Have you ever been caught in the middle of a trigger tornado?
Most of us have at one point or another in our relationships...
You broach a subject with your significant other, and your significant other gets triggered, so he reacts. But his reaction triggers you, so you react. And your reaction triggers him.
What you thought would be a fruitful conversation sends you both into a spiral, and when the storm finally passes, you're left digging through the rubble for your relationship.
After a few rounds of this, you feel like if something doesn't change, one day, you'll dig for what's left of your relationship and never find it.
That might be true, but it doesn't necessarily have to be, because, unlike actual tornadoes, trigger tornadoes can be stopped.
To stop them, we've got to address what causes them—our wounds.
Everybody brings baggage to relationships, and the more time you spend around each other, the more likely your baggage is to affect one another. In marriage, there won’t be any avoiding that. When one of you triggers the other, it's because you've touched an unhealed wound, which means that when one of you triggers the other, you've been given a gift.
Yes, a gift.
It is an opportunity to identify an unhealed wound and work on it, so it doesn't wreck your relationship. Here are 3 steps to take when that happens.
Step 1: Get curious.
Get curious about your own behavior and your significant other's. If you lose your mind a little every time your boyfriend suggests a change of plans, dig deep within to find out why. What thoughts and feelings do you have the moment he asks you to pivot? Does this habit of his remind you of any difficult experience from your past? Maybe it hurts your feelings every time your girlfriend proofreads your research papers and only points out what you got wrong and not what you got right. Ask yourself: Why, when what you asked for was some editing, did it sting that you didn't also get some accolades?
As you ask yourself questions about the reactions you notice in yourself, you'll probably notice what they're pointing to—unhealed wounds. Maybe when your significant other suggests a sudden change of plans, your heart pounds because every time your dad told you he'd take you to Disney growing up, he always ended up taking you to the park because finances foiled his plan. That left you feeling unworthy of sacrifice and, ultimately, it broke your heart, but you never expressed it. Or maybe your desire for accolades is rooted in the fact that, as a kid, you never got any from your mom, and you’re still waiting for some.
Getting curious will cultivate a deeper understanding of why you are the way you are. Being patient with yourself will make seeking healing possible. It’ll also allow you to give your significant other important information about you, while you take the second step.
Step 2: Be vulnerable.
The risen Jesus showed his disciples his wounds. Why do we work so hard to hide ours? The truth is, none of us gets out of childhood unscathed. We were all impacted by imperfect people who didn’t show up for us exactly how they should have. Some people’s parents perpetuated cycles they could have broken. Others inflicted wounds more directly. And if we deny that the wounds are there, they’ll only fester.
Instead of keeping them covered, once you know what your wounds are, expose them. Show them, first, to God. The healer needs access to our wounds in order to heal them. Show your wounds, too, to your significant other. Sharing the wounds that underly your triggers gives your significant other an opportunity to approach you with tenderness and compassion in those places—and it gives you a chance to learn if that’s what he or she will actually do. (If it isn’t, he or she may not be ready to date or, at least, not right for you.)
Then, together, you can move on to the third step.
Step 3: Pursue healing.
Jeremiah 30:17 says, “For I will restore health to you, and your wounds I will heal, says the Lord…” Will you let Him?
Maybe the therapist’s business card in your wallet has sat there so long the corners are irreparably crinkled. Perhaps a certified Catholic mentor keeps showing up in your Instagram feed. Maybe you’ve been curious about a local parish’s Unbound ministry, but you haven’t reached out yet. Or you’ve wanted to try spiritual direction for years, but you’ve been hesitant to ask that priest you connect with if he’s open to that. Today is the day to take the leap.
The paralyzed man had friends who carried him to Jesus on a stretcher; there are friends who’ll carry you to Him, too.
Simon helped Jesus carry His cross, and there are people who can help you carry yours. The road to healing will not be easy—but the work will be worthwhile. When you do it, you ensure something your future spouse will thank you for—your wounds will not wreck your relationship.
