2 Tips For When You're Stuck In An Emotional Rut

After all my years of working to support the divorced community within the Church, there is never a time when I hear someone new announce he or she is getting a divorce and the pain and shock I feel is lessened. It never gets easier to hear about, and it definitely never sounds like "just another divorce." It only refreshes the memory of my own experience with divorce, but I use the pain of those memories to help others.

I remember walking in those shoes and how utterly devastating it is to have to carry that burden around with you. You may feel anger, hatred, sick to your stomach, heart-broken, depressed, or just plain numb, but you still have to pay the bills and pick up the kids which means, you still have to pull it together, put a smile on your face and keep moving. This can be happening even years after your divorce when you're in the rebuilding phase and you seem to get stuck. The divorce itself is history, but you just can't seem to get out of the emotional rut you're in. Here are a few suggestions, based on my own experience, that may help you if you find yourself in these circumstances:

1.     Forgive Yourself

In this process of recovering from a divorce, a lot is said about finding a way to forgive, and this is important and necessary. But sometimes you might be so challenged by the idea of finding forgiveness for the ones who have hurt you, you may not recognize the need to forgive yourself. If you haven't forgiven yourself you just can't move forward, you will remain stuck.

It takes two people to create a marriage, and it takes two people to create a divorce. I was a faithful, dedicated wife and I did not want a divorce. But those things didn't make me a perfect spouse. There were plenty of ways I could have been a better wife and maybe if I had changed some of those things in me, the scenario might have played out differently, who knows? But the important point was forgiving myself for my failures and letting them go. What's done was done and the only thing left for me to do was ask for God's forgiveness and keep moving. That's something God wants everyone to do in every situation; accept the failure, ask for forgiveness, move forward.

2.     Moving Forward Is A Choice

When you are feeling stuck emotionally, it's easy to forget that you do have choices. You can allow your emotions to control you and dictate your behavior, or you can—even as difficult as it is sometimes—decide you want something better for yourself and act on that.

When I was battling this, I tried to think of my being emotionally stuck in terms of choices I could make: Will I cry myself sick today or will I be strong and try to take a step forward, even if it’s just a small one? Will I eat a healthy meal, or will I allow my emotions to make me feel as if I just don't care about myself? Will I think angry, horrible thoughts about my ex-spouse or his family, or will I say one small, short prayer and ask God to forgive him, to help him? I came to understand that even though this wasn't easy, I knew each decision essentially equated to this simple, universal choice: I can allow my divorce to drag me down, lose all hope, all trust, and become bitter, or I can let my pain motivate me to move forward, to learn some lessons about life, to search for hope in my future. Ergo, will I allow myself to become a victim, or will I use my pain in a positive way? Never forget that the key to being successful in managing your emotions and moving forward is remaining connected to Christ through prayer and the sacraments. You will find all the strength you need right there and God is waiting for you to come to Him for help. As always, you will be in my prayers.

I look forward to your feedback at asklisa@catholicmatch.com and I hope you will take a look at my new book, The Catholic Guide To Dating After Divorce, coming Spring 2015 from Ave Maria Press. You can find it at LisaDuffy.com.