Five Questions to Ask When Someone You Love Is Struggling

It is no secret that anxiety, depression, and general weariness are on the rise in our world.

The response to the pandemic with lockdowns, stay-at-home orders, and the canceling of social events has only exacerbated a very real problem: that of a feeling of isolation and angst.

So, if you haven’t seen your friend in a while...it might be time to check in with them. But, what do you even say? Sometimes we say nothing, for fear of saying something wrong. Also, there can be the temptation to feel like we must have all (or at least some!) answers. If we are dealing with our own stresses and issues, it can feel overwhelming. And yet, you care about your friend. How can you demonstrate your heart, while being respectful of boundaries?

Keep in mind that the goal is always a connection. Problems, anxieties, challenges cannot begin to be faced if a loving connection is not established. The goal of communication is connection. Resolution and/or solutions are secondary. Danny Silk in his book Keep Your Love On writes that the first goal of confrontation is understanding, not agreement.

With this in mind, here are a few good questions to ask:

1) How is your heart?

Yes, this is similar to “Are you OK?” But I find it to be more helpful because it doesn’t just ask for a yes or no answer. It invites a sharing of deeper things, desires, motives. When a friend asks me how my heart is, it challenges me to name the thing I am feeling. Am I hurt? Anxious? Irritated? Frustrated? Isolated? Or optimistic, happy, content? Confucius said, “The beginning of wisdom is to call things by their proper name.”

2) Do you need comfort or solutions? 

Especially if your friend is already addressing his or her anxiety with therapy, medication, or good self-care, they may just need a listening ear. Understanding when to just stand-by and be a shoulder to cry on or when to offer tangible steps and solutions is important. So, don’t be afraid to ask. And then be ready with the tissue box or the hotline number, whichever is required. In this way, you will be the sturdy shelter the Bible speaks of in Sirach 6:14.

3) Would it help if I _________?

Sometimes when we are fighting through anxiety or depression it can be difficult to come up with tangible ways people can help. It has been so helpful for me when friends have given me options. Examples: Would it help if I came over? Would it help if I did some of your errands for you? Would it help if I brought over coffee? Would it help if we went to Adoration and spent some time with Jesus?

By giving your friend something tangible to accept or reject, it takes away the burden to think through the next steps when they just don’t know what the next step might be.

4) When did you last eat/drink water?

When I was going through a very dark time in my life, my friend who is a priest would text me each day to check on me. And he would particularly ask, “Did you eat today?” If I said no, he would tell me nicely to go fix myself some food and then text him back. If I said yes, he would say, “Oh good! What was it? I had chicken curry!” We would swap food pics or recipes. 

This daily check-in helped me so much. In my stress, I would often skip meals. My appetite had disappeared, which was contributing to worsening blue feelings. Each day I knew my friend would be asking, I would make a point to try to eat at least something healthy and more full meals. His care of my physical needs worked wonders in the care of my soul. I liken it to the care prescribed in James 2. We cannot just tell people to be at peace without seeing that their basic physical needs are met.

5) How can I pray for you?

This is such a beautiful and often more powerful way than simply asking “How are you?” It redirects the focus toward Christ and also gives you a positive and practical way to serve your friend. It helps both the one who prays and the one who needs the prayer to be in a disposition to rely on Christ for the ultimate way out of the darkness. Going to Jesus together, asking for mercy, grace, and the practical needs of life binds hearts together in spiritual friendship. This can be very strengthening to that connection, which is the ultimate goal of this conversation. 

Take the first step.

While not being pushy nor intrusive, an integral thing to remember when someone you love is going through a time of darkness (whether the result of a loss, trauma, dark night of the soul, or something else) is that isolation is the worst thing. Do not avoid your friend for fear of not knowing what to say. Worry less about saying the wrong thing and simply reach out.

That gesture is a tremendous act of charity that will keep the door of communication open in your relationship. If he or she doesn’t need you at that moment, they will know to whom they can go when they do need someone to lean on.