When the Woman You Like Tells You She's Discerning the Religious Life...

Ah yes, the classic story of Catholic boy meets Catholic girl.

You see a nice girl at a Theology on Tap and strike up a conversation. You both enjoy the same podcasts. You have a fascinating discussion about the right and wrong way to interpret Vatican II. You talk about your mutual love for St. Thérèse of Lisieux. 

Maybe you’re rushing things, but you definitely think this could be something. She’s funny, she’s smart, she’s beautiful, and laughs at your dorky theology jokes! Then she mentions she’s discerning a religious vocation.

Wait what? Oh no.

It’s one of the hardest parts about dating as a Catholic man. Maybe your situation is like the one above. Maybe you’ve been dating for a while, and she brings up discernment. Regardless, the pain is the same. This beautiful girl I met wants to give her whole life to Jesus! Who am I to stand in the way? Then a little idea pops into your head. 

…Maybe you can still date her anyway? 

Let’s talk about why that’s a bad idea.

What is discerning like?

It’s possible you have discerned the priesthood or religious life yourself. I highly recommend discerning. (And hey, now might be the perfect time!) If you haven’t discerned before, you might not know what it is like. It’s an intensely personal journey that demands a lot of prayer and time spent in prayer.

Something many people don’t understand about discernment is that it is not a choice between two paths. By virtue of being a human being, every single one of us has a natural call to marriage. But some people receive a supernatural call to live the way Christ did on earth: poor, unmarried, and obedient to the Father. This serves as a witness to the rest of the Church of how we will live in heaven.

This woman might have this supernatural call. Answering it is not easy, because it means giving up the good things that marriage brings. Once that call is answered and the choice is embraced, it gets easier to leave those goods behind. But in the early stages, it can be incredibly difficult to leave those goods behind, especially if you are constantly reminded of them.

Even if she wants to date you while discerning, it is an incredibly bad idea.

Mostly because you will get in the way. Dating is a kind of discernment as well; in that you are discerning each other. It’s hard to discern living the celibate life while holding your boyfriend’s hand. You can only really discern one vocation at a time. 

Whether this girl is your girlfriend, a friend, or a crush, she needs temporary space from you to discern her call. Discernment is often a process of God drawing a person into solitude with Him. “Therefore, I will allure her now; I will lead her into the wilderness and speak persuasively to her.” (Hosea 2:16)

This can be difficult to deal with.

Trust me, I have been there. If the situation is similar to the Theology on Tap situation, it may take a week or so to get over. If it is a long-time girlfriend or fiancé, it will be more difficult. In the latter case, have a conversation about the strength of the call, but remember don’t try to compete with Jesus. I don’t know how your situation will resolve, but I do know that Christ wants to use it to sanctify both you and her.

If you have a hard time letting go of the possibility of a relationship (or an actual relationship) with this woman, try praying about it. Not in the cliché “offer it up” way. I mean resolve that whenever you feel the very real pain of this situation, pray a specific prayer. I did this when I was in a similar situation, and it helped.

God may be doing this to prepare you both for a future relationship. God may be calling you to lay down your desire for this woman the way He laid His life down for the Church. The future is wide open. Either way, all things work for the good of those who love Him. Both of you should take this time to grow in love for Him.

The bottom line.

Any vocations director will tell you that dating a girl who is actively discerning is a bad idea. Discernment doesn’t allow for two things to be considered at once. The process of following God’s will is often a process of elimination, and elimination can take time.

None of this means that you should lose hope for your future. Often God will call us in a direction and slowly move us towards something else. Regardless of where God seems to be calling you at this moment, His ultimate plan is for your flourishing in this world and in the next.