Singles and the Toxic "Should" Mindset

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“If she doesn’t find someone in college, it’ll be impossible after.”

She said to me, looking across the room at her daughter, who just turned 20. It was her daughter’s birthday party, in fact, and we were watching her open presents underneath a canopy of balloons and streamers. Amidst the cheery birthday scene which seemed so juvenile in essence, her mother worried about her dwindling chances at marriage. 

“Why isn’t she dating? I don’t want her to be alone forever.” She spoke as though she wasn’t talking to anyone in particular, which would explain her oversight of the present company—me. A single 28-year-old who definitely did not “find someone” in college. Absent-mindedly, she went on, “Her sister will have no problem finding someone, she’s so outgoing…” 

So that’s all it takes, huh? The two variables for acquiring an engagement ring: “date more” and “be outgoing.” What a helpful formula—why didn’t I think of that? I could’ve solved the problem of my singleness years ago! I sarcastically thought.

But as I drove home from the party, the pit in my stomach spread to my head—which is usually a pretty rational place when it comes to being single. “Maybe there is something wrong with me,” “Did I do something wrong?” “How could I have changed this outcome?” “I should be married by now…” my thoughts began sinking to a dark place of panic, fear, and regret for not trying to control my life more in the past.

When you don't fit into the stereotype...

For as long as I can remember, the unspoken time that Catholics are “supposed” to get married is between 21-25. After that, people start looking at you a little sideways—with pity or even in fear for you. Well-meaning people say, “So when are you settling down??” or “How are you still single?” or “Guys are crazy for not dating you!” “You’re too picky!”

When you hit your mid-to-late twenties, some people will do anything to solve the “problem” of your singleness. Friends encourage you to ignore red flags and scold you for not pursuing people you’re not attracted to. They scramble to set you up with literally anyone, even the obviously wrong people.

There’s a man at church who tries to Dr. House my singleness whenever he sees me. He racks his mind for single guys he knows. The last time I saw him he said, “I have a guy for you, he’s so funny...but he might be an alcoholic..but he’s so funny.” There’s an air of desperation around your “older” singleness that makes you wonder, “Should I be panicking??”

Anyone who’s Catholic, single, within the 20s-30s age range is familiar with late nights in bed staring up at the ceiling, grappling with a voice that unearths your greatest fear: “What if I never find someone.” Of course, these thoughts are intermingled with desperate prayers and novenas, begging God to finally send along your future spouse.

Anyone who’s Catholic and single is also familiar with fluctuating dispositions towards being single. Seasons of really being “a-o-k” with your singleness, even being happy to be single! And then of course, seasons where singleness feels like a condemnation. Like a ticking time bomb strapped to your back. 

The danger of "should."

For me, these seasons of “condemnation” are usually brought on by someone insinuating that I should be married by now. One moment I’m joyfully pursuing my passions and investing in the loved ones around me and then BAM—a passing comment plants a seed of doubt in my brain. Like the woman from the party or even a silly comment from my dad: “See, this is why you’re not married—you don’t like football!” And sometimes it comes from my own critical internal voice when I see yet another young 20something-year-old engagement on Instagram. “Should I be married by now?...” this internal voice prompts.

Should, should, should. The mental collapse and unhealthy dating habits of many Catholic singles are a result of this word “should.” 

“I should be married by now” “I should have 5 kids by now,” “I should be doing more to meet someone.” The problem with this “should” mentality is that it throws us into a panic mindset, which is ultimately a mindset of distrust and despair. “Should” makes us feel like we’re not doing enough (hello pressure, guilt, and regret). Most dangerously, “should'' implies that we are in control—and that we are failing. 

Have you ever felt that secret pang of fear after not meeting someone at a Young Adult event or party? Or the doom spiral of dread after scrolling through a dating app and finding no prospects? It’s that feeling of hopelessness that makes you throw up your hands and exclaim, “There’s nothing more I can do to meet someone” and “If these are my options, I’m doomed.”

We feel this way when we’ve convinced ourselves that it’s entirely up to us to find our spouse.

This “should” mentality is so distressing for single Catholics because meeting the right person is to an extent, out of our control

Yes, we can actively be on dating apps, go to Young Adult events, attend parties, let friends and family know we’re open to being set up, etc., but the key ingredient to meeting your spouse is, well, God. Meeting your future spouse is a team effort with God. We get so caught up in the “should '' mentality and believing we’re in complete control of our finding our spouse that we forget it’s God that decides who He places in your life and when.

And when we try to force a preferred timeline onto God’s plan for us, that’s when we begin to distrust the goodness of His will. That’s when we inadvertently limit God’s hand in our life. When we do this, we stop ourselves from being open to the incredibly unique and important plan He has in store.

We cannot view God’s diverse plan through the narrow lens of a timeline.

He’s so beyond a timeline. We make up timelines, not God. When we fall into the trap of believing that everyone’s path to their vocation must look the same, we end up rejecting whatever God is individually calling us to do right now, specifically as single people. Think about it—we were intentionally made unique, with a diverse array of gifts and callings. Of course, our paths to our vocations are going to differ from one another! 

The “should” mindset tricks us into believing we have nothing important to offer as single people, so we end up spending months and years, waiting for our lives to begin when we “find” someone. But God calls us to be present in the moment and to embrace the gifts He’s asking us to use right now. When we’re so fixated on where we “should'' be in life, we never make an impact where He’s placed us and we completely disregard an opportunity to do His will.

Now don’t get me wrong, desiring marriage is good.

Despairing for marriage, however, is not. We can healthily desire marriage when we put full trust in God’s will. We can lead a rich, vibrant single life while simultaneously working with God to find our spouse. 

So what is it? What is God calling you to do right now as a single person? What has He placed in front of you? What sets you on fire and spreads goodness to others? What fills you with purpose? Don’t let “should” voices creep into your mind. Don’t let anyone tell you that you don’t have anything significant to offer as a single person or that your path can only look one way. God has a plan, uniquely created for you. Don’t despair.

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