Congratulations, you’re engaged!
What an incredible feeling to have found someone you want to spend your life with and have them feel the same way. In a sense, it’s kind of the end of something. You’re done with dating, done with wondering if this will ever happen, done with discerning if this is the vocation for you.
You may feel it as a kind of freedom. I know I did.
Of course, on the other hand, it is definitely the beginning of something. It launches the joining of two families, the merging of two households, and the discovery of a whole new set of facts about one another. Marriage will open so many doors into your partner’s inner self. You will be privy to their fears and insecurities as well as their most privately held hopes and dreams.
But, what about these days between the announcement of your intention to marry and the actual exchange of vows? Aside from all the logistics of The Big Day, are there any other things that it makes sense to do?
Traditionally, engagement is seen as the big drawn breath, with the exhale coming on the wedding day. Having watched many couples going through this period, there are a few tips I would offer.
#1. Be a good consumer of your marriage prep.
You don’t necessarily have to go to the closest one if you don’t think it will match your needs and expectations. You can talk to others who have been there before you to see if it fits you and your future spouse. Maybe you want to do an online course instead of something in person. These days, you have more options than ever before for formal marriage preparation, so make the most of it! Figure out what works best for both of you, whether that's a retreat, videos, questionnaires, or working one-on-one with another couple. So, give it some thought before jumping in to the first option you see.
#2. Have fun!
Schedule fun into your weeks leading up to marriage. Play board games, watch movies, meet up with your friends, attend minor league sporting events, pick up frisbee, go kayaking...the list is truly endless! Whatever will build your sense of enjoyable togetherness, do it! It is so easy to get mired in details like planning tastings, booking venues, interviewing photographers, etc—you know the drill. You have enough to-do lists at work. Give yourself a break when you are with your sweetie. Enjoy him! Laugh with her!
#3. Pick one thing that’s important to you about the wedding day.
Is it the flowers? The setting? The cake? When our daughter was getting married, the wedding day was getting very close and nothing had been done about the cake. I asked her if I could take that off her plate. “The only thing I have ever cared about concerning my wedding is the cake. I want to make my own cake.” So! Settled! She wisely knew the importance of that one thing. I might have wished she’d let me know sooner, but that is my hang-up. Think about whether there is one special thing about the day that you want, and let others know.
#4. Keep a list of gratitudes.
Especially as the wedding gets closer, you will want to lean in on the things you feel especially blessed by. You can include the big things, like your future spouse, your parents, siblings. But, also think about the small things, like your helpful aunt who picked up the invitations for you, the priest who has supported your relationship, or your dog that cheers you up when you are stressed. Gratitude and laughter push out stress and impatience. Do your best to embrace these things as you get closer to the big day.
#5. Make an exit plan.
Finally, you might want to make a plan with your spouse-to-be about how you want to leave the reception. You could ask the DJ to play a certain song, and that will be your cue. It’s a stress reliever to know you have an exit plan. In the old days, brides had their outfit for heading off on their honeymoon, carefully picked out just like all the other wedding paraphernalia. Many couples nowadays don’t leave right for a honeymoon. There may be a brunch the next day, or the honeymoon is planned for sometime later. So, it’s up to the two of you to decide, how and when you will leave the party.
What do all these suggestions have in common?
Making sure the period leading up to your wedding is controlled by you, rather than running you ragged by it. And, if your life begins to careen out of control, you can ask the help of Mary, Untier of Knots. This is a devotion to the Blessed Mother that came out of Germany and it speaks of Mary helping to smooth the knotted emotions that sometimes occur in our lives.
Pope Francis brought this devotion to the attention of the church early in his papacy. He told us that, through Mary, “All the knots of our heart, every knot of our conscience can be undone.” Mary, who prompted Jesus to help out at the wedding feast of Cana, will help you too to keep a calm head on your shoulders as you approach your wedding day.
