Pity Dating: What It Is and Why It's Bad News

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My late grandfather always told me, “Never date someone because you feel bad for them.”

As a teenager, it was not the usual advice I got. I always heard “save yourself for marriage” and “wait for the right person” or “when you know, you know.” Grandpa Ed’s advice seemed oddly specific and, to fourteen-year-old me, a strange progression. Why would pitying someone ever lead to dating them?

Then I grew up. And people I felt sorry for started asking me on dates.

Grandpa Ed’s odd advice turned out to be a true golden rule. He warned against what I like to call “pity dating,” and for a darn good reason.

Pity dating happens because one party feels bad for the other. 

  • The girl feels bad turning a nice guy down even though she’s not interested
  • He thinks he can’t break up with her because he’ll break her heart.
  • You’re waiting for the “right time” to break up to cushion the blow.
  • She gives in to a date because he simply won’t stop bothering her about it. 
  • He feels he owes her a date after all they’ve been through together.
  • You go out with someone who doesn’t share your faith, in an effort to bring them to Jesus.
  • On the extreme end, I’ve met multiple people who are stuck in a relationship because “he says he’ll kill himself if I leave.” (This is not made up. And, should you encounter this, please, refer them to professional help such as this hotline.)

Now answer this: who on this list could be equally yoked for marriage? 

The answer is nobody. None of these situations are good and none of these people are in a healthy spot to date each other. And that, my friends, is where my grandfather was coming from. He didn’t want to see his granddaughters settling for a situation that wasn’t what God intended for them.

First off, Grandpa knew it is unfair to lead someone on, especially if you know you’re not interested in the first place. Secondly, he was well aware that dating the wrong someone can become a slippery slope into a bad situation. Finally, he wanted his children and grandchildren to understand the importance of faith and equality in marriage—”equally yoked,” you know.

This means there has to be mutual interest and investment in the relationship. How can you be equally yoked if one person wants romance, and the other isn’t feeling it? You can’t. It has to be a mutual thing in order to build a healthy relationship. 

Let’s delineate quickly between a few less clear situations than those I listed earlier.

Pity dating is dating someone because you feel bad for them as a person, not because they’re simply in an unfortunate situation. Great people of all sorts hit curveballs in life all the time. If you like the person and feel sorry for their tough spot in life, it’s not pity dating to go out with them.

However, usually, the best course forward is to hold out for their situation to improve before starting anything serious together. Things like pornography addiction, financial hardship, and/or religious confusion all fall into this category. These should be tackled before you get married, and preferably before you get serious about pursuing engagement, too.

Another slightly sticky place is when you like someone, and you ALSO feel bad for them at the same time. (This is generally more of a problem for ladies, because we’re usually more swayed by emotions.) So you like him a lot, and you feel sorry for his bad family situation. You find him very attractive, and you wish his faith journey was stronger. Or, to flip it, you are attracted to his strong faith but simply don’t enjoy hanging out one-on-one.

In situations where both attraction and pity are involved, examine closely WHY you like him. It is common to like traits of someone without loving the whole person; nine times out of ten, that’s what’s happening here. If you’re still not sure how to read your own heart after serious thought, bounce your situation off some trusted family members, friends, or a spiritual director. Trusted others can help point you in the right direction if there’s something you’re not seeing.

Finally, what if you are on the receiving end of a pity date?!

This is never a fun place to be. My guess is, you won’t know it’s a pity date until you try to take the relationship to a more serious level, like exclusivity. It’s an unwelcome surprise to find out the person only went out with you because they felt like they should, not because they liked you.

In these situations, do your best to be honest with yourself from the get-go. Were you pushing an idea ahead of the person? Were they lukewarm or not showing interest before you asked them out? Is there a glaring difference in your faiths, desires, or values? Odds are, there were some warning signs in the beginning. If you are blindsided by a pity dater coming clean to you, do not beg, bargain, or threaten in an effort to keep the relationship. Communicate clearly with your date, then cut your losses and see what you can learn from this.

Let’s close with how to avoid pity dating altogether.

Plan ahead for how to clearly and respectfully say no to undesired approaches. Then, give the other person some credit—if they ask you why you won’t date them, they want an honest answer. Explaining yourself clearly respects your own and the other person’s dignity. Just as my Grandpa Ed knew, marriage is meant to be a permanent, equally yoked sacrament. It’s worth waiting for the right person!

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