Guys, Here's Why You Need to Watch What You Say!

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I hate traffic.

I hate it when there’s construction taking up one of the lanes, and I hate it when I miss the green left-turn arrow because of the slow cars in front of me. Chances are you’re a normal person who finds these things frustrating as well.

However, have you ever thought about how these are opportunities to prepare yourself for marriage? Well, I certainly haven’t viewed them that way up to this point, but that is in fact what they are! Why? Because they provide the perfect opportunity to practice patience and control of one’s tongue. 

Think of what St. James says about the tongue.

This Apostle writes: The tongue is also a fire. It exists among our members as a world of malice, defiling the whole body and setting the entire course of our lives on fire, itself set on fire by Gehenna. For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by the human species, but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless the Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings who are made in the likeness of God. From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. This need not be so, my brothers. (James 3:6-10)

We’ve all seen the truth of these words in various aspects of our lives. And one of the areas where it does the most harm is in marriages. How many marriages have become unhappy because of uncharitable speech between spouses? How many emotional wounds have husbands inflicted on wives and wives on husbands by speaking unkindly to each other in arguments? 

Even years after an argument has been “resolved”, the pain of an unkind word can linger. When a husband has disparaged his wife’s character, she can carry that with her for years. A wife may think to herself, “He thinks I’m a nag. I know it because he said it to me years ago. Yes, he said he was sorry and that he didn’t mean it, and we came to an agreement about the topic of the argument…but would he have ever said that if deep down he didn’t believe it about me on some level?” 

Obviously, we don’t want to cause our future wives this kind of pain.

As men, we should strive to form our characters according to the standards given by St. John Chrysostom:

Take then yourself the same provident care for her, as Christ takes for the Church. Yea, even if it shall be needful for you to give your life for her, yea, and to be cut into pieces ten thousand times, yea, and to endure and undergo any suffering whatever—refuse it not. Though you should undergo all this, yet will you not, no, not even then, have done anything like Christ. For thou indeed art doing it for one to whom you are already knit; but He for one who turned her back on Him and hated Him…so also do thou behave yourself toward your wife. 

The partner of one's life, the mother of one's children, the foundation of one's every joy, one ought never to chain down by fear and menaces, but with love and good temper. For what sort of union is that, where the wife trembles at her husband?...Yea, though you should suffer anything on her account, do not upbraid her; for neither did Christ do this.

CHURCH FATHERS: Homily 20 on Ephesians (Chrysostom)

It is clear from all this that we should try to form the habit of controlling our tempers and moderating our speech. Obviously many stressful situations will arise in a marriage that we don’t encounter in single lifebut as single men, we can still practice composure and charitable speech in situations where our tempers are tested. Instead of using an expletive when that light turns red, we can make a conscious decision to stay silent and offer the inconvenience up to God. When somebody cuts us off in traffic, we can refrain from giving them the bird. 

Of course, it’s easy to view these changes to our daily life as being unimportant.

After all, stoplights, traffic, and the like are little things. However, Our Lord says: “He who is faithful in a very little is faithful also in much.” After all, if I can’t keep control of my words when I’m mildly inconvenienced by another driver, how will I control them when I am married and unhappy with something my wife has said to me?

On the other hand, if I practice mildness in speech every day now, chances are I’ll find it easier to keep my speech charitable in marriage. Keeping that in mind, let’s make a conscious effort to practice patience and discipline over our tongues in small matters so that we are better prepared to exercise these virtues in the larger matters that will arise in marriage

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