Why Are Situationships So Hard to Get Over?

Have you heard of the term, “situationship”? Perhaps you’ve even been in a few (*raises hand*). In the modern dating landscape, this term has become increasingly common. It describes a romantic connection that lacks clear labels, commitment, or a defined future. It's pre-relationship limbo. 

While defined relationships come with structure, expectations, and often a formal ending, situationships are murkier, making them weirdly difficult to move on from. From personal experience, situationships have left me reeling and mourning the loss of something that never really was. Sometimes it takes months to get over. 

But why are these “situationships” so painful and difficult to overcome?

The “Power” Imbalance

If you’ve found yourself unhappily in a situationship, you probably hold less “power” in the dynamic. Situationships exist because one person likes the other more. The person who is “liked more” is uncertain and while they may genuinely enjoy your connection, they are not interested in a full-on relationship – so they keep you in limbo while benefiting from your affection. 

This is a tough pill to swallow because it’s a form of use, and nobody wants to admit that the person they like is using them. Nobody wants to be used. When a situationship ends, it’s painful to look back at all the ways you gave yourself to someone who had no intention of keeping you. It can feel like you were tricked or taken advantage of because of the vulnerability of your affection. It can even feel embarrassing and that shame can haunt you long after the situationship ends. 

Crushed Hope 

Situationships thrive on one-sided hope. Usually, one person in the dynamic is hoping it will turn into an official relationship. The more they lead you on and keep you in limbo, the more you hold onto irrational hope instead of rational thinking. Because this person is not being honest with their intentions or feelings while continuously leading you on, you start filling in the blanks – hoping that all of the signs that they “like you” or “want you” will lead to a real relationship. 

Living in this constant state of hope and searching for clues that the relationship will become “official” can turn any logical person into someone who doesn’t recognize themself. 

Emotional Rollercoasters

Situationships always feel like an emotional rollercoaster. The nature of this ambiguous relationship is defined by its highs and lows. Moments of powerful connection punctuate weeks of no communication. The person you like might suddenly give short responses or take days to respond. You hold on because that initial spark was so strong, but you start feeling increasingly confused until you’re entirely convinced it’s over. This is usually when that person circles back to offer another experience of connection and affection – to keep you invested. This cycle of extreme highs and lows repeats until you feel like a complete basket case. 

Mentally processing this was like recovering from temporary insanity. For many of us in situationships, reconciling how this person “liked” us but didn’t “want” us is most confusing. “How could someone who treated me like a girlfriend simultaneously not want me to be their girlfriend?” All our lives we’re taught that 1+1=2, but in a situationship – it never does. 

Unfinished Potential

Official relationships, whether they succeed or fail, have a sense of finality. There’s a clear journey - things started, progressed, and ended. Situationships usually phase out into nothingness or they end completely out of the blue. You’re often left feeling a sense of premature loss and unfinished business, wondering what could have been if you had really given it a fair try. This can cause us to romanticize our connection with that person, making it more meaningful than it actually was – building it up in our heads instead of analyzing the red flags we ignored. 

In the aftermath of a situationships, many of us indefinitely wonder “what if?” If only circumstances had been different, would it have worked out? Could it still work out? By leaving the door open, it keeps you emotionally tethered instead of grieving and moving on. 

No “Official” Grieving Process

I’ve always felt embarrassed when rehashing a situationship with my friends or family. I didn’t even actually officially date the guy, yet I’m acting like it’s a breakup? Do I even have the right to be upset? 

In a normal breakup, friends and family typically offer support and advice – it’s an acknowledgment and validation of your feelings. In a situationship, you often feel like you’re not “allowed” to be hurt or angry because it wasn’t “real.” Repressing feelings of pain or scolding yourself for being upset only delays the healing process and keeps you back from moving onto a healthier relationship dynamic. 

Final Thoughts

The truth is that situationships are a reflection of the person who held the greater power in the dynamic; the person who love bombed you, ignored your texts for days, kissed you, canceled your plans last minute, wanted you to commit to them but did not want to commit to you. Don’t let yourself get caught in the negative thought loop of wondering how you “messed it up” or weren’t “enough” for this person. The way they treated you communicates who they are, not you. 

If you’re feeling stuck on your situationship, help yourself move on by…

• Acknowledging your feelings – Your emotions are valid, even if the relationship wasn’t “official.”
• Stop romanticizing the connection – Remind yourself that someone who truly cares for you wouldn’t leave you in pre-relationship limbo. 
• Cut off contact if necessary – Constantly checking in or hoping for closure will only keep you stuck.
• Surround yourself with people who validate you – Talk to friends who understand that emotional pain doesn’t require a label.
• Look at your attachment style -  You might have an anxious attachment style, drawing you to more avoidant attachment styles. To stop the cycle, do some research on how to heal your attachment style. 

Remember – you deserve clarity, commitment, and emotional security in your future connections. Don’t sabotage future healthy relationships by holding onto someone who couldn’t even be honest about their intentions. Allow yourself to heal – and then get back out there.