Conversation forms the basis of any relationship. Communication is like the heartbeat that keeps you in sync with your significant other. Not all conversation is created equal, however, and psychologists and researchers have found that talking about certain topics on a regular basis can indicate that you have a healthy relationship and help it grow. Below you’ll find some of the topics that happy couples often discuss, according to psychologists.
Making these topics a priority can deepen and improve your relationship.
- The relationship itself
According to psychologist Dr. Mark Travers, who studies couples and relationships, couples in healthy relationships make an effort to discuss the state of the relationship itself. These couples intentionally check-in with one another to see how the other’s doing and whether they feel valued, connected, supported, and loved. This helps couples head-off problems at the pass. It also proves to each person that their partner really cares about the health of the relationship. Dr. Lynda Spann, a couple’s therapist, suggests that happy couples talk about “relationship agreements.” These are agreements the couple has come to, such as, “We’ll always put our relationship first.” An agreement like that needs to be defined and returned to again and again. As Dr. Spann writes, “Discuss your purpose as a couple. What promises do you need to make and keep to be happy and secure?”
- Future goals and dreams
Courtship and dating has a lot to do with building a shared vision for a common life. This process continues throughout marriage, as well. Happy couples repeatedly daydream, brainstorm, and plan about their future. They establish long-term goals to pursue side-by-side, like having a big family, building a house, or earning a degree. According to Travers, even far-fetched dreams can be worth talking about, sometimes just for the fun of it and in order to better understand one another. Travers writes, “Even if a dream can’t be acted on right away, talking it over allows them to keep track of each other’s values.”
- Spiritual and political beliefs
Happy couples understand one another’s values and, hopefully, share them. Faith should be a first priority for a Catholic couple, and, as such, deserves to be discussed. Talking about God, the faith, and one’s spiritual life helps couples deepen their love of higher things and each other. Political views, while less important than religion, can also be a good subject of conversation for couples. Dr. Spann argues that “you’ll be happier as a couple if you can discuss your political viewpoints with each other.”
- Fears and vulnerabilities
Both Travers and Spann say that couples need to be able to open up to one another about harder subjects like fears and stressors. In a healthy relationship, both people feel that they can safely discuss such things without being harshly judged. They know their spouse, boyfriend, or girlfriend will understand and be compassionate. “Over time, this daily practice of being emotionally honest builds a rock-solid sense of safety,” Travers writes. “Both partners will never feel like they have to carry their baggage alone.” And Spann agrees, pointing out the joy that can come–paradoxically–right after telling your loved one something that’s really bothering you. She also suggests admitting your shortcomings; that kind of honesty, while painful for the ego, forges a strong relationship.
- Shared memories
Reminiscing about good (and bad) experiences also draws couples closer together. Happy couples experience gratitude for all the good times they’ve shared–and for the ways that the hard times have helped them grow. Recalling the details of a fun date or trip allows you to relive it together, cementing your bond. Similarly, recalling how you got through a hard time can help you build your trust in one another and learn to appreciate even the challenges of life.
- What-ifs and wild theories
Happy couples like to share more trivial thoughts alongside the deep ones. A half-baked theory, a curiosity, or a “what-if” scenario can be a fun way to connect with your loved one. It also might lead to surprising new ideas or revelations. Or just a good laugh.
- Hobbies, interests, books, and music
“In the strongest relationships, both partners stay curious about what excites the other,” Travers points out. Healthy relationships involve two people who keep their eyes on the other and show interest in one another’s pursuits even when they diverge. Watching your loved one get passionate or enthusiastic about something they love is a rewarding experience in its own right, too. Spann specifically recommends talking about music, shows, books and the like because they allow an opportunity to analyze character motivations, heroes, villains, and values.
Of course, there are lots of other topics that happy couples discuss. But these are some of the core ones that come up again and again, as attested by relationship experts. If a couple doesn’t talk about all these subjects, that’s not necessarily cause for alarm, of course. But it might be an invitation to dive into some hitherto unexplored areas. The relationship will likely benefit.
