If It Seems Too Good to Be True, There’s a Good Chance It Is

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You’ve just met the partner of your dreams.

The connection was instant and intimate from the get-go, and he seems to be everything you’ve ever wanted—not merely on a physical level, but emotionally and spiritually as well. You have the same interests, love the same music, prefer the same foods and share important moral and religious values. It’s only been a few weeks, yet it already feels as if you’ve been best friends for a lifetime. 

But wait! Not so fast. Take a deep breath. Take a deep breath and think about … love-bombing.

Love what?

Unless you’re familiar with the tactics and techniques of individuals with abusive personalities, you’ve likely never heard of love-bombing. Essentially, it’s a grooming technique designed to quickly reel you into an immediate relationship by fostering a sense of intimacy, compatibility, and adoration. Thirty percent of women in the U.S. have been or are in abusive intimate partner relationships—and this scary statistic includes Catholic women. Men, too, can be victims of domestic abuse, but since 85% of victims are female, for simplicity's sake I’ll refer to the abuser as “he” and the target as “she.”

So how can you tell if you're being love-bombed?

Love-bombing is difficult to detect because it feels so good and creates a rush of intimacy, but it’s important to realize that it’s the motives behind the attention that matter, not the attention itself. When things move too fast too soon, when you find yourself spending time only with him—to the detriment of your other relationships—and when he seems to mirror all of your likes, dislikes, goals, and morals without even minor deviations, consider red flags to be waving.

The purpose behind love bombing is power and manipulation—the core motivations of domestic abusers. The intention is to make you fall immediately and deeply in love, to the exclusion of all your other relationships, until you eventually become dependent and easily controlled. Yet how can you know if you’re experiencing manipulative love-bombing or if you’ve truly found a God-given partnership that deserves to be explored, nurtured, and cherished?

Here are some crucial signs to look for during the early stages of dating:

  • Beware if he quickly reveals personal things about himself (whether real, exaggerated, or false) and asks personal questions of you, all under the guise of “getting to know you better.” While this may feel good and foster a sense of intimacy, be on your guard for “too much too soon.” If he persistently ask for vulnerable information, this could be a manipulative tactic. Abusive personalities tend to take this information to use later, as ammunition against you in order to exploit your vulnerabilities and create a higher level of control. He also uses this information to present himself as thoroughly compatible with you, agreeing with all you say, and therefore encouraging a quick bond to form. 

  • Beware if he tries to evoke empathy by playing the victim in his past relationships. If he frequently talks about his ex(es) and describes them as abusive monsters who hurt and damaged him, chances are great that this is projection, and he was the abusive one.

  • Beware of quick professions of adoration such as “you’re the love of my life,” “you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me,” “I’ve finally found my soul mate,” or “I’ve never met anyone like you.” While these statements of gushing love feel good, if they’re stated within the first days, weeks, or even few months of meeting, be wary. It takes time to truly get to know someone, warts and all, and to determine if a solid relationship can be formed.

In other words, don’t mistake intensity with intimacy.

Go slow, no matter how good the relationship feels. Pray, and ask God for guidance. Listen to your intuition—which, after all, is the voice of the Holy Spirit—and pray for the wisdom to discern your own exciting desires from the still, small voice of the God (1 Kings 19:12).

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