Living with Loneliness: A Guide to Embracing Solitude

We all experience it at times.

At every stage of our lives—living on our own or in a house packed to the gills—we are all susceptible to loneliness.

That craving for community and for personal connection is hard-wired into us by God. While aloneness is a fact of life, the question is: “Does being alone lead me primarily to the pain of loneliness, or can I move through it to the joy of solitude?” 

As single adults, the temptation to deal with feelings of loneliness by doubling down efforts to find “the one” is real. And yet, marriage alone is not the answer, for the simple reason that marriage is a pale reflection of the intimate union for which we were created. 

As I wrote in Sex and the Spiritual Life, “Our essence in God, our being called by name before we came into existence, is the hallmark of who we most deeply are. … There are pathways to celebrating the single life any sincere seeker can discover by embracing Christ, placing him at the center of all we are and do” (73).

So how do we embrace aloneness, rather than run from it?

Having lived as a single person most of my entire life, and through researching and teaching about the lives and writings of the spiritual masters, I have found six healthy habits that have helped me embrace the gift of solitude:

1. Develop inner resources, especially a life of prayer in order to foster a positive outlook. Be intentional on what you are feeding your mind and body, and how the things you consume are impacting your outlook.

2. Reaffirm in public and private the worth and dignity of singleness. Our words and actions reveal the innate goodness and value of a life lived wholly for Christ.

3. Maintain a posture of humility and service. Simple acts of self-giving keep us from being lured into pursuing status, financial success, or sensual indulgence as ends in themselves.

4. Remain mindful of the present moment. Be intentional about setting aside time for both contemplation and action, including deeds of ministry and mercy, such as phoning a friend, visiting the sick, or helping others.

5. Resist isolation. Seek out healthy forms of support and friendship among other singles who understand both the benefits and challenges of the single state, whether your singleness is transitional, circumstantial, or permanent.  

6. Seek time alone with Jesus. It is by “going into the desert with Jesus” during the dry times of the spiritual life that we discover a deepening of the spiritual life. “Committed singles can effect necessary changes not by chastising others with a holier-than-thou attitude but by giving personal witness to the truth of God’s unconditional love.” (Sex and the Spiritual Life, 79.) 

There is great depth to the stage you're in.

Poets, artists, and other creatives tell us how much periods of loneliness sharpened their senses and prompted them to reassess their life direction.

Of course, we all feel the need to be alone at times, especially amid peaks of intense productivity. Jesus himself had to go off to a deserted place to pray (see Mt 14:13; Mk 6:31). 

Loneliness experienced in the middle of a crowd can be an invitation to listen to the still, small voice in the center of our being in order to reflect on the consequences of our choices, or to step aside from daily pressures and see in life’s limits the seeds of newfound strength.

Loneliness provides the space in which we dare to ask such questions as: What is my true vocation? Have I wasted or used my gifts wisely? What does God want me to do with the rest of my life?

These periods of lonely self-perusal can be painful, but without them we risk becoming victims of popular opinion rather than God-loving persons, who witness to the joy of being who we are. And so, when we encounter idle chatter, gossipy exchanges, clever one-upmanship—these modes of relating make us, whatever our walk of life may be—it can be a hidden invitation to return to the “hermitage of our heart.”

Social, familial, and professional obligations will always pull at us, and yet it is still possible to sink into reflective stillness and be refreshed.