3 Non-Religious Reasons Why You Shouldn't Live Together Before Marriage

Many Christian moral rules can seem archaic and impractical.

Some of my friends don’t understand why the Church teaches things like abstaining from sex until marriage. A larger percentage of my friends don’t understand why the Church teaches couples shouldn’t live together before marriage.

This one seems even stranger. Surely there are some instances where couples should live together before they get married, right? (I mean, have you SEEN the price of rent in Brooklyn?) While there are certainly theological reasons why you shouldn’t live with your significant other before marriage, I think the psychological reasons might be easier to digest.

God’s laws are full of wisdom. This is because God understands human psychology better than any person, which makes sense because He invented it. When we look at how our brains work, it becomes clear marriage needs to come before living together.

Get Stuck.

We tend to underestimate the power of being stuck, but it is a great tool. If you want to work out more often, get someone to go with you. If you want to use Instagram less, give your password to a friend. When we do little things like this, we are “stuck.” That part of our brain that wants to quit is less likely to win because we made a commitment and other people will hold us accountable.

The human brain thrives when it is “stuck,” or committed, and marriage is no different. The permanence of marriage and the public commitment to one another will help you grow in ways you didn’t realize you could. You may say, “That’s exactly what I’m doing! Moving in is a commitment!” But it isn’t. At least, not in the same way.

Moving in together after a big commitment like marriage signals to your brain that commitment means things have changed. You have now rearranged your life around that commitment. If you rearrange your life before the commitment, your brain doesn’t see the two things as connected.

This changes your thought pattern.

The Institute for Family Studies writes, “By living together already, both parties have likely developed a thought pattern of ‘what if this doesn't work out,’ thinking you could just move out and move on, which can undermine that sense of commitment that is essential to a thriving marriage…”

Without that sense of being stuck, living together could actually hurt your future marriage. The part of your brain that wants to walk away now has more ammo to use against the part that wants to stay committed.

Despite all this, some may cite the benefits of living together. Many people think the opposite is true, that living together helps the commitment be stronger. They think this because of the myth that it helps you figure out your compatibility.

The Compatibility Myth.

Before I got married, some older coworkers joked that I’d better get used to my wife taking over the bathroom. Others joked with her that she should get used to our apartment smelling bad. We’ve only been married for about a year, but I smell better, and we figured out a system to maximize bathroom counter space.

There is a myth out there that living together will help you find out if you’re compatible. I have a spoiler alert for you: you’re not! Do you know how I know? Because you are two different people with two different routines and expectations. Also, one of you is a man and the other is a woman. There are some significant differences there. (A great G.K. Chesterton quote comes to mind.)

The fact is once you start living together, you’ll find certain things annoying and they will, too. These are great opportunities to grow in virtue. But again: you’re less likely to do this if you don’t feel stuck.

Marriage helps you grow.

You are meant to grow as a person, but you will also resist that growth because it means letting go of something. That something could be as silly as where you put your toothbrush or as big as your desire to not have kids until you’re 30. 

The permanence of marriage forces you to change when you don’t want to because you love the person lying next to you. Living together gives you the joy of having that person without the pain of being required to change. This sounds as tempting as weight-loss pizza, but it stunts your growth as a person.

I encourage you, if you find yourself wanting to move in with your significant other…this may mean it’s time to discuss marriage. Often, couples put off marriage because they’re afraid of the difficulties that come with it. Many happily married couples can assure you that while there are difficulties, they often seem painless in retrospect and are certainly worth it in the end.