How Do You Get Over Your Ex?

We sat across from one another at a dimly lit restaurant table.

The Italian food and cocktails were good. She was attractive and we laughed and shared an interesting conversation. There was only one problem. She wasn’t my ex-wife.

A year before, my ex-wife and I had ended our marriage after six years. I still loved her and missed her. I was lonely and wanted female companionship so I decided to try dating again. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I wasn’t ready yet.

I wasn’t ready to date because I still loved my former wife. 

This wasn’t fair to any woman I went on a date with. How could they compete with a woman who still held my heart? How could I be totally open to a relationship with them when part of me was still stuck with another person?

When you’ve been married for more than half a decade, you don’t just stop feeling affection for your former spouse, even if the marriage wasn’t always great. 

It’s like the Caedmon’s Call song “Love is Different” says: “You can’t just turn it off, or put a blindfold on your heart.”

That’s the glory and the risk of attachment. You invest yourself in someone, but if you ever lose them, it’s going to hurt. You’re going to want to go back to the way things were. It’s only natural. It’s no reason to get angry with yourself. It’s just how our hearts are wired.

God made us to love. But here’s some good news: God also made us to bounce back from failed love. 

It took me several years of dating after my divorce to work my way out of the mess my heart was still in. I will also add that the annulment process was very helpful and provided me with a source of healing. Throughout this time, I met many great women and some became genuine friends. But again, those potential relationships didn’t turn into anything serious because I had not let go of my former wife. 

So when did things change? I can’t pinpoint a particular moment when the sky opened and the sun shone down and my heart was suddenly free. 

About 5 years after my divorce, I went out with a woman with whom I really connected. We dated for three months. Then I broke it off. It’s a cliche, but I was scared. I realized I cared for someone again, and I had been single for so long, I was scared to let my freedom go and expose my heart to pain again. 

To my great fortune, this woman stayed in contact with me. We talked over the next few months. I enjoyed her friendship, but felt like I was at a comfortably safe distance. I liked her, but she couldn’t hurt me if I didn’t allow her the opportunity. 

She and I connected over a book by Donald Miller called Scary Close. Miller wrote about his fear of commitment and how he finally met someone he was willing to take a risk with when he was in his forties. 

This passage struck me: “I’ve come to believe a person's love for you can't grow unless you hold that person loosely.”

That doesn’t mean you don’t care for them or aren’t 100 percent committed. It just means realizing every person is an individual you can’t change or control. This included my former wife. 

Something strange happened. I realized I could still love my ex, just in a different way now. 

I could pray for her and wish her the best. I could let her go and trust God to take care of her. And me. 

And I could be freed to attempt love again with this new woman. Miller also writes: “…when two people are entirely and completely separate they are finally compatible to be one. Nobody’s self-worth lives inside of another person. Intimacy means we are independently together.”

Feelings of love and affection die hard after you’ve been in a long relationship with someone. But realizing love is more than a feeling can help. Realizing that love is an act of the will that can be extended to anybody, even your enemy, sets you free. 

So don’t judge yourself for still feeling in love with your ex.

Feel the pain and loss you need to feel. Allow yourself to miss the good memories. Cry. 

Know that God understands your pain and grief. But also know that God allows you to move on. 

The human heart is resilient, stronger than we think. It takes time, but you get there. 

Today, I sit across from my new wife eating dinner. We laugh and share good conversation. Healing has happened and I’m able to love again. I’m not stuck in the past. I’m living in the present. 

It took me several years to get here, but here is where I am. I will pray for you to get here too. For human beings this is impossible, but for God all things are possible (Matthew 19:26).