You know the drill.
You send out five, ten, or fifteen messages to some cute singles on CatholicMatch. Then you sit back to wait for the responses. You wait . . . and wait . . . and wait. And then it’s two weeks later and not one reply popped up in your inbox?! You kind of want to throw in the towel. What’s the point of messaging people online if they won’t respond?
This is a very, VERY common online dating woe.
I even talked about this in a previous article: my brother-in-law, before he met my sister, told me he could send out fifty messages, to only get a few measly replies. Men especially have similar experiences. The real question is, what can you do about it?
Let’s look at ten things you can do right now to troubleshoot your silent CatholicMatch inbox!
1. Don’t take it personally.
This is the most important thing you can do! Getting crickets instead of replies happens to everyone, not just you. So don’t take it as a slam on yourself or your dateability. It’s just the way of the online dating world, and you can’t force people to message you back. Accept this, and then start focusing on what you can do.
2. Are you sending out enough messages?
Recall said brother-in-law. Are you sending out only a few messages a week? Then you really can’t expect a busy inbox. But if you message a lot more people, you up your odds of getting more responses. It’s simple statistics, really. The ratio of your response count is directly correlated to how many people you message.
3. What do your messages look like?
Learn how to write a memorable message, so you don’t get lost in the sea of “Hey, how are you’s?” There are some great tips and tricks to fine-tuning your messaging skills, and it’s not difficult to hone your skills. So check out some articles on CatholicMatch, or even take one of their dating classes!
4. Who are you messaging?
Look at who you are messaging, because you might be in your own way. Are you only reaching out to people you think are your type? Or maybe you are only looking at local members and not broadening your geographical area? Or are you messaging a bunch of cute college girls, but you’re a decade past college yourself?
If you find yourself messaging those who only fit into a specific category, you are majorly limiting your options. For example, if I had done the same and dismissed long distance, I never would have met my now-husband. Check your expectations and start messaging a variety of people.
5. Are you responding to all the messages in your inbox?
Maybe you’re not responding to people because you think silence is the nicest way of saying “not interested.” That’s not inherently wrong, but it does make you a hypocrite if you’re mad about your own quiet inbox. Don’t be the pot and call the kettle black!
6. Are you fully open to messaging in the first place, or do you have one-itis?
Perhaps there is someone else derailing you here. “One-itis” is my husband’s way of describing how people can get stuck on one previous romance, and this wrecks their romances with other people. One-itis can be an ex you aren’t over, an almost-relationship you treasured, “the one that got away,” or even the idea you designed of your perfect future spouse.
Whatever the case, one-itis means your heart isn’t 100% free to love someone else, because you’re too hung up thinking about that other, even imaginary, person. And trust me, even online, people can tell!
7. Have you waited out “the wave?”
This is a thing when you’re messaging new members. New CatholicMatchers, especially women, get completely flooded inboxes. The whole first month I was online dating, I got at least twenty messages a day, and my sister got at least thirty. This influx of first messages is “the wave.” Definitely, definitely reach out to new members! But don’t be surprised if you don’t hear back. The best bet is to wait a solid month or two for a possible reply, and after that, you can safely assume your first message probably just got lost in the crowd. Then, reach out again!
8. When are you messaging people?
New members often join at specific times of the year, which is a prime time to make new connections. Think Christmas, New Years, and graduation season. This is also when messaging overall generally increases. So go ahead and make the most of these times by messaging!
And in addition, don’t neglect the “off” times. Inboxes are generally quieter during the workweek, in the middle of college semesters, and other busy seasons. If you message more then, you have a better chance of a reply. Again, a simple statistics game.
9. Is your profile the problem?
If you’re not getting a single response from anyone, there’s likely a bigger issue. Are you inadvertently turning people away from your profile? CatholicMatch is full of articles like this to help you make the most of your personal profile. Do some reading and revisit your photos, profile, personality tests, and what-have-you. Your profile just might be the thing turning other singles away!
10. Are you counting your success by numbers?
I know I talked a lot earlier about playing the statistics game. While it’s helpful to think about numbers when you’re trying to get yourself out there, it’s not helpful as a measure of your romantic worth. Seriously—my husband only dated two people in his entire life, and one of my sisters has dated at least twenty-five. BOTH of them are equally worthy in romance! So don’t count your dateability by numbers. Just be open to whomever strikes up a conversation with you!
In the end, remember, you don’t need dozens of message conversations to pursue your vocation. You really only need to hit it off with the right person, in the end, because you can only marry one. So yes, message away and message lots, but don’t put your romantic value into the world of online dating. God will bring the one right person into your life somehow, whether you meet them online or not!
