3 Common Mistakes Couples Make When They Disagree

I remember growing up I never really saw my parents argue or have disagreements.

However, it is normal for children to see mom and dad disagree. After all, if you never see how your parents handle and resolve conflict, it can feel difficult to know how to navigate that in dating relationships when you are an adult. I have learned from my own wins and failures about handling conflict in dating and serious relationships.

How do you typically handle conflict in a serious relationship?

What are some mistakes you have learned from along the way?

There can be many different kinds of mistakes when trying to deal with conflict well in a relationship, but here are a few you may not always consider right off the bat.

Mistake 1: “You Change”

It is easy to have a long list of what your partner could do differently or things about him/her that sometimes rub you the wrong way. Unfortunately, pointing out your partner’s shortcomings all the time does not encourage growth or change—only defensiveness. Not to mention it is a bit of a codependent reaction. Try to step into your partner’s shoes and look at the world from his or her perspective.

Mistake 2: Protesting Louder

Here is the short of it—raising your voice never helps de-escalate a tense situation or conflict. Instead, it only escalates the problem creating more roadblocks to resolving the conflict together. Do not try to shout louder, throw a tantrum, act like the victim, or move on to sarcasm or name-calling. It never helps resolve the situation.

Mistake 3: Flee and Pursue

What can often happen is at some point, one partner will check out. It could look like physically walking away, internally shutting down, or using people-pleasing (agreeing to anything to not be in this situation but on the inside, you are full of resentment or brewing for an apology). If you or your partner needs a time out, calmly take a step back and allow that to take place. Do not create chaotic cycles of fleeing and pursuing each other as a way to end a conflict.

What can help?

1. Consider that both of you are right—Embrace something called 'contemplative thinking'. Instead of “yes but,” switch to “yes and,” which does not negate your partner’s position.
2. Look deeper into the dilemma—Ask yourself, “What is this argument really about?” Look deeper and come from a place of openness rather than being overly certain.
3. Be vulnerable with each other—Instead of showing your tough, armored exterior, speak about what you find difficult in this situation. Do no use shaming language to your partner and remember to use “I” statements.

We learn how to handle conflict better through experience and practice.

Is there anything you have learned on how to handle conflict better in the relationships around you?