Ladies, Here's How to Let a Man Know You Want to Be His Girlfriend

How do you let a man know you’re interested? 

Women, how do you let a man know you’re interested in him, online or off?

If only life could be more like the old George Strait song ‘Check Yes or No’ in which a straightforward little girl passes her male third-grade classmate a note that reads ‘"Do you love me, do you wanna be my friend?/ And if you do/ Well, then don't be/ afraid to take me/ by the hand/ If you want to/I think this is how love goes/Check ‘yes’ or ‘no.’” In the song, the children grow up, get married, and enjoy a long life together. 

Do you wish things could be that simple for you, too? Do you wish you knew how to let a guy know that a) you’d be interested in talking more, or even b) that you’re ready for him to take things to the next level, formalizing your relationship as boyfriend and girlfriend?

What’s more, how could you let a man know those things if you’re trying to maintain the traditional rules around dating, whereby the man leads the relationship and the woman follows? Is it even possible to ‘flirt’ without being too bold, without potentially getting your heart stepped on? 

Let’s break these questions down one at a time, and begin with a disclosure.

Sister, I suppose that to some degree being married, and then furthermore writing on this topic, presumes some level of competence or mastery in this area on my part. Truthfully, though, I know of no magic formula for flirting. I was certainly ignored by my share of guys growing up, passed over for girls who were chattier or more skimpily dressed or what-have-you than I was.

In the final analysis, all you can know for sure is that one particular man was taken in by my purported charms. Actually, though, that’s part of the point when it comes to flirting. Your approach, your goodness, your unique quirks, and charm needn’t attract every man on the planet, like a swarm of bees to honey.

Sure, that kind of attention would be awfully flattering, in a sense. But ultimately, if you’re serious about meeting someone to whom you’ll commit your life forever, you’re not looking for just any man. And that, my friend, is a very good thing when it comes to flirting. 

State your interest in direct ways.

My first official tip for letting a guy know you’d be interested in talking more is to give authentic compliments.

Online, maybe this looks like saying in your first message to a potential prospect, ‘Hey, so-and-so! I noticed that you ___, and I think that’s really neat!” or “I really admire ___!” If you’re like one of the women I interviewed recently for her and her now-husband’s CatholicMatch success story, you could be even more direct and write, “Hey Seamus! You have a great smile!” In-person, this could look similar, though it might feel a bit more bold face-to-face.

The end goal though, would be accomplished: in complimenting him on something you genuinely do admire or appreciate about him, you’re celebrating the good and letting him know that you noticed that goodness in him. 

The logical progression of flirting after offering an initial authentic compliment would be to ask him more about the thing you complimented, or about something he’s interested in based on his profile (online) or an activity you’re both at (in-person). Don’t we all like to talk about ourselves? Expressing interest in him individually lets him know you’re paying attention to him, seeing him as a person. 

Next, how do you bring up exclusivity?

Let’s say that things went well with your initial communication of interest, and now you two have been talking for, say, a month, in person or maybe several months online. How do you communicate to this same man that you’re open to becoming exclusive?

Here’s the magic formula for what to say…..kidding! There is no magic formula, remember? Again, honesty and transparency are your friends in this situation. If you’re interested in making the relationship official, first take some time to yourself, and perhaps enlist the objective advice of a third party like a trusted friend or family member, to examine any evidence you may have that he is likely thinking the same way. 

If in your judgment and that of your objective third party, you both seem to be reasonably interested in each other, rather than you having created a whole thought-world wherein he is madly in love with you and you’re getting married but in real life you only occasionally exchange a few pleasantries, feel free to ask the man plainly and simply where he sees the relationship going.

Yes, ideally, he would be the one to initiate this conversation. I agree.

But perhaps he has not for any number of reasons unknown to us both, or he hasn’t yet. If you are having these thoughts of the future, out of respect for both your own time and his, you’ve every right to come out and ask him rather than waiting indefinitely for him to *hopefully* get around to bringing it up. 

But, you might be objecting, I want the man to lead! Yes, you do, and that is well and good. Offering authentic compliments, asking questions you’re genuinely interested in the answers to, and then down the road discussing the future candidly aren’t marriage proposals. They’re acts of charity and mature communication from one thoughtful adult to another. 

Lastly, my friend, how can you avoid getting your heart stepped on?

When it comes to basic level flirting, where you’re offering authentic compliments or asking genuine questions, you have very little “skin in the game,” and consequently little risk of getting hurt. Certainly, learning to communicate in the above ways, which implies at least some level of vulnerability, may feel uncomfortable at first if you’re not used to being direct with members of the opposite sex. But I propose that that discomfort would be more like stretching a muscle that you haven’t exercised regularly before than like sustaining a deep wound. 

Now, if you’re talking about asking a man to define the relationship, I’d encourage you to consult a close girlfriend or family member first, in case there’s something they’re seeing that you aren’t. If that person agrees that you have reason to think there’s reciprocity of interest, go forward bravely.

Yes, you might find out something you don’t like, but in that situation then you will know for sure rather than prolonging the inevitable pain. And if you find out that the man is on the same page but has, for whatever reason, been slower to express his interest and intent, congratulations! You’ve now set a precedent for open and honest communication that will serve you both well moving forward.