Don't Let Anxiety Be Your Dating Deal-Breaker

My therapist diagnosed me with anxiety in the middle of the COVID-19 pandemic.

I know, not the best timing. However, that diagnosis cleared up so many things about my past. I finally understood why I had a panic attack after I got my first detention.

During counseling, I made a timeline of my memories and we spent a lot of time on my past relationships. Looking at them through the lens of my anxiety helped me understand why I did certain things or reacted certain ways.

Ironically, I was anxious at the idea of examining my past relationships, but the activity was far from stressful. It was freeing. I carried those relationships with me and tried to prevent future ones from failing. When I confronted my anxiety, I let them go and moved on.

If you feel like you have anxiety, I encourage you to find a counselor with training in anxiety and do this as well. In the meantime, I would like to share with you what I’ve learned as someone who dated (and is now married) with anxiety.

Anxiety is not a deal breaker.

Mental health issues like depression and anxiety have skyrocketed over the past decade for many reasons. Even though it is so widespread, there are many misconceptions about mental health even among those who suffer from a disorder like anxiety and depression.

Some believe these disorders are purely spiritual. Many Catholics with depression or anxiety will immediately turn to prayer as the solution. This is not a bad instinct, since we should run to God. But often, these disorders make it hard to pray. Depression is demotivating and anxiety can make prayer more stressful.

This is why counseling and even medication is so important for people struggling with mental health. They address your bodily needs so your spiritual needs can be met.  

Another misconception is that anxiety is a dealbreaker for relationships. Many people with depression and anxiety feel like they are a “burden.” Some may even feel they don’t deserve love. These are both lies. My wife and I both have generalized anxiety. We see it as an obstacle to overcome together.

It is important to note that when we were dating, we both had strong support systems outside the relationship. Relying too heavily on a partner for support can result in co-dependence.

Fear is the mind killer.

If you are a nerd like me, you may be familiar with Dune, a series of sci-fi novels by Frank Herbert. In the series, the main character’s religion has a mantra against fear that includes the phrase “fear is the mind killer.” I think about this often when I’m feeling anxious.

At the root of anxiety is fear: fear of loss, fear of punishment, fear of rejection. While that fear is natural, we can’t let it in the driver’s seat. Fear activates a part of your brain called the amygdala, which triggers your fight, flight, or freeze response.

I was often afraid of my girlfriend breaking up with me when we fought. This fear of loss triggered a desire to flee from the situation, but that didn’t solve anything. It just created more miscommunication. If you are afraid of being rejected by someone, losing the relationship, or something similar, you may have a fight, flight, or freeze response.

Freezing looks like not messaging someone back because it is too stressful to even think about it. Fighting looks like continuing an argument to avoid feeling like you did something wrong. All of these responses can be avoided by noticing them, pausing, and reflecting on your other options for reacting.

Stop overthinking everything.

If you play sports, you may be familiar with the “yips.” The yips is a word athletes use to describe a really good player going through a streak of really bad plays. Any sports psychologist (if you happen to know one) will tell you the yips always begins with the same thing: overthinking.

Athletes rely on instinct to do crazy things like hit a tiny ball hundreds of yards. If a hitter analyzed everything (speed of the ball, height of his elbow, angle of his feet, etc.) he would still be thinking by the time the ball hit the catcher’s glove. Even though our brains are incredible, overthinking is worse than little thinking.

If you have anxiety, you know what I mean by overthinking. Should I message this girl? It’s 9am, what if she thinks I just woke up and that I’m lazy? But then if I text her at noon, she’ll think I’m not working and that I’m a deadbeat. But then if I text her at 9pm she’ll think I’m creepy. And then you never get around to messaging her.

The cure for this type of overthinking is to say it out loud, preferably to a close friend. Often, my wife and I do this when one of us is overthinking and we hear how ridiculous the thought sounds. It’s a good laugh.

This way, we don’t put too much weight on things. I freaked out over a detention in middle school because I thought it meant I wouldn’t be able to go to college. Turns out that’s not how things work at all. Someone could have told me that, but I didn’t vocalize what I was thinking.

Have patience with yourself.

The best advice I ever heard about anxiety was from St. Francis de Sales. In his book on spirituality, he wrote, “Have patience with all things, especially yourself.” Our mistakes and our victories don’t change our value as human beings.

Often people with anxiety think if we are harder on ourselves, we will become better people. This is misguided. We shouldn’t try to rush virtue by hyper-analyzing our vices. Remember you are good and loved as you are now.

Freedom from anxiety is possible and within reach.