How to Navigate Parenting After Divorce

It will take some time to get used to the silence.

That’s the first lesson divorced parents need to learn when they are no longer living with their kids. The house or apartment is going to be quieter than you ever dreamed possible.

The second lesson is harder. No matter what you do or where you do, you will feel like a part of your heart is missing because your kids aren’t with you. This is true if you live a few miles away or across the country. Having said these things, there are some things that can help when you are no longer the primary caregiver.

Commit to stay in touch.

You can’t expect kids to understand the importance of staying connected. No matter the distance or schedule, it’s all on you. Hopefully their other parent will be supportive of your staying in touch, but that is not always the case, and may change over the years.

So first and foremost, understand it’s going to fall 100% on you to keep the relationship with your kids intact. It’s all too easy to make kids feel guilty if you tell them they don't keep in touch as much as you think they should. When that happens, remind yourself that staying in touch is your job, not theirs.

Look at non-parenting time as a time to reflect and reboot. As a full-time in-home parent, you don't often get a chance to think about things and recharge after a challenging parenting moment. Because you have the time to back off, think of what went well and what could be better next time. While you don’t want to become the “fun” parent, think of ways that you can share your everyday life with your kids when you are together. For instance, cooking together or doing projects.

Get creative in the ways you interact when you aren’t there in person.

1. Write lunch notes. Either leave them with the other parent or ask your child's teacher if he or she can leave them for your child.

2. Visit them in school (volunteer on field trips or for school events, serve as guest reader, visit for lunch if school offers that).

3. If you live far away, send care packages from time to time (similar for when kids are at college). Always include a personal note.

4. Send a weekly or monthly newsletter via email, text, or through the kindness of your child's teacher. Include a picture of you and your child, a personal note, a piece of family history ("on this date in xx we went to New York City)" or "did you know that grandpa was a cook in WWII?"). Also include a short prayer.

5. Use technology to your benefit. Facetime, Skype, Instant Message, text. Do whatever it takes to ensure you have regular, continual contact with your child when you aren’t together. Sure, text isn’t a personal as other things, but it’s still better than no contact.

Be flexible.

As your kids grow older, they may want to spend more time with their friends or their other parent. As long as the child isn’t in moral, emotional, or physical danger, give them some space. However, don’t give up on your prime directive—staying in touch. If you don’t do this, the emotional distance can become too great to span.

And, on the other side, if your kids don’t have a great relationship with their other parent, try to encourage a better one as long as it isn’t harmful to the child. If, for instance, it’s a matter of different rules like homework and bedtime, just make sure the child understands that each of you has your own rules, but each set of rules must be respected.

Be a parent. That doesn’t mean just being a disciplinarian, but also a teacher, encourager, comforter, adviser. Just because you aren’t in the same house all the time, doesn’t mean that you can’t be an effective, loving parent.

Finally, remember, this is only for a little while.

Even though it is difficult and can be hard and lonely to be a single parent, your responsibility isn’t your own fulfillment and happiness per se until your children are grown. They are your responsibility, married or not, and parenthood always requires sacrifice. Sacrifice means that you have to put your personal feelings or needs aside and let them have as normal of a childhood as possible. It’s a cliché, but before you know it, they will be adults and the time you put into parenting when they were young will be worth it.

Prayer for my kids:

Dear God, you know how much I love my children.

Grant me your own heart so that I might always be there for my children, no matter if we are together or if we are apart.

Let them know that my love for them will never waver, never end, no matter what is happening between me and their mother/father.

Do not let the hard feelings that divorce creates ever cause them to doubt my love for them.

Help me to keep their needs as my highest priority and give me the courage to make whatever sacrifices are needed to ensure that they always feel loved.

I ask this, as you own child, trusting in your love for me. Amen.

(Prayer is from the book Catholic Prayer Book for the Separated and Divorced).N