If We Want Real Single Life Fulfillment, We Need Jesus

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I go through phases when I really enjoy my single life.

And I go through other phases where I really struggle. And I have discovered that, when I’m struggling, it can be really dangerous to watch TV.

Maybe I’m just more sensitive to it—like when you’re shopping for a car and suddenly you notice certain models everywhere on the road. But, the airwaves seem to be full of references to the horrors of being un-coupled. My Dad is living with me, and we watch a lot of sitcom reruns. One night, I saw a Frasier episode where Daphne sympathizes with Frasier over his fear of of “growing old alone.” And then, not thirty minutes later, an entire Dick van Dyke show was dedicated to exploring unmarried Sally’s sad life as she faces the prospect of spending her birthday alone.

Then, over the holiday season, we watched the classic It’s a Wonderful Life.

One of my favorite movies. But I was struck by the scene at the climax of the movie, where George Bailey learns everything that happened as a result of his never being born. Evil Mr. Potter ran the town. Bad. His brother Harry died in the frozen lake as a child, and hence all of the troops he saved in the war perished as well. Worse. But then—what happened to his wife Mary? The angel Clarence warns him that he really doesn’t want to know. It must be too horrible to contemplate. She became—gasp—an old maid! The worst yet!

We see her, prim and bespectacled, hair in a bun, looking solemn and sad while closing up the library. (Because of course an old maid would be a librarian.) For George’s beloved Mary to have suffered such a fate is the cruelest blow, the one that spurs him to dash back to the bridge, begging God to return him to the life he was ready to end only hours ago.

Doesn’t it feel good to know that your life is George Bailey’s worst nightmare?

I think part of the reason that scenes like this can sting is that, while they are exaggerated (we don’t all dress dowdily and work in libraries), we recognize a grain of truth. Yes, today’s society offers far more options to the unmarried, and of course we can live vibrant, fulfilling lives. But still—many of us do feel the lack of a family. We are afraid of growing old alone. We do sometimes struggle with birthdays.

In the 1970’s, television began an earnest attempt to glorify the single life.

Mary Tyler Moore portrayed the first single woman on TV who was more driven by her career aspirations than by a desire to marry and have children. Many others followed. Young girls like me grew up watching them and thinking that a high paying job and a cool apartment would be a satisfactory substitute for marriage and family.

I think we were sold a bill of goods.

A great career won’t keep you warm at night. And a “work family,” no matter how close, all go home to their real families at the end of the day. And if we don’t have someone or something meaningful to go home to as well, we’re going to feel the void.

That isn’t to say that satisfaction can’t be found in the single life. But simply that it can’t be found there. Television got it wrong both before and after, for one simple reason. They forgot to take Jesus into account.

Recently, I've spent some time meditating. Christ came to earth as a baby, to reunite us to the Father. And in doing that, he completely changed our lives. He saved us—in so many ways.

And one of those ways was to redeem the single life.

Notice that, before Christ, the unmarried were to be pitied. It was a fate to be avoided at all costs. And yet, immediately after his death, we begin to see people who actually choose to remain unmarried. St. Paul wrote that he found it preferable. Why? Because it gave us the freedom to focus on the Lord, and on living not just for this life but for the next—an afterlife not available to mankind before the appearance of the Savior.

Of course, most of those Christians weren’t just “single” — they also consecrated themselves to God and to His service. But those of us who are single and unconsecrated can learn something from them, and from the way they live their lives.

When our society extolls the single life, it’s because of the “freedom” it offers. Freedom to do what we want, when we want. Freedom to spend our money as we please. Freedom to make choices without having to answer to anybody.

That’s not going to make us happy in the long run.

The consecrated of Christianity are enjoying the freedom St. Paul spoke of, the freedom to throw themselves wholeheartedly into God’s service. We enjoy that same freedom. The Vatican II document Gaudium et Spes says that man “finds himself in a sincere gift of himself.” Not having as many duties at home means we have more time to give ourselves to others.

That’s where the satisfaction of the single life comes from.

Perhaps we have careers—teaching, social work, counseling—where we give ourselves. That brings satisfaction. Volunteering brings fulfillment. Teaching CCD or RCIA brings fulfillment. Being the family member who can look out for parents, aunts, and uncles who need help—that brings fulfillment.

I really believe that the more radically we dedicate our single lives and energy to living love for the sake of the Kingdom, the more fulfilling our single lives will be.

It all boils down to love, and to looking beyond this life to the next. Spending ourselves and our energy on loving others wouldn’t make a whole lot of sense if the only goal of life was to be as successful as possible in this life. But we’re looking further ahead than that. Our Savior opened the gates of Heaven for us. And He told us that if we want to get there, He wants us to be His love in this life. That means forgetting ourselves and becoming gift to others.

As single people, we are in a unique position to do that. And that—not money or career or fancy apartments—is what makes our lives beautiful and fulfilling.

Imagine if Mary Bailey had known that. If, instead of becoming the sad spinster running the library, she was the Radical Giver of Potterstown, happily spending every spare minute in service to the community.

We all have the opportunity to make our lives wonderful. But we need Christ to do it.

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