The Great Roommate Debate

Singles of all ages can find themselves with roommates.

In younger years, it may be for college, summer camps, missions experiences, or internships. Later in life, financial crises, health problems, or other events can lead to housing with others you didn’t expect. Heck, even married couples can end up in situations where they share space: my husband and I lived with family during a very sick pregnancy, and my sister and her husband had to share space due to unemployment. No matter where on the spectrum you fall, usually, you don’t often get to choose your roommates, which means you don't always end up with a roommate who shares your faith and values.

So, what’s a Catholic single to do?!

Behold, here is your step by step guide to surviving life as the lone Catholic in a sea of roommates:

1. Establish expectations.

Sharing living space works best when everyone has the same expectations. You might not share Catholic practices, you do share a kitchen, a TV, and bathrooms. Be intentional and very communicative with your roommates when you plan your space together. First, know your own make-it-or-break-its. For example, as a Catholic, you probably need a safe and moral location to live, which would prohibit roommates from having illegal/underage substances or throwing frat parties in the apartment.

As a female, another safety priority I’d consider would be no boyfriends staying overnight. Write up your basic list, no more than five things, and communicate these bare necessities to your roommates. Then, turn the tables and ask your roommates what they most need from you, too. Hopefully, if your housemates are other types of Christians, you’ll have a lot of the same basics. Or perhaps your dorm room pal works nights and asks for quiet during the day. Maybe someone is allergic to cats and requires no pets. Whatever the expectations are, it’s important to communicate about them and establish a few base rules everyone in the house agrees to follow.

2. Respect each others’ spaces.

Housemates are happiest when everyone respects each other’s private space. Hopefully, you’ll have your own room. (If not, you’ll have your own bed and probably a closet.) In your personal designated space, you are free to put up crucifixes, hang your Rosary, and store your devotions books. Provided what you’re doing is fine with the landlord or homeowner, you’re free to do as you please in your spot! I’ve seen people be super creative with tiny spaces, by the way. Closets can house not only clothes, but a miniature shrine or tiny prayer space. Respecting space also means respecting time: you can ask your roommates to maintain relative quiet during your morning Holy Hour, or if you can say grace aloud before a shared meal. Sometimes there can be disagreements there, which leads to a caveat...

Our Catholic practices should not cross into shared spaces without invitation. If you want to put a saint medal in the kitchen or bless the front doorway, you need to run it past your roommates first. With the already established expectations and rules, you should have an idea of how your plans will be received. Be aware and act accordingly. Maybe your roommates don’t want you to say your Rosary aloud, because they can hear you from the kitchen. You can still say it quietly and throw in an intention for their soul while you’re at it. When it comes to spiritual minutiae, focus on being an example rather than arguing aggressively.

Remember, you can’t force Jesus on anyone, and beating someone over the head with a crucifix doesn’t count as evangelization. As difficult as it may be, a housemate does hold authority over shared space. You need to respect their space just as you ask them to respect yours.

3. Set extra boundaries as they come up, when needed.

As life with roommates goes on, circumstances can change. You agreed on no overnight boyfriends, but then someone gets engaged and wants the fiancé to move in too. Perhaps your roommate is turning 21 and wants a birthday gathering. Maybe your buddy’s weird sister needs a place to stay for a week. Crazy things happen all the time, and a good Catholic millennial can find themselves at a complete loss on what to do!

This is where extra boundaries might come into play. If you do your best to be reasonable, you can ask your roommates to be reasonable, too. Say her new fiancé is welcome to move in right after the wedding, but you’re not comfortable living with any non-married man. Maybe the 21st birthday party can happen at your place, if no alcohol is on the property, and they can have their first drink at a friend’s house instead. The weird sister can sleep on the couch for the week as long as she abides by the household rules.

As you probably noticed, all of these things rest on pre-established expectations and rules.

If you never voiced your need for a substance-free house, it won’t be easy to veto alcohol at a party. Unless you all set rules regarding significant others, the roommate might not even tell you her fiancé will be staying the nights. Same with the weird sister. Springing expectations or rules on people out of the blue can cause a lot of enmity. You owe it to yourself and your housemates to set yourselves up for success in the first place. Therefore, whenever a unique situation comes up, you go back to the basic list of expectations and rules to determine what to do. 

Besides these three basic rules, there is one more thing to address.

When dealing with roommate problems, when does “a lot” become “too much?” Everyone has their limit, and you should know yours. Obviously, it’s unrealistic to ditch your atheist housemate because he won’t come to daily Mass with you. But it’s just as unrealistic to voluntarily live with mortal sin happening in your space. Every situation is different, and no one box will fit every Catholic’s living situation. Beware when a roommate is pushing you to erase an agreed-upon or moral boundary. If you feel greatly at risk physically or spiritually, it might be time to move out. Your well-being is not worth risking.

If we all got to choose roommates, we’d probably pick Catholic spouses who practice just like us.

Life would be easy, then! But we also wouldn’t have nearly the same growth, challenges, and learning, either. Roommates are always an adventure, filled with some peaks and some valleys. It’s an opportunity for great growth in your single years, especially: what better way to practically prepare for marriage than learning to successfully share space and housing with other people?

So, no matter what roommates you have, give them and yourself grace, and trust that God has a plan for your living space as well as your life.