5 Things Single Men Wish Women Knew

Advice for women on how to relate to and potentially attract men abounds on the internet. Some is useful, some is nonsensical, and some is dangerous.

But, much of it neglects simple truths that single men wish you ladies knew.

So, here are a few lesser-known points about the relationship between men and women in the Catholic dating scene and beyond, from a male perspective. 

1. Men are almost never satisfied with “just being friends.”

Among the many mysterious differences between the sexes is this: men struggle much more than women to maintain a strictly platonic relationship. Even if a relationship begins as a mere friendship, he likely will develop hopes for something more, and these will only grow the longer he knows you. 

Researchers at the University of Wisconsin Eau-Claire confirmed this when they conducted a study using 88 pairs of undergraduate opposite-sex friends. The study found that men were much more likely to view a “platonic” relationship through a romantic lens than women were. In the study, the friends were separated and asked about their romantic feelings or lack thereof for the friend they were participating in the study with.

The men in the study were far more attracted to their female friend than the other way around. They also often thought their female friend was attracted to them when, in fact, she was not. Generally, the more attracted the man was to his friend, the more he believed she was attracted to him. But no actual correlation existed, and the women in the study were generally blind to the fact that their male friend hoped for something more than friendship. The women viewed their male counterparts truly as “just friends,” whereas the men could not keep romance out of the picture.

As a result, it may help women to consider that words or actions that seem merely friendly to you are often interpreted as signs of romantic interest by men, especially if they “like” you. It may seem unreasonable to you when you learn what small things your male friend interpreted in a big way, but a lot of misunderstanding can be avoided if both parties remain aware of this fundamental difference between men and women.

2. Men (generally) say what they mean.

As suggested above, men and women communicate differently, and this can cause misunderstandings. Men tend to speak in a more straightforward manner. What you see is what you get—or rather, what you hear is what he means, and a man may be confused if you infer something beyond the literal meaning of his words.

Women, on the other hand, use more nonverbal communication and often include layers of implied meaning in their words, and thus they tend to interpret men’s words in the same way—as carrying additional, unspoken meanings. This may be one reason why men sometimes think women are expressing romantic interest when they’re not, as discussed in #1 above. Since men have some sense of this aspect of female communication, they can struggle to decode it, thus misinterpreting the implied meaning. But that doesn’t mean men express themselves in the same way.

So one thing single men wish women knew is not to read too much into their words. This doesn’t mean that a man always says everything he’s thinking, but, as a general rule, when he does say something, he means it and isn’t trying to imply more.

3. Men appreciate modest yet classy and feminine dress.

The temptation for both men and women is to follow whatever the recent mainstream styles may be, thinking this is the way to appeal to members of the opposite sex. In reality, a modestly yet classily dressed woman stands out far more (in a good way) than the one following all the latest fads. The woman in the sundress, for example, appeals much more than the girl wearing the tiny shorts and the crop top. The latter may be revealing more skin, but the former is revealing a truer sense of womanhood, dignity, self-respect, class, and, most importantly, virtue.

Yes, on some level a man will be attracted to the girl in the tiny shorts, but that level is a low one. The attraction remains on the plateau of the physical, and a man trying to preserve his purity (which is the type you want, of course, ladies) will actually actively resist this attraction.

The modestly dressed woman—which does not mean frumpy—attracts the man on a much higher and deeper level and she certainly stands out from the crowd. She shows the man that she respects herself and that she respects him. Her beauty and attractiveness, while highlighted by her clothing, does not depend on triggering a programmatic response in men and can be appreciated for its own sake, opening the door for a more truly human and elevated starting point for a relationship.

Men notice this. And good men value it.

4. Men struggle mightily with temptations to impurity.

The observations made in number 3 above lead naturally to this subject. I understand that this point is a sensitive one and that without a woman spending a day in a man’s brain (or vice versa) it can be very hard for the two sexes to understand one another on this issue. In speaking with my own wife and hearing from other couples, I have learned that women are generally unaware of the intensity of a man’s biological wiring in this regard.

Seemingly slight provocations cause strong reactions in men and accompanying temptations to impure thoughts. Our overly sexualized culture does not help. None of this is said to excuse men. On the contrary, men must accept greater responsibility for their thoughts, words, and deeds because of this.

But it may be helpful for women to know what a major struggle this can be for men of goodwill—and what an easy pathway to vice for men who do not fight the good fight of chastity. Some responsibility must be accepted by both men and women here as each labor to preserve and grow virtue in themselves and the other.

5. You have the power to inspire men to do great things.

Nothing on the natural plane has more influence over a man’s heart than an honorable and virtuous woman, particularly, of course, if she is his wife or girlfriend. Let me use a literary example here. In Tennyson’s poem Idylls of the King, a retelling of the legends of King Arthur, Arthur describes his vision in establishing the knights of the Round Table with these words:

I made [the knights] lay their hands in mine and swear

  To reverence the King, as if he were

  Their conscience, and their conscience as their King,

  To break the heathen and uphold the Christ,

  To ride abroad redressing human wrongs,

  To speak no slander, no, nor listen to it,

  To honour his own word as if his God’s,

  To lead sweet lives in purest chastity,

  To love one maiden only, cleave to her,

  And [honor] her by years of noble deeds,

  Until they won her; for indeed I knew

  Of no more subtle master under heaven

  Than is the maiden passion for a maid,

  Not only to keep down the base in man,

  But teach high thought, and amiable words

  And courtliness, and the desire of fame,

  And love of truth, and all that makes a man. (Emphasis mine.)

A bit dramatic, perhaps, but truthful nonetheless. Tennyson—through the character of Arthur—here outlines the wonderful effect that a good woman can have on a man. She can restrain what is lower in him, promote what is noble in him, and motivate him to achieve great things for her and Christ, which is the fulfillment of his manhood.

This is a beautiful power that you have if you choose to use it!

Don’t underestimate the influence you have over the man in your life (this includes brothers and fathers). And don’t forget to tell him that you believe in him and encourage him to pursue something big for God. Hearing that from you will mean the world to him and give him a surge of strength he can get nowhere else.