Our Uncommon Marriage Rule

There are a lot of tried and true marriage rules circulated around these days.

We see them scrolling through social media, there are whole articles about them, and if you go through any type of marriage prep, good practices are always brought up.

And all of these are very good things! There is a reason people recommend thorough communication with your spouse, and prioritizing date nights, and loving one another deeply—because those are all very important attributes to a long-lasting marriage. 

Not all “rules” are for every couple, though. There is beauty in our differences, and it shows in our marriages. Successful marriages don’t all look the same, the way the saints vary too. People live out their vocation specific to who God made them to be individually and as two formed to one flesh. 

So it is perfectly acceptable, and even encouraged, to find your own “marriage rules.”

Not only so you can live out your vocation to its fullest, but so you can pass it on to other people who might hear that and take it to heart and apply it to their own marriage. 

One rule my husband and I never heard through any article or even in our marriage prep classes was something that started when we were first married, and jobs and college had our schedule so out of whack it made my mother cringe. 

And the rule was this: we always go to bed at the same time. No matter what.

When we got married my husband was finishing his degrees, and I was working multiple jobs, and we saw each other in broken fragments of the day for the first portion of our marriage. We were really happy, decently poor, and very excited about the life we were building together in our 500 square foot apartment. (And I wish I was kidding about the size, bless our friends for never complaining of claustrophobia). We regularly had dinner between 1 and 2 am. And there were many, many nights of late-night studying, getting off shifts late, and being so tired. 

On paper, it sounds trying. And in practice, I can vouch, that it is trying.

If he stayed up until after midnight studying for an exam, but I had work at 8 am, we still went to bed at the same time. 

If I got off work at 11:30 pm, and he had been up since 6 am with classes, and dinner still needed to be cooked, we ate when I got home and went to bed at the same time.

And there were the occasional nights where we could go to bed early and we did that, without hesitation.

It was something we always stuck to, no matter our schedules. Even if it was way more convenient to just go to bed and let the other person finish their day, and even though sleep was a commodity that we desperately needed. I fought sleep until he was done studying, he stayed up and waited to end the night with me after my late shifts.

And we have carried it through all our funky schedules and jobs and apartments.

And now, we have more of a regular schedule. We usually eat dinner around 8 pm (a HUGE improvement) and don’t have crazy shifts of all hours of the day to pay the bills. Going to bed at the same time isn’t as trying, but there are still nights where one of us has to choose to stay awake for the other person before we are prepared to sleep for the night. 

Why did we start doing this? We didn’t hear it as a secret key for a great marriage. It wasn’t recommended to us by anyone. It was something random that my husband mentioned very early on that we were challenged to stick to, and have stuck with.

So… why do we keep doing it? Because there is something very powerful about sacrifice. Especially when it’s personal, like our sleep. And especially when it’s for your spouse. 

Maybe you want to sacrifice for your spouse but don’t know how or where to start.

This is a great daily practice. There is holiness in sacrifice. It is something that Jesus teaches us to do in the form of almsgiving and fasting and prayer for others’ intentions. And I know it seems small, but I promise you the consequences are not. When you are sacrificing for anyone, the Lord sees your actions and does very good things with that love. When you are sacrificing for your spouse, the Lord sees your actions and does very good things with that love.

If you don’t get the opportunity to start your day together, let alone spend the day together, you at least get the opportunity to end it together. And there is something very touching about walking into your bedroom at the end of the night after finishing your long day to see your spouse waiting for you to go to bed. There is solidarity in that. There is teamwork. There is love.