Divorced and Catholic? You Still Have a Place

I didn't know what to do and I was afraid I would be judged harshly.

Several months before I decided to move out and pursue a divorce, I was inwardly struggling with how I could be treated or perceived in the Church, especially with my work in parish ministry as a lay woman.

I had met with the former rector of our local seminary, and laid out my fears and insecurities:

Would I be judged? Would people at work come up and ask what happened when they noticed my last name changed? Would I be a “less than Catholic” because I was the one who left and started divorce proceedings? Would I still be a part of the community because now I was divorced? Would I be treated differently?

I felt insecure, uncertain, and afraid.

This kind, pastoral priest leaned over his desk and said to me with such compassion, “Patty, God hates divorce, but He doesn’t hate divorced people.”

When I think of my wrestling with this idea of having a place in the Church as a young, divorced woman, I reflect on those words I heard in the priest’s office that day.

For divorced Catholics, both men and women, these and related questions are very real concerns. When part of your identity is in being someone’s spouse and that no longer exists, it feels scary and unnerving. I think even more so for Catholics who practice their faith and are trying to follow Jesus with their whole life.

So let’s just address the big pink elephant sitting in the living room.

If you are a divorced Catholic, yes you 100% still have a place in this Church. We need you just like we need every other person. Your experience matters. Your story matters.

The Church needs you because your story or experience can be used to strengthen and give hope to others in a similar situation. We need you because yours is a unique perspective that needs to be spoken and shared and cared for.

I know that has been true in my own experience of divorce and annulment. As I healed and worked through my own issues after my divorce, I began to see I was not the only woman who lived my experience. And so out of my healing work, God opened up doors for me walk alongside other women, share my story in hope, and even start local ministry efforts in my archdiocese to support women in similar situations to me.

The Church needs you because She needs to do a better job of addressing the concerns of divorced Catholics, offering more support groups, and just being more pastoral and compassionate to the very real pain of divorce and its effects. Your experience and voice matters. And if we want to be the Church Jesus desired, then we have to willing to get into the messy pain of people’s lives.

I know it can feel lonely, like you’re lost in the parish community after a divorce.

You may be trying to find your own role or where you fit in.

It is completely normal to feel that way. I would guess a lot of divorced Catholics feel that way one time or another. Acknowledge and name those feelings. But then allow them to propel you to do something as a result of it.

What are some tangible things you can do?

1. Talk to your pastor about how you feel.

Don’t dismiss your feelings or use them as an excuse to drift away from the Church. Going through a divorce, I think any Catholic needs the Church and the sacraments more than ever! Maybe you and your pastor can come with some ideas together like possibly offering a divorce support group in your parish.

2. Find a new way to get involved or serve.

Is there a Bible study that interests you? Sign up to participate. Have you ever thought about joining the choir, helping with Christian service, or maybe volunteering in the religious education program? I've found that serving is a great way to get outside of my own head, and look to helping other people.

3. Frequent the sacraments.

Go to Confession regularly. Visit Jesus in Eucharistic Adoration. Pray the Chaplet of Divine Mercy if you’re wrestling with forgiveness. If you don’t have a spiritual director, find one. Do not abandon Jesus and His Church, you need the support of your faith community more than ever.

I also feel compelled to say if for some reason you have been treated poorly or unkindly after or during your divorce by the Church or other Catholics (lay or clergy) I want to tell you I am so very sorry. That should never have happened, and it hurts the heart of Jesus that you were mistreated. If you have been hurt by the Church, I am sorry.

I pray you can find a Catholic community that will love and support as you navigate through this experience.

Whether you believe it or not, the Church needs you just as you are, divorced and all. I pray that your own experience (whatever it is) will draw deeper into the heart of Jesus. For it is only there do we find the hope and healing we all desperately desire.

If you have gone through a divorce, have you ever felt lost in the shuffle? What helped you navigate that experience in your own life?