I got married in my 30’s. I didn’t date much before I met my husband (not anything past the first handful of dates at least), so much of my time as a single person was truly that – being single. That said, I have a decade plus of time as an adult single to draw experience from.
Reflecting back on that time, before getting married, I would’ve said that I used it well. I served as a missionary, traveled both internationally and around the country, went to graduate school, made a career shift, spent ample time with my nieces and nephews, got certified as a fitness instructor, created many fond memories with friends… sure, I thought I used my single years pretty well!
Fast forward to today – four years deep into marriage and two kids later (I have been very blessed), and I have a different take on how I spent my time as a single person. While my children have been nothing short of my greatest blessings, it was about 2 weeks into postpartum life with my first baby that my husband so eloquently stated the following that we’ve frequently quoted since:
When you have children, things that used to be a discipline are now a luxury.
Here’s what I mean: as a single person, you have no idea how much free time you actually have! Now I know that statement might peeve some of you but hear me out. When you are outside of work hours, your time is your own. Sure, you may have a long list of to-do items, but here’s the thing – YOU get to choose when you do it, how much time you devote to it, and can rest assured that the only interruption will be your own thoughts or smartphone. You have guaranteed time.
You also (most likely) have a guaranteed night of sleep, which means you’ll have the basic energy needed to accomplish those tasks. That free time and sleep go out the window once you enter into family life. It’s a beautiful sacrifice, but whereas you might have felt proud of yourself for getting to the gym during your single years, it really is a luxury. You relish every single rep when you know you’ve only got 20 minutes (if that) before a baby needs you.
Reflecting back on my single years, I realize there were so many small moments that I wasted – allowing nebulous tasks like emails or looking something up on my phone to take much longer than they needed to. Rather than having wasted that time, there are habits and disciplines that I wish I had better solidified so that they were there in spades when I entered into the throes of parenthood.
Here are a few that stand out the most:
PRAYER: I’m gonna say it straight, and again, this might tick some of you off. But pray. Every day. As someone who has time that is in your control, you have NO excuse not to be offering a meaningful amount of time every day to your Lord and God. Pray for your future spouse, for your future children. Pray that you may have the eyes to see where you can serve the Lord right here and now. Ask the Holy Spirit to be with you and to guide your thoughts and actions that day. Pick a time of day, create a prayer routine, and stick to it. If you fall off one day, get right back on the next.
FREE TIME: Put down the smartphone (truly, I guarantee that you have no idea how much time you waste on that thing), disconnect your Netflix account, and challenge yourself to become better. Be purposeful with your time, give yourself a specific amount of time for those tasks that can otherwise eat up much more time than they deserve, and use timers to cut yourself off. Have a list of meaningful books to read, with goals as to when you’ll get them done. Commit to a Holy Hour once a week. Sign up to serve with a local nonprofit that is meaningful to you. Use your free time for things that make you better, not just things that (mindlessly) pass the time.
HEALTH: Make sure you get adequate sleep. Go to bed at a decent time every day, and wake up early enough so that you’re not hitting the day in a flustered panic. Meal plan healthy meals with protein and produce, and get moving. Cut out alcohol. Do the things surrounding your health that you know you need to do but have been putting off. Seriously, if you can’t make time to do this now, when your schedule is your own, when will you?
As a mom, I have learned that if I don’t plan out what needs to be done ahead of time, then my execution of goals is spotty at best. It’s no different as a single person. Plan your time so that you can spend your time meaningfully. Have goals for your time in these single years. You will become a better person, in turn be a better boyfriend/girlfriend, spouse, parent, and ultimately, child of God.
Virtue is built in the day-to-day unseen moments.
While I would still give my single self a passing grade, the reality is that my current self could run circles around that girl from my single years – I had a lot of unrealized moments, and I wish I would’ve used them better.
I realize that being single can be painful (again, girl with a decade+ of experience over here), and perhaps the temptation with our free time is to numb the pain and check out. Doom scrolling, getting lost in a Netflix binge, sleeping in late, or having an extra beer help to “take the edge off.” I want to affirm that I know the single years can be darn hard. But I challenge you to reframe your mindset around them. These years, where your time truly is your own, are a GIFT.
One day, you will look back and be so grateful for the healthy disciplines you fostered vs. the time wasted on your phone. Use the gift well, and it will pay dividends in your vocation.
