclose difficult or challenging aspects of yourself or your life, because the other person can put that information into the larger context of who you are. There has been time to build mutual trust and respect.

The same, then, is true for initial correspondence between two people who have met online. I can’t believe how often I see, or hear about, someone who discloses deeply personal information (and lots of it) immediately.

Think about this. If you were on a first or second date with someone you were just getting to know, and you were chatting over dinner or coffee, would you be getting that personal, that fast? Would you be divulging your deepest feelings, or insecurities, or fears?

Somehow I doubt it.

I think some people really believe “that’s the beauty of online dating. You cut straight to the heart of things.”

It is true that sites like CatholicMatch allow people to cut to the heart of what they believe. A lot of your “weeding” is done for you. But there’s a big difference between that and disclosing deeply personal things about yourself, your past, and your life.

It’s been said that we live in a society where people are losing their sense of personal boundaries. I believe that. We have teenagers who post their personal journals on social media. Grown men and women spill their guts on television talk shows. Celebrities dissect their relationships in Vanity Fair interviews. It makes sense that someone looking for a husband or a wife would be tempted to disclose a lot early in a relationship.

But I don’t think it serves us well. There is something sacred about our deepest selves. When we open up too easily or too quickly, we disrespect ourselves.

Plus it tends to freak people out.

So think twice next time you’re reviewing your profile, or you’re beginning to correspond with someone you’ve never actually met. Don’t feel obligated to catalog your flaws, or your insecurities, or your deepest, darkest secrets.

Real emotional intimacy takes time. Don’t try to rush it.