Blending Families: 5 Steps Every Couple in a Second Marriage Should Take

What type of experience do you want to have?

When I think of blending, I think of smoothies and daiquiris whirling away in my Vita-mix blender with its multiple speed settings and pulsing options. Noisy and powerful, it gets the job done—if your goal is to break apart the ingredients into a perfect single blend.

My wife’s idea of blending involves her large Williams-Sonoma silicone spatula with its paint-brush size wooden handle that she uses to gently fold and blend ingredients so that the entire mixture stays light and fluffy when fully integrated.  

Whether your previous marriage ended in death or divorce/an annulment, getting married again—especially in your senior years—involves far more than just falling in love. In some ways, that’s the easy part. You date, get to know each other, reach a point where you can’t live without that special someone, and you decide to marry.  

Then you realize you have to address a number of other questions.

I found the most crucial issues were not about finances, wills, or what side of the bed to sleep on. The key issues were about relationships. How do you blend holiday and birthday celebrations? Where and with whom do you spend Christmas? What are the grandchildren going to call the step-grandfather or step-grandmother? Etc., etc., etc.

Spatula or Blender, how do you blend two families smoothly?

Second marriages come with a bundle of challenges, not the least of which is uniting two families. My wife and I know from personal experience that gentle folding is usually better than the whirling, cavitating, nonstop, high-speed action of a motorized blender when it comes to mingling families.

Nevertheless, sometimes the blending experience is smooth and easy. Other times there may be sparks and even fireworks.  

Here are some lessons my wife and I learned.

1. Have An Appropriate Dating and Engagement Period

From the moment of first contact to our wedding day was about 15 months. However, given the distance between all of us, our families had few opportunities to get to know the prospective spouse. Once engaged, we opted for a short engagement and advanced our wedding date. We were ready to get married. In hindsight, I think our adult children were still getting used to the idea. If we had to do it over again, we would have created more opportunities for our families to meet and get to know one another better.

2. Seek the Blessing of Your Children

Once I decided to propose, I wanted to secure the blessing of all of our children. Given our age, all of our children were adults. I first called my two sons and three daughters. One by one, I shared my feelings for Patrice and my desire to marry her. I asked for their blessing. Fortunately, they were all happy for me and said yes.

Then, I called Patrice’s son and daughter. Once again, I shared my love for their mom and my intention to propose. I respectfully made it clear that I would not propose until they were comfortable with me being a part of their family. They too expressed a desire to see their mom happy. They gratefully acknowledged they had never seen her happier since I had been in her life. Whew, I had the green light from all of them.

3. Consider Family When Planning the Wedding

Once we decided to get married, neither of us wanted a large wedding. Keeping it simple was our plan. Our first thought was an intimate ceremony with just immediate family. But the logistics of selecting a date to accommodate our seven adult children proved complicated. We soon decided to elope.

Our wedding involved our priest and two best friends who stood up for us. That ceremony was sweet and special, as well as sacred. This precious moment was made all the more memorable when my Best Man proposed to Patrice’s Maid of Honor at the end of our ceremony. But, as lovely as it was, in hindsight, we both agree—we should have made a more substantial effort to find a date that allowed our children and their families to be present.

We rationalized that it would be easier to elope—we weren’t getting any younger, so why wait? We failed to consider how important it was to have an official family “kick-off” by allowing our families to share in witnessing this sacrament. Just as a funeral service helps a family bring closure, a wedding helps families embrace the beginning of a new relationship.

4. Seek Your Children’s Input on Grandparent Nicknames

Grandchildren often create sweet, even sentimental, monikers for their grandparents. At the time of our marriage, I had eight grandchildren, the oldest of whom had labeled me as “Poppy.” Patrice did not have any grandchildren when we married, though her first was born just two months later. Given Patrice’s Italian background, she wanted her grandchildren to call her “Nonni,” an Italian word for a grandmother.

This proved a source of conflict for my children. Having failed to discuss it with my children, we soon learned they were having a hard time accepting a new grandmother for their children. Another lesson learned—approach this slowly and carefully and discuss such nomenclature with family thoroughly. False assumptions and poor communications on our part contributed to an unnecessary conflict. Again, seek their blessing first.

5. Encourage Your Spouse to Spend Time With Their Grandchildren

Patrice and I recognized early on that getting married meant we were now spending more time together. But did that mean less time for our respective children and grandchildren? 

Neither of us wanted our children to feel like their families were missing out on time with their Poppy or their Nonni. This could be fertile soil for resentment. To avoid that seed from ever being planted, we sought to visit the grandchildren as frequently as possible and offered our babysitting services any time needed.

Patrice quickly fell in love with my grandchildren. She adored them all. Her attentiveness did not go unnoticed or unappreciated. It proved to be a healing and encouraging role that only strengthened her relationship with my adult children. I might add that if an opportunity came where I was the only one available, my wife insisted I go and visit my grandchildren without her. She was emphatic about not wanting to be a roadblock to those relationships.

The same could be said for our children. We purposed to spend time with our children too. Golf with my sons, helping out with projects with my daughters, we purposed to say “Yes” to every invitation.

So, let the gentle blending begin.

Getting off to a good start is crucial to developing long-lasting relationships with the children of a new marriage, and that is just as true when those children are adults with their own families. The blending of two families requires a thoughtful and considerate approach. Avoid making assumptions, engage all in conversations, and do as much relationship building prior to the marriage as possible, and the blending will be smoother and gentler—and a lot less noisy than a roaring Vita-mix blender.