5 Ways Parishes Should Serve Divorced Catholics

Here's what I learned the hard way.

When I was going through my divorce, my therapist advised and encouraged me to look at attending some kind of divorce support group at a local church. As a practicing Catholic, I naturally hoped and wanted to find some group at a local Catholic parish. Sadly, there was not one parish in my local vicariate that had any kind of support group for divorced Catholics. The nearest one was over 45 minutes away.

Feeling a bit disheartened and frustrated, I ended up attending a Christian support group called Divorce Care at a local non-denominational church. While it ended up being a good fit and was a huge comfort, I did feel frustrated that local parishes (it felt like) did not see the need to offer support or pastoral care to Catholics navigating the divorce process.

Parishes leave a lot to be desired when it comes to caring for divorced Catholics.

Some parishes probably have great things in place, but more often than not, divorced Catholics seem to be forgotten.

As a Catholic who has gone through both the divorce and annulment process, I see this as a vital area of ministry and pastoral care, especially when the divorce rate among Catholics is no different from the wider secular culture.

I now have had opportunities to write, speak, and lead divorce recovery groups at the parish where I work. It is an area I am deeply passionate about seeing the Church grow and do better in.

Here are some simple ways that could make a world of difference on how parishes can better support men and women going through a divorce.

1. Have key pastoral staff identified and trained for offering advice.

What I mean here is have the right people be able to speak on things like divorce and annulment. I met one Catholic who when he called the parish office to inquire on beginning the annulment process, the secretary told him to go online, print off the form, turn it into the priest and he would get back to you. Ummm what?!

That is not helpful, loving, or pastoral. Make sure any lay staff who will speak to this experience, offer advice, or possibly help with annulments, are well trained in your diocese and have a heart for people in these painful situations.

2. Offer presentations on the annulment process.

This is something I have begun to offer 1-2 times a year (once in the fall and once in the spring). Part of supporting divorced Catholics is giving them access to clear teaching and information on the annulment process. If a Catholic was married in the Church, they need to receive an annulment before they could get married again in the Church. Any Catholic marriage is presumed to be sacramental and valid until proven otherwise.

Contact your local tribunal and see if there is a lay canon lawyer or priest from the tribunal who is willing to lead a presentation explaining the annulment process. Offer time for Q&A because people will definitely have questions.

The catechesis around divorce, annulment, and remarriage is often not explained well. Make it easy for parishioners to have access to a presentation like this. This can also be a great way to jumpstart a more formal group.

3. Regularly offer support groups.

Like Divorce Care, Journey of Hope, or Surviving Divorce: Hope & Healing for the Catholic Family

It is this simple, offer a divorce support group at your parish. This matters and is important, as much as things like Bible studies or Mom groups. Divorced Catholics are a part of your parish, so be intentional in meeting their needs.

Offer some type of divorce support group as an ongoing part of your parish adult faith formation. As a follow-up to a group, you could offer a night educating people on the annulment process. Another idea is having the clergy or lay people trained to do annulments come to speak to the group letting them know the parish is here to support and love them through the divorce and/or annulment process.

4. Acknowledge the heavy cross of divorce in homilies.

This is a helpful pastoral move, but one often not considered. I have noticed in the many homilies I have heard in 35 years of being Catholic (or at least the ones where I have paid attention!) that priests or deacons tend to use examples the wider population can relate to.

If a parish is here to minister to all people, it is important to remember not everyone’s story or path looks the same. There are single families. There are divorced families and mixed families from remarriage. There are single people.

Use homilies as a way to acknowledge the many different lived experiences of the Catholic families attending your parish.

5. Be available to listen.

So simple, yet so powerful. Some parishes have a program known as Stephen Ministries which supports parishioners going through difficult times. They are a great resource for people going through a difficult situation like a divorce.

The pastoral staff at a parish should be available to listen and hold space for the hurt and pain divorced Catholics are going through. If you know of a parishioner navigating the pain of divorce, drop them a handwritten note in the mail or call them just to check on how their heart is doing.

If we want to become the Church that is like that field hospital on a battlefield which Pope Francis poignantly speaks of, we have to be willing to go through the hurt and pain our brothers and sisters are living in.

Let’s get messy and smell like the sheep because that is what Jesus would do!