I met and married my husband, Seth, when I was forty-two years old. To be honest, getting married was the hardest thing I have ever done. When I look back at my personal, academic, and professional achievements, I still consider leaving prolonged singleness for marriage to be the greatest challenge I ever faced and worked through.
We are facing a modern phenomenon of prolonged singleness.
The norm is no longer marriage, but perpetually single folks with either a history of serial dating relationships or a string of unsuccessful attempts to meet a suitable spouse. There are very few resources available that offer helpful advice to older singles struggling to navigate today’s societal landscape, still hoping to successfully marry.
While it’s true that some people have no trouble meeting a person and marrying earlier, many are growing older and wondering if God forgot about them. I like to reassure folks that this, indeed, is not the case, and share some of the wisdom that helped me on my journey to marriage:
1. Know the truth. Truth is power, I like to say! In addition to reading the Scriptures, I also studied the Catechism of the Catholic Church, especially sections 1601 – 1666. This provided insight into the Church's actual teaching on marriage and singleness, versus the “hearsay” I was told from the people around me. This was a significant help to me in times of hopelessness and despair.
2. Decide for marriage. I had been guilty of a false belief that still circulates today among many singles: God called me to be single and there is nothing I can do about it. Nothing could be further from the truth (see #1).
Once I realized that it was God’s will for people to marry, I decided that I was going to do everything I could to get there. At the time, I didn’t know what that was going to look like, but I wasn’t going to be the reason I didn’t marry.
3. Put yourself out there. To get married, you must create space for God to work. No one knows how they will ultimately meet their suitable spouse. Try online dating. Ask people you know to arrange a meet-up or blind-date with any single people they know. Consider an executive matchmaker. Embrace opportunities. Will all of these be successful? Not at all. Will God work through everything? Absolutely.
4. Rejection is a reality. When I met and married my husband, I weighed eighty pounds more than I do today. I have always struggled with weight and food for varied reasons. I knew I would be rejected by some because of my heaviness; this is just a realistic expectation of the world we live in. And I was. But what I came to find out was that I was also rejected for reasons that had nothing to do with my weight.
Rejection hurts and none of us like to experience it. However, it’s a necessary part of the path to marriage. I survived it when it invariably happened, and so can you. I also came to see God’s overarching hand in the events surrounding any rejection, as His “re-direction.”
5. Look for Heroes. In the Book of Hebrews, chapter eleven, the author describes people in the Old Testament who did miraculous things because of their faith in God. I like to call this section of Scripture the “Faith Hall of Fame.”
When I was single, I would comb the internet looking for testimonials of people who married later in life. They bore witness to me that God did, in fact, help people marry at an older age. In their accounts, I would often find helpful clues or tips as to how one could extricate oneself from prolonged singleness.
Social media has morphed in size and intensity over the last 15-20 years since I married. There is much negativity and criticism that can be found about dating, marriage, and the opposite sex. Don’t waste your time or energy on these. Build your own Hall of Fame with people who overcame prolonged singleness and married. You will be encouraged!
6. Learn about the opposite sex. Yes, men and women are different, as God created us this way on purpose. I studied how God designed us to function in our interactions with each other to maximize the natural and healthy attraction and relationships that can exist between a man and a woman. My studies included Scripture, as well as books on the natural differences between the sexes.
7. Examine your patterns. I genuinely believe that folks who are struggling with prolonged singleness may be getting in their own way. This can be behaviors or thought patterns that keep one stuck in the same types of relationships (or lack thereof) that do not lead to love and marriage. This was true for me.
Specifically, I realized that I didn’t believe I deserved anything good due to wounds from my past. This kept me, unfortunately, tied to dating relationships that were neither healthy nor going anywhere. Once I saw this connection, I was able to end the pattern. I met my husband several weeks later!
I encourage you to look at the patterns in your dating relationships. Do you tend to end up in the same or similar situations with the opposite sex? Perhaps there is a pattern there that you need to look at. Or do you believe God won’t help you marry? Then, I encourage you to read the Catechism sections cited above. How do these help you see God’s will for marriage in your life?
