Can I Ever Trust Again?
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“Blessed are those who trust in the LORD; the LORD will be their trust” (Jer. 17:7-8)
In a recent article I reflected on the toughest breakup I have ever endured and how that rejection helped me to overcome my fear of rejection. One of the natural consequence of rejection is the loss of trust. While I was able to overcome my fear of rejection, I had difficulty overcoming my loss of trust.
If you have suffered any kind of break up, that hurt will stay with you. But if you want to have another relationship, you will have to trust again.
When I reflect on my own journey, I can distinguish two distinct stages on the path to trust. First, I took a leap of faith and just got back out there in the dating scene. I am reminded of that iconic movie scene from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade where Indiana Jones has to take a “leap of faith” by crossing a hidden bridge. He stretched his foot out and took his first step which was somewhat wobbly.
When I decided to take that first step back on to the dating scene I took a girl from church out for drinks. Needless to say, my trust was a bit wobbly. I discovered that I needed a bit more time to heal and only slowly tip-toed back into the dating scene after that. Even though my trust was still a bit fragile, it was an important first step.
What My Avocado Scar Taught Me
Once I cut my hand really badly while slicing open an avocado. The cut sent me to the hospital and eventually I needed surgery. My hand has healed up and I don’t feel the pain of the cut anymore but I still see the scar. I think the same lesson applies to the pain of a broken trust.
Time, and many casual dates, have healed my broken trust. But the scar that was left behind serves as a reminder of the joy, the blessings, the pain, the mistakes, etc. of that relationship. Once your knees aren’t wobbly and the pain is gone, how do you move forward? How do you work to build trust in your next relationship?
Singles in the dating world, of which I am one, should strive to build trust and rapport from the first message and first date. The greater the rapport and trust, the more you reveal about yourself and let the other person in. As you build trust and rapport, you inevitably make yourself vulnerable to the other person. Rapport and trust is built in three stages, in what I call three levels of vulnerability.
Vulnerability Level 1
When I begin to build rapport, I like to imagine an empty jar between myself and my date. Every time I share something about myself I put an M&M in that imaginary jar in my mind. When she reciprocates the gesture and reveals something about herself, she puts an M&M in that imaginary jar in my mind.
Building trust and consequently building vulnerability needs to be done together. If you are the only one sharing, you're the only one becoming vulnerable and that is simply not a relationship.
What kind of things do you share in stage 1? You want to talk about light hearted fun things that have a low risk of vulnerability. Tell your date about some of your past adventures or some of the crazy things you did in college.
One story I sometimes tell is about one of my three day weekends during my Rome semester in college. One of the girls in my group and I wanted to visit our distant Italian family and we planned a weekend to do it. It happened that our families were relatively close geographically so we planned our trip together. I did a good chunk of the planning because I spoke the most Italian. I booked the train trip, hotel reservations, some of sightseeing things, etc.
The local train took us to an abandoned station, 8 kilometers from town, with a state park full of wild dogs and boars between us and our hotel, and it was getting dark! It was a small disaster that ended up being providential, and today it makes for a great story. My story is light hearted and reveals something about me, that I’m not a good vacation planner. It makes me slightly vulnerable, but doesn't reveal the depths of who I am.
Vulnerability Level 2
As you continue to build rapport and trust with your significant other, you will enter into the second level of vulnerability. It takes a little while to get here, so don’t rush it. What does this second level of vulnerability look like?
In this second level you each begin to reveal more about yourself because you both trust each other more. You will begin to reveal more about your faith in the Lord, beliefs, future hopes and dreams, future life goals, etc. You will inevitably become more vulnerable, which is why it’s level 2, and the potential for hurt has just been ratcheted up.
But despite the potential pitfalls of this level, you enter into a more profound and deeper relationship that definitely becomes more satisfying. In my opinion, it’s definitely worth the risk!
Since you and I are pretty good friends, dear reader, I’ll reveal to you one of my hopes for the future. I dream of one day being a full-time farmer. I know, it's not glamorous by the world's standards, but hey, it's what I want.
Vulnerability Level 3
When you get to this level, the potential for a profoundly broken heart is ever present. But this is also the level where marriages are made. It takes a lot of time and effort from both parties to get to this point. You reveal in Level 3 stuff about your fears, human weaknesses, faults, negative points, etc. I wouldn’t go so far as to reveal Confession material though. That is between you and the Lord (through the person of the priest)!
“Iron is sharpened by iron; one person sharpens another.” Proverbs 27:17
When you make yourself vulnerable to the extent that you will tell your significant other your faults and shortcomings, you are really trusting them with your heart. But remember you are at this stage together, so he or she is trusting you too. Because of the level of trust, you can begin to proverbially sharpen one another by helping the other become more holy. And isn’t this what marriage is all about?
As you navigate these different levels of vulnerability, you must keep in mind that you are going through the levels together with your significant other. You should maintain your emotional chastity and only reveal as much about yourself as is warranted by the closeness of your relationship. There are many potential red flags when building rapport and trust. In the future I will discuss some of these red flags and give you some tips how to protect yourself from too much vulnerability.
In the meantime when you go on a first date, dust off your mental candy jar, throw an M&M in it, and tell a funny story about yourself.
Find Your Forever.
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