Don't Overlook the Importance of Marriage Preparation

My friend Susan (like many older adults) often gets glitches with her computer that she can’t figure out.

Again, like many of us older internet users, she will ask her children for help. When they roll their eyes, she reminds them, "I taught you to use the potty and tie your shoes. You can teach me how to use Dropbox!"

Susan's comments are on point—she had taught her children hundreds of lessons. Some were practical, like the ones she pointed out. Others were more subtle, but equally useful. She showed them how to get along with others, how to be fair, how to work hard. She taught them prayers, how to behave in church, Bible stories. She dedicated many years of her life to teaching them everything from eating healthy meals to how to drive a car. 

An especially important lesson she passed along was how to be a good marital partner.

Beyond parents, there are the other adults we encounter as we grow up that teach us things our parents can't. Scout leaders, camp counselors, lunch ladies, school secretaries, youth group leaders, clergy—teachers are everywhere you look.

While we all readily seek guidance from others for our upbringing, formal education, and career, we sometimes overlook another very important area of our lives that could use a little formation from someone who has been there: marriage preparation.

As a marriage preparation leader at my own parish, this subject hits close to home.

Our work involves teaching engaged couples what things they should talk about before they make their commitment to each other. We encourage them to discuss a range of topics, from finances, chores, and future children, to solving conflicts, establishing expectations for fidelity, and aligning their values. 

If you are on that path, or hope to be someday, I hope you will have the chance to take a class in marriage preparation. It continues to be a valuable experience even though many couples these days are older and have known each other for a while before deciding to get married. They may feel that they have worked out the kinks in their relationship—they communicate well, they are both putting money in an IRA—but, there is still plenty to learn. 

Marriage preparation leaders are able to share some of the many things that we continue to learn as long-married couples as a way of letting you know that there is always room for growth, more doors to open between you. 

We talk about intimacy and describe all the ways we have grown closer together over the years.

Yes, the physical aspect of intimacy is important and wonderful, but the bonds that are built up in a shared life is an aspect of intimacy too. 

We ask them to consider how they plan to grow their spiritual intimacy. Even if one of them is not particularly religious, we encourage them to think about where they connect spiritually in their common life. Do they take walks in nature and enjoy the beauty around them? Do they take a meal to a friend who has a family member in the hospital? Do they share about a book one of them is reading that has some important insights in it? These are all opportunities for a spiritual connection.

We recognize that not everyone had parents that were able to teach them how to be successfully married. For those couples, marriage preparation is more important than ever and we see what we do as modeling how to be a couple as well as passing along information. 

Once you have found the one person you want to spend your life with, there are so many ways to grow!

During a marriage preparation course, you might discover some of the pathways to greater intimacy that lies before you. Over the years, we've had couples say things like, "I look at marriage differently now." I think it’s not so much anything we specifically are doing but that the couples are in a place where they are open to a new view of their relationship.

Susan’s kids laughed at first when she spoke about the reciprocal arrangement she expected from them, but then they patiently helped her learn some new tricks on the computer. I hope, if you find yourself heading toward marriage, that you have the experience of taking a marriage prep course and learn from those who have been there some of the important lessons of forging a lifelong relationship that grows deeper over time. Who knows, maybe someday you will become a teacher of new couples too!